People often ask me how C.J.’s Dad feels about raising a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. Here’s the answer in his own words. Muah, C.J.’s Mom
As I walked through the door after a long day at work dealing with the worst society has to offer, I stood at the threshold of my home and stared at C.J. Then I snapped a glance at my wife. A “what the hell” glance. She gave me the “settle down” glance that only she is allowed to give me.
I watched my son as he sat Indian style on the floor trying his best to put clothes on a naked Barbie. That was my introduction to C.J.’s newfound friends and the toys that would cause many late night discussions between me and my wife.
C.J. and his Dad on the first day of school.
The first time I saw him playing with a doll it definitely brought some uncomfortable feelings to the surface. I had to determine how I was going to handle the situation and I have learned — with age and fatherhood — that my first reaction isn’t always the best one to show to my children. Instead of making the smartass comment that immediately came to mind, I sat with C.J. on the floor.
“What do ya’ got there buddy,” I said.
The look he gave me as he held up Barbie for me to see was priceless and I will never forget it. His eyes lit up and a huge smile crossed his face. He was so excited as he described the doll to me and his brain was traveling so fast that his mouth couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t understand a word that he said, but I got the drift.
“This is the best toy ever, Dad. I have been waiting for something like this forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Of course he said none of that, but, as his father, I knew what he meant.
Since that day my son has loved dolls, princesses and anything pink or purple. Although I will admit at times it has been frustrating. I would not change my son in any way. I know that if this continues he will be forced into uncomfortable situations and have to deal with bullies and taunts. It scares me but I also know that I will protect my son better than anyone else (not including my wife, she is a lioness). If I don’t protect my children who will? My job is not to fight their fights for them, but to protect them and give them weapons to defend themselves.
C.J. and his Dad getting their Summertime on in Laguna.
I am well aware of the adversities and obstacles they will face from bullies because I used to be one. I fear that punishment for my past sins is going to have to be endured by my son. As an adolescent, I was the captain of my high school’s baseball and football teams. A role I took on proudly as a leader in athletic ability and aggressive, dominating attitude. Unfortunately, these attributes don’t make you a great leader and I failed in many aspects. I can remember taunting and doing my best to dominate others on the field to show my superiority. I look back now and I am scared and embarrassed of how I would have treated a teammate like C.J. My goal now is to protect my sons from people like me.
As they get older this may become more difficult, but as my children grow and mature I will change and adapt to their interests. I’m not going to lie and say this has been easy for me. Isn’t it the goal of any father to give their children the carefree happy childhood they’ve only seen on TV? The toys C.J. plays with and the TV shows he likes to watch don’t define him. His character defines him and it is my job to mold and shape his character into a strong, courageous individual.
People have asked me if I treat C.J. differently than his brother. If they are friends, I always ask them if they think I do. They always say that I don’t. Truth is, if they said that I did, I would feel like a failure to my son. No, I don’t treat my children any differently. They are into different things, so I get excited about their differences and unique behaviors. I don’t play favorites and both of my boys know that. I play baseball and basketball with my 7-year-old and sit on the floor and fumble my fingers putting dresses on dolls with my 4-year-old.
This brought tears to my eyes. So glad I found your blog.
Lovely post. Thank you.
I wish my father had been like this and supportive of me, he was completely opposite, my father and I are not in contact…. Kudos to you C.J.’s father, I hope other fathers out there read this and it helps them if they are dealing with the same thing. I am tempted to print this and mail it to my father.. My name is C.J. also I am an openly gay male and engaged to my partner we r moving to Australia where he is from in the next few months. My mother and sister are completely fine with my sexual orientation in fact i think they love it too much sometimes haha….Again C.J.’s father I applaud you for not pushing away or shunning your son YOU ARE A GREAT DAD for embracing him for who he is!!!
Wow! What maturity and love is apparent in your post here. Thank you. So inspiring.
My dad was the other kind of father.
