To My Hubby,
I’ve never told you how much I worry about losing my life and leaving you and the boys behind. No mother wants to outlive her children, but no mother wants to vanish from their lives in their youth. Length of life is an even greater concern because of C.J., our little boy with uncommon wants and non-traditional needs. Sometimes, when he does something that only a mother could love, I get scared. If only a mother could love it, who will love it when I’m gone.
If something happens to me, and I’m no longer here to raise C.J., remember these things…
Enjoy the unique journey, even though I’m not here to hold your hand through it.
Seek out therapy for you, for him, for his brother. Create a solid team for raising our boys into men, like you and the ones that came before you. It takes a village to raise a child, but make sure to choose the village wisely, one that is well-suited for C.J.
If something that he is doing is bothering you, think to yourself “why is this bothering me so much?” I’ve found that the answer usually has something to do with what other people will think or say. Remember, this isn’t about you; it’s about him.
Let him perform. Let him sing and dance and act until his heart is content. He may be the only boy doing it, but if it doesn’t bother him, try not to let it bother you.
Let him be creative, which may mean trips to the craft store. He wants to create and it’s a messy process. Put down newspaper and let him go for it. It may require some direction and participation from you. Have fun! Sign him up for art classes.
Strongly encourage him to try sports. A sport. Any sport. He may not like the typical, considered-to-be-more-masculine sports, but there are other ones. Between fitness and the arts, he will have healthy outlets for release when he needs them most.
Get interested in what he’s interested in. Fake interest. Just as you learned to properly identify all of the Disney Princesses, be able to understand what he is excitedly talking about.
Hold him accountable, there are no excuses.
Surround him with the right people. Protect him. Keep him safe. Be his advocate. You don’t have to write a blog, but you do have to stand up for him. Stay engaged and stay in the know.
Support his spirit, never ask him to get rid of his love of make believe. Make believe with him. Show him that anything is possible and believe it yourself.
Take him to museums and the theatre and concerts and other places you wouldn’t normally go. Continue to brush his hair like Justin Beiber as long as he wants you to. Keep his dress-up drawers stocked. It doesn’t have to be fancy stuff. The Goodwill is good enough.
Raise him strong, with a sense of humor. Raise him smart, with compassion for others and their journeys. Things aren’t “weird,” they are just “different,” and “different” isn’t bad.
Raise him to know that if he needs to talk, you will listen. And, if you don’t understand exactly, you’ll still listen and, then, try to find somebody else for him to talk to who might listen and understand even better. Find him mentors, no matter the subject.
Be his biggest fan. Your job is to love him, not change him. Support him. Let him know that you are there unconditionally.
Remember that holidays are for wonder and joy and impossible things. Create them accordingly. Get him the toys that he wants most, even if it means shopping from the pink aisles, not the blue.
Take pictures. Keep report cards. Keep his secrets. Know his friends.
Remember the names of all of his boyfriends or girlfriends or boyfriends and girlfriends. Remember the names of his bullies. Let the bullies know that you know their names. Never let others feel big by making him feel small. Volunteer in his class.
Encourage him to see the world and seek out inspiration. Buy him books. Hug him and kiss him and tell him that you love him every day, even if he doesn’t want you to.
Teach him to respect his body and sex, no matter his orientation.
Help him be the best at whatever he wants to do: hair stylist, mechanic, lawyer, whatever. He can follow his bliss, but encourage him to be the best at that bliss.
Let him watch Dancing with the Stars. If he continues to be a fan of Paula Deen, or, as he calls her, “The Lady Who Cooks Dinner,” take him to her restaurant. Eat the fried
chicken and banana puddin’ for me.
Tell him that I can hear him when he whispers to me and that I’m always watching over him.
Raise him to know that his mommy adored him and fought for him as he innocently played with his Barbies in the other room. Raise him to know that you will fight for him. Raise him to know that you wouldn’t want him to be any other way. He’s perfectly-created as is. Never let anybody tell him any differently.
I’ll miss watching you walk hand-in-hand down the street; you and the little boy in the black and white polka dot apron.
Love always,
Your Wife
Truly beautiful.
I’ve been really interested reading your blog and like so many other people couldn’t help but want to comment on this post! It sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job with your boys and no doubt your other half is too. I only hope this letter will never be needed! I’m also overwhelmed and happy by the number of supportive comments here; it gives me hope that the world will one day be a place where gender is irrelevant and people will be judged only on the strength of their characters. Good luck to you xx
This one like a lot of your others made me cry.
CJ is super lucky to have amazing parents like the two of you. My parents were understanding and they did the best they could.
I feel like any parent could take things from this post on better ways to support their children gender nonconforming or not
You just made me cry. You are amazing and CJ is so very blessed to have a wonderful mama like you. Thanks
You are amazing…know that no matter what orientation your son may be, he will forever feel lucky and fortunate to have a mother who wrote this.