He was a football hero and all around jock who joined the Marines and went off to Iwo Jima during WW ll and got himself wounded so bad he nearly died. He came back suffering from what now we know as PTSD. He got a job at Republic Steel in Buffalo working in the 10 inch mill. Some days he came home drunk. Some days he came home broke having lost his entire pay check on the horses. He hated me from the moment I announced at the dinner table that I wanted to take ballet classes and become a ballet dancer. He was so disappointed that his oldest son wanted to be a ballet dancer. Plus I was interested in all the arts. I loved to draw and paint as well. I scored rather high on the I.Q. test they gave us at school. And I loved music. But not pop music— I loved Mozart and Beethoven etc. Of the 3 levels of culture, my family was on the lowest level, whereas I was in love with the highest. I paid for that by being set apart from any real nourishment from my family. They thought I was pretentious and highfalutin. My mother’s love turned to adoration of my youngest brother. Dad poured all his love into my other brother, the middle one, who rewarded him by becoming a pro-football player. So I was on my own. Fortunately, I went to fine public schools where people were generally courteous, even if they kept their distance. The streetwise Italian guys, the greasers, we called them; they were sons and daughters of Mafia Dons and Lieutenants. That was Buffalo in the Fifties. They were beautiful young men. I endured five years of a pimply face. I had crushes on some of them. They knew; and didn’t really mind. One young son of a well known racketeer even went to the opera with me when The Metropolitan Opera brought a production of Die Fledermaus to Buffalo. After all, opera is a big part of Italian culture and these young guys were second generation. There was no shame for them to like opera. But some of the women teachers were appalling in their behavior toward me. The men teachers, oddly enough, were compassionate.
Then suddenly in my last year in high school, the pimples went away; the dance classes began to pay off; I had become strong and well shaped and my father called me into his room. “Well,” he said, “as it turns out you’ve become a handsome young man. But you must already know that.” He was right. I knew. I was also going out to the gay bars meeting other handsome young men.
It was then, during that last year in high school I knew I had to get out of Buffalo. It wasn’t exactly a cultural backwater; the Philharmonic was in fine shape. Michael Tilson Thomas took over. The Albright-Knox Museum of Art had several first rate collections. Professional theater was starting up. But overall, to me there was a pervading sense of mediocrity. It was strangling me.
Armed with youth, good looks, a fine physical endowment thanks to my father; talent, and above average smarts, from the beginning I did well in NYC. Even when I got a scholarship to Julliard, and went on to become successful as a dancer in NYC; successful at least in my own terms, performing at Lincoln Center— working with great choreographers and world class dancers; my parents didn’t really give a rip. “That’s nice, dear,” my mother said, “But Bob’s football team won the pennant! Isn’t that wonderful? And Jim is going to be a priest!”
My father died suddenly, in his sleep, while I was in school in New York City. I flew home for the funeral. My uncle, a priest, and my brother, also a priest, co-celebrated the funeral mass. After that, I flew up to Buffalo when I could, to visit my mother. I introduced her to my boyfriends. She had always been overtly homophobic, but she always had an eye for a good looking man. She developed crushes on my boyfriends.
At a certain point I realized I needed therapy and began regular sessions with one who was a Jungian. One day he said: “One of these days we’ll need to deal with your bi-sexuality.” That floored me. He said it so casually. I had never thought of myself as anything but gay.
After my dance career was over I met a wonderful woman from Oregon. She put some moves on me and I told her I was gay. She replied with “Oh, shit, I was hoping you would swing both ways.” That response, for some reason or other, simply liberated me. For the first time in my life, I felt I could do anything I wanted to do. If this woman could desire me as a lover knowing that I was gay, what couldn’t happen? So I moved from the East Coast out to the Pacific Rim, to Oregon where she and I lived together for 30 years, and then, six years ago, we married. I am very happy. And I think she is, too.
I didn’t mean to go on like this telling my life’s story. And I do apologize if it is too tedious, but CJ’s dad’s story and outlook is so hopeful. It represents the beginning of a sea change in America.
I just wanted to say when one is free— anything can happen.
What a wonderful story. I grew up a little later than you, in the repressive sixties, and in Northern Minnesota, but can still recall the sense of being an alien in my home, in my school, and in my life..Many people stretched out lifelines of comfort to me and I refused them all, so determined by my culture to be the sort of icon I was stamped out to be, but I know now that another world is conceivable. We can all come to a quiet place beneath that tree, you know which tree, and let those demons escape amid the grass.
I really like your post, Michael. I’m from Northern Minnesota too…straight up Iron Ranger here.
So much has changed, even in the decade since I was in high school. What once resulted in taunting now just seems to result in shrugs.
I only heard about this website yesterday from a friend, and ironically today (Father’s Day), I randomly went through the posts and stumbled on this one. I can’t help comparing CJ’s dad to mine and it’s painful. Unlike CJ, I was never effeminate, never interested in “opposite gender” toys. My father was quiet and reserved and rarely showed approval. Top grades and excellence in sports (I was my high school’s track star) were simply expected of both my brother and I. It wasn’t until college that I awoke to the fact that I was gay, and telling my father was the hardest thing I have ever done. He didn’t take it well.
Today, my father is 81 years old, and I have not spoken to him or heard from him in over thirty years. I know from my brother that when he’s asked about his kids, he’ll say that he has two – a son, a daughter, and then there’s a third one who’s a faggot. I know that I’m supposed to honor my father (and mother), and I try. I respect him for his accomplishments, and there are many. I appreciate the way that he provided for me and my siblings when we were young. I can’t, however, say in honesty that I miss him. He threw that relationship away long ago.
When I read this blog, I see a father who will always be a part of his son’s lives, who will have their love and respect for a lifetime. I think those things are the true test of a father. I deeply admire your strength of character and wisdom. On this Father’s Day, 2011, I thank you for being a shining example of what is possible. I wish you all the best.
This makes me incredibly happy. I can’t say how glad I am that C.J.’s father admitted past mistakes in his treatment of teammates who may have been like his younger son. Growth, change, compassion, encouragement and protection of others, and the small, daily actions we take to stand up for what we believe in — these are the reasons why we are here. The fact that this blog exists, and that you two as parents exist, and especially that your sons are lucky enough to have you is truly something special. You and your family have reached and will continue to reach so many others who need real, positive stories about the parenting of a young son who is potentially gay (or bisexual, or pansexual, or queer, or any identity he so chooses later in life), and of an older son who will learn the meaning of being an ally to any person who needs the listening ear or friendship of someone who understands. While this blog is primarily about C.J., I must say that having parents like you will be as much of a blessing to your older son as it will be to C.J., because whilst the nurturing of kids who are “different” is in many ways critical to their development and happiness, the teaching of all children the values of compassion, empathy, and the importance of understanding to the best of our ability all human experiences is vital. I’m sure that you will send out into the world children who will become well-adjusted and deeply caring adults, as you are.
I rarely post on sites but this one needs it – recently, my parents came to stay with me for three months – I have lived overseas for over 12 years (now in Australia) – and we had a hoot. So many of my friends commented on the fact that I could deal with my parents being with me, in my two bedroom apartment for that amount of time. The simple fact is, that despite being gay, my parents simply accept me for who I am and we are just the best of friends – a strange things, but I regard them both as close friends that I can confide in – and the challenging fact is that I am the managing director of a multi-national. Nothing to do with my sexuality, but a simple fact of the support and drive that my parents gave me as I grew up. No judgements, no qualifications, but simply a drive to be the best person that I could be. I guess it was hard for them at times, but they did it and did it well. I wouldn’t change their acceptance for the world – they don’t realise it I think, but that is ulitmately what they gave me – their acceptance gave me the confidence and ability to do the best that I could, and not care about the rest. A couple that I now know, both successful business people, are now having the same dilemma about their own son and trying to work this all out – and reaching the same conclusion as yourselves – be loving parents and all else follows. All the best and be there – trust me, it isn’t an easy journey, but it is an unknown one.
Rock On CJ’s Dad! Thanks for this posting. It made my day
My son, now 30, wanted My Little Ponies and Care Bears, as a little boy. And he got them, we had fun buying them. Uncles brought him Transformers that morphed from robots to guns. He played with them for about 10 minutes. My son now identifies as gay.
He is a wonderful young man, and I am proud of him for helping me to be the best possible mother. I mean, who really cares who anybody loves, so long as they love?
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CJ’s Daddy, keep up the fine job you are doing to raise your son(s). It won’t be easy, and as the son of a klansman and all around out of touch father the only words of advice I could possibly give you, are what you are already doing, love your son as he is. He will show his love in return just as he has already done. His eyes will tell you more than his words ever will. Have a great time in raising YOUR rainbow, I and it would appear, many MANY others look forward to reading more as he grows.
Hey, I played with dolls and trains and race cars, spent hours reading. I was different (my doll was a guy though, GI JOE lol but my sisters dolls I dressed weren’t) but its still a doll. I really think my parents knew I was different and when I came out they looked at me, then picked up the conversation where we had left off, as if to say, are you trying to tell us something new? Sorta like announcing “the sky is blue!”. Yeah ok, and your point is????
Great article.
Hello,
I just wanted to encourage you both to keep doing such a wonderful job parenting your children, and thank you for setting such an example to others, and sharing that example with the world.
I’m not sure whether or not you’re already familiar with the program, but there is an openly gay character on ‘Glee’ (on Fox, I think) who goes through some of the issues your son may (or may not) face in the future, and that character’s father is a shining example of how parents of “different” children should behave. The show’s definitely not for young kids, but as parents, you should check it out. It makes me cry on a regular basis. Thanks for proving that real-life versions of that kind of parent exists.
Your husband is really a keeper! And an example for all men and every parent. Love your kids unconditionally… and completely.