This made me cry. Beautiful.
And this, this part made me lose it (this has been my parents motto since the day I was born):
“Things aren’t “weird,” they are just “different,” and “different” isn’t bad.”
You’re probably one of the most courageous and terrific moms out there, I love you and your family and I haven’t even met you. C.J. couldn’t be any luckier, I only wish my own mother had been more accepting at first when I came out, every child should have the right to grow up doing whatever they feel they want to, even if that means wearing a pink dress (or being a girl: joining an all-boy soccer team!). I read the article in the NYT and that’s how I got here, I’m reading you from Colombia, South America!
Wishing you all the best,
Alejandro
Beautiful. I am terrified that I might die and leave my son behind. He’s not a rainbow like CJ, but he is a pink boy, and I believe that no one knows him or appreciates him like I do.
If I were to leave him, he’d end up being raised by a man that hasn’t cared enough to get to know him for the last 2.5 years of his life. He’d end up being a totally different person than I’m hoping he’ll become.
Thank you for this amazing post!
You are a great Mom and this post brought tears to my eyes. Your son is so lucky, it shdnt matter to him what the world thinks or says, after all they are all third person singular numbers, arent they? His family loves him and thats the most imp thing or shd be. My instincts say your son is a lovely child and he is gong to be fine. Don’t make toomuch of what “others” do or say in front of him and make him see that those people dont feed him clothe him, stay awake when he is ill or love him the way you do, or even care, so why should he care about them? Let him be what he thinks he ought to be and also read him lives of all the great people: he would begin to see they were all bullied bec people dont like diff people, even Einstein was bullied bec he was brighter than others. Rabindranath Tagore the Nobel Laureate had to be homeschooled, right? So? I loved the pictures too.
I have been trying to reply to this amazing post. I agree with all the other replies…I was crying with the first sentence. I loved what you wrote it was so spot on and just amazingly put. I applaud you and hope that more and more people begin to think like you and take that awareness so that all the parents out there let their kids be who they are. So important what you are doing and so well done! Kudos
You are such an inspiration. The world would suffer such a loss if you were to be removed from it unexpectedly. May you and your family have long, healthy, happy lives.
CJ’s Mom,
My name is Sam. I’m just a girl, a college student. Im not gay, or a parent. I don’t have any gay siblings, and I grew up with a pretty loving family. There isn’t really anything that directly connects me to you, but I have been following your blog for a while. It is absolutely beautiful, as are you, your husband and both your boys. I haven’t ever commented before, but this blog touched me more than the rest (and that’s saying something). God forbid you should not live to do all those things with your son. You really are your sons biggest fans and that is great for them. I can only hope to be as wonderful a person and a mother as you are in the future, regardless of the gender or orientation of my children. And I hope that I find a husband as loving and understanding as yours. I don’t think you’d have to worry too much about CJ’s dad, should you not be there. Even if he doesnt always understand, I hope that he would continue where you left off in letting CJ (and his brother) be whoever he wants to be.
I think I’m going to pass your blog on to my own mother, who is expecting her first son in the next month. My stepdad is a bit on the conservative side, and regardless of my baby brother’s orientation, I think they would benefit from hearing your story.
Thank you, and keep being the fantabulous person you are
Oh, wow. I can’t say anything different than what everyone else has said, really. I happen to be a straight woman with a daughter who is very girly, but I always wanted to be “one of the guys” growing up, and I never could. Up until I got pregnant my family would ask me if I were a lesbian, and would then ask why not when I told them “no.”
But what impresses me most (after reading so many comments sections on so many blogs and websites) is that every single post on here is supportive and understanding. So way to go, all of you.
This is the most moving thing I have read in a long time. I sent the link to all my straight friends who are parents. I can’t thank you enough for your courage, your compassion, your ability to REALLY be a mother. I wish the best to you and your family and sincerely hope that more people can be exposed to this blog.
Like others, I found your blog thru the NYT article. I’m sitting at my desk at work with tears in my eyes as I forwarded your post to my husband. Your encouragement, understanding, and pure LOVE shine through your words, and as one Mom to another, you inspire me. Thank you.
I discovered your blog through the NYT’s recent article.
I’ve just finished reading your entire blog and I have to commend you on being so accepting and loving your son unconditionally. To me, this isn’t an issue of gender or sexuality, but of love. Some of the posts had me in Goosebumps while others had me on the verge of tears.
I look forward to reading more insights into your life and CJ’s!
Beautiful. Truly beautiful. Thank you.
Beautiful. Thank you. For this “letter,” for your willingness to share your journey via this blog, for your example.
As a young gay man, I can say that I wish my mother would have had your insight. As hard as it is for children to realize that what’s “acceptable” isn’t always what’s right, it’s even harder for a parent to realize such lessons for their children. I’m so glad that I had a mother who, over the years, has grown and changed so wildly from her small-town, southern mentality. Conversely, the idea of growing up in an environment where I could have had “boyfriends” before moving away to college is mind-blowing and something I painfully ached for.