I loved this post and everyone’s comments were spot on. I just want to say how wonderful both of you are at encouraging and allowing both of your boys to be who they are. I hope that CJ’s mom puts together a book from all the blogs because it would make a beautiful one and I feel that if it gets into the school system it would be a wonderful thing….so educational and so important. Bravo and keep on writing. I am brought to tears everytime I read your blog.
Ellen, that is a FABULOUS idea!
What a wonderful post. This brought tears to my eyes. With the love and support you show you son, who knows what endless possibilities he will have. One day he may even want to be father just like his dad, what a good role model to have.
Awesome! Thank YOU!!!!
Unconditional love exemplified! “In giving we receive.” As this world becomes more judgmental and many don’t “walk their talk” of God, we need more modeling of core principles of true faith. From homes where how to “love one another” is taught and learned emerge people who commit gentle strength to every undertaking.
A bunch of years ago, like 9 or 10, I was walking my dog in the park on a weekday afternoon. Unusually, there were two dads with little kids, the youngest maybe 5. Suddenly, and for no obvious reason, the 5 year old began crying and howling. Had that been me and my dad, I would have heard a litany of “what are your crying about” and, surely ending with, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” This dad picked the little boy up, and asked him what the matter was. Receiving no answer other than continued howls, he just hugged him and said, “Hey, it’s OK, Cry if you need to.” I did.
Sorry, Forgot to point out that I’m 65 now.
Whatever challenges CJ faces in the future, it is so important that he has a safe harbor with such caring parents such as yourselves. It will make a huge difference to both of your sons, no matter who or what they are.
You guys should give parenting lessons!! Beautiful!!
I don’t know a child quite like yours, however it is stories like this that inspire me to try and disregard girl/boy stereotypes, especially with my siblings. My younger brother is not that manly and is very quiet and senstive, dealing with him was a bit strange. However, the more I read your blog the more it makes sense that it’s not him that has things wrong, it’s more likely us
Thank you for sharing your stories <3
This was an excellent post on a very interesting blog. I’m not sure there would be much I could add to it (as I am not a parent), but I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading it, and think it’s exactly the sort of thing that needs to be in the LGBT literature.
As a fellow Orange County resident & a gay man, I’ve been a “silent observer” of this blog for a little while now. No offense to C.J.’s mom (because you are obviously fabulous), but this posting by C.J.’s dad was one of the nicest & most meaningful posts on this blog. I was always curious about what C.J.’s dad had to say about C.J., especially because of C.J.’s dad past as a “bully” and because he works as a police officer, which is a sort of “macho” or hyper-masculine kind of career.
While I didn’t play with dolls as a child (I played with toy cars), I still realized I was a little “different” from other boys by the time I was 9 or 10. As I was growing up, my dad made no secret that he thought being gay was equivalent to being a wimp, being a pedophile and having a mental disease. When I finally came out a few years ago in my early twenties, my dad was not comfortable about discussing anything related to my being gay at all. As I’ve come out, I’ve had my issues with self-hatred about being gay; while I cannot blame everything on my parents, I do wish that I was raised in a less homophobic environment.
Kudos to C.J.’s dad for accepting your youngest son as he is.
Also, kudos to both C.J.’s mom & dad for having that kind of attitude in South Orange County. Compared to Los Angeles, Orange County is not a place that is very welcoming towards people who are LGBT, and this attitude is probably reflected towards youth who may be LGBT. Hopefully that will change in the years to come.
I have to say, I have been following this blog for a while because it’s so unique and honest. Thank you so much to both of you for opening up and sharing your family experiences with us. I read your post and hope I can be as good as a father to my kids as you seem to be with yours. If we could just respect each other in this world and understand we are all different and we all like different thing and we shouldn’t be forced to be one way just because it’s the “norm”, then this world would maybe finally see peace! Thank you, again.
Beautiful.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is so refreshing to read that a straight man, while still coming to terms with his “unique” son, is also as fiercely protective as you express in this entry. My own father was a bit like you, but only in the respect of his past as a bully. He only came around to accepting me as “different” (i.e. gay) when I was 24. And that revelation occurred as he faced his own mortality after being diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer. Growing up, he frequently tried to push more “manly” pursuits upon me such as fixing cars, football, and baseball. I felt so guilty about not being interested in these things that I lied to him about it and feigned interest. When he noticed my interest in “feminine” activities, he became enraged and verbally abusive (more so than the bullies at my school.)
Thank you for being there for your son. For encouraging his individual development. For acknowledging his interests. For protecting his innocence.
Bravo! This was a Wonderful post and I was so glad to hear the Father’s perspective. My Husband is the same way with our 3 year old that loves dolls and dresses and instead of raising an unhappy child my Husband accepts that our Son is a little different and happily helps him put on dresses and order the girl toy happy meal because it’s so worth the smile on our Son’s face. CJ is so lucky to have such understanding parents!
You. Are Fantastic. And almost made me cry. Your boys are lucky.
Cj is so lucky to have parents like yourself and your wife ! You can be proud of the dad you are.
Take care, Eleanor
Bravo! I had been wondering how you handle this. It is hard for a father to not knee-jerk react to what is happening with or to their children. I am happy that you know that you can have that fleeting thought then do what is “right”. I think most parents fear that their sins will be visited upon their children. I know I have those fears. Maybe it isn’t our sins, but our experiences that can help us guide our children better. I applaud you and your family for embracing BOTH your children and their qualities and joys. You have a wonderful, supportive group around you that you can also draw from and that is great. I have faith (trust and pixiedust) that your children are better for who you were and are now.
That is the loveliest thing I have read in a LONG time. Thank you!
It was indescribably heartwarming to see the love and support that C.J. has. On the subject of bullying, this is going to be a long and winding road for your family. However, because of the preexisting love and devotion this lucky boy has from his family–that too many “possibly LGBT” kids and adolescents have lacked, he has a true chance to not only survive the bullying, but surpass it in superiority.
A vitally important aspect to consider is that C.J. must–and is quite capable–of learning a lot from his parents about how to deal with bullying. It is one thing to be able to take what other kids say and brush it off or try to ignore it; this alone is a feat that too many have struggled with because of the social stress our peers place upon us in grade school. Yet I think C.J., given appropriate guidance from his supportive parents, could take the bullying and positively turn it onto the bullier. Not in a combative way but as corrective measure. Kids these days, for the majority, are growing up knowing so much more about technology, adult issues, and sexual tendencies that they generally only carry negative opinions of sexual orientation if their parents have made it their life goal to instill such hate. I can almost guarantee that if C.J. has the tools to stand up for himself appropriately, any and EVERY friend he has will be more than willing to stand up for the bigotry that he would be facing, because these kids know it is wrong.
Maybe I’m optimistic, or just hopeful, but I think it’s a goal you should be trying to achieve.
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Best wishes from Scotland! This actually made me cry, and I’m not ashamed about that. Tolerance doesn’t mean liking every difference we find, it means accepting its basic entitlement to exist. And you two are so much more than tolerant; you’re inspirational. Both of your sons are very lucky to have such caring and engaging parents, never mind ones who are so open to encouraging their children to become who they truly are. Keep up the good work and please never doubt what you are doing: you are proof that individuals really can change the world, and the ripples of your actions can already be felt across the pond.
So many men are so confused about what it means to be a man. Luckily for C.J. and his brother they have an amazing example to emulate living in the master bedroom of their own home. bravo.
It takes manly virtues – self control, patience, acceptence and the inner strength to self critique and courage write the things you do. You are right. Aggressive and dominating attitudes don’t make a great leader and those mischerished beliefs have failed us in the corporate world as much as they failed us in our relationships and society in general. The curious thing is that so many gay men and women emulate them as they search for self validity, when we really are just what we are and a beautiful facet of a diverse and dynamic universe. You are a wonderful father and husband.
So many people have a similar story: with children we find wisdom. Thanks for sharing your side of the CJ story.
I would love for you to become a Parent/Ally speaker on the PFLAG Speakers Bureau so that you could share your feelings about having been a bully with the young people we speak to . . . . . . your hindsight could be of tremendous help !
Denny Spargo
PFLAG South Orange County and the PFLAG Speakers Bureau
Thank you so much for being brave, and realizing that while you can love your children equally, sometimes you have to raise (NOT TREAT) them differently from each other. I am so glad you have put your perspective out there, I too will be showing this to my husband, and giving him a hug hug and kiss for making strides toward being as supportive as you are! He is getting better at being the customer at my son’s imaginary diner!
Way to go CJs dad!!! It shows such strength of character to grow as a person for the good of your children. We need more men out there like you!
Wow, what a beautiful post. CJ’s dad really feels like he has found some peace with the situation as a whole. I need to save this to show my husband.
Even only this morning, I had to ring him up to find out where all of our 4yo son’s clothes (namely pink and purple skirts and dresses) were. We have been struggling with this for more than a year now. Mentally he gets the big picture and the support that our son needs, but emotionally he is still at war with himself.
A big thanks for sharing the fathers perspective.