When it’s all said and done, I hope that CJ will be able to look back and realize that his worst days were truly his best, his best days were unbelievably so, and compared to the young men that came before him, he is truly blessed and loved.
I have read every post. I normally avoid voicing my opinion… but you’ve touched me with this post, more than I can ever explain. You’re so caring. So beautiful at heart. I know CJ is blessed to have someone so enduring, and strong. I can imagine how hard this has been for everyone in your family, but with you’re positivity… you make it seem effortless. I don’t know any of you personally, but damn do I care as much as if you were my family. If only I were so lucky. I love you from a distance, and you inspire me more than anyone I have ever met. Thank you.
Im standing in line @ cafe rio crying right now.
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I was reading this at the gym and still couldn’t stop myself from crying!! OMG!!!
I just found your blog and I absolutely love it. Thank you for raising your son to be whoever/whatever/however he wants to be.
I’ve been thinking about this post all day. It’s so powerful and beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
This post is wonderful and beautiful. Every child in this world deserves to have a mother as loving as you are.
May God, or fate, or whoever rules this world, allow you to spend a longtime with your husband and sons and may your husband and sons know how lucky they are to have you in their life.
This is beautiful; yeah, I cried too. My mother understood my needs and was loving like you. I’ve learned as an adult that my father was rough with her every time he caught my mom allowing me to dress up. I’m so glad that times are changing, and I wish CJ all the best.
Beautiful!
On the topic of sports and exercise, I would highly suggest ballet and gymnastics. While most guys might write them off as “girly,” they both require a great deal of strength. I have watched athletic “macho men” drop out about halfway through an hour-long beginner’s dance class.
As a mom who had a death-defying brush with cancer, I can’t stop crying after reading this. Thank you.
Beautiful… powerful. Tears of joy. I’m happy to know there are moms like you in this world.
that was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. C.J. is very lucky to have such a loving, caring mother and a father who loves him very much,not all parents support their children . Whether they are normal or different ,and to have a father who gets so involve with his children,makes them very very blessed. My husband, doesn’t even care what my girls do all he wants them to do is stay home .He has never shown them any kind of love or effection, let alone be proud of them. I cried when i read this, you please keep it up i would give you all my full support. C J is a wonderful beautiful child and as with his brother thank you for writing this blog. God Bless you and your family
You are an angel
This is a beautiful post, but with all due respect, if you were to die (God forbid), would C.J.’s brother feel bad that not as much had been written about him/ to him? I could see him possibly feeling lost in all of this.
That struck me,too. As beautiful as these sentiments are please Please please, don’t forget the other child. These Children are so Very Lucky to have you in their lives. Blessings!
So, so awesome.
<3 <3
Oh MAN!!!!!!! This is so beautiful. Thank you. Your whole family is lucky to have you.
Thank you for saying what so many parents think.
Much love to you and your family.
CJ
Nothing I can add, except maybe to put a tissue warning at the top of the post.
I just discovered your blog, and I love it. You are the true definition of a mother: unconditional love.
And CJ sounds like a great time to me! Who doesn’t love singing and dancing and pricess outfits? You two are very lucky to have each other!
Tears. This made me think of that “Wear sunscreen” song. Just beautiful CJ’s mom! Here’s to your long healthy life
Most all of them make me cry, but for me this is the best yet. Words can’t thank you enough. I’ve seen so much mistreatment of kids by parents in my near 60 years as an active gay. You give me hope for the world.
i’m a first-time reader and this is beautiful.
but please don’t die.
love, anubha from india
Dadgum it, you made me cry! Wow…thanks for this blog, and thanks for what you said here. I have no words. You just keep writing! Don’t stop – we need voices like yours. And I have faith that your husband will take these words to heart – may the day never come that he needs them.
Good instructions. Your husband and boys are blessed to have you in their lives.
So sweet and so practical. The pictures are great. CJs hair looks just like mine when I was his age!
Bawled. My. Eyes. Out. Seriously an amazing post. I just discovered your blog yesterday and as soon as I did, I sat and read through the entire thing. I don’t have any children yet, but when I do, I hope I can be half the parent that you are, CJ’s Mom. Your writing is inspirational and SO HELPFUL to a twenty-something who hopes to have children some day (like me). Thank you thank you thank you for putting yourself out there and risking the haters. Forget them, all of your supporters (now including me!) will stand up and fight for you and CJ no matter what!!!!!
Yeah, I teared up as well! That’s an amazing note, so full of love and kindness! I imagine I’ll be rereading this for many years to come! Thank you so much for writing this blog!
I wish I hadn’t checked your blog at this moment…
Now I have to try to go to bed after getting all teary-eyed reading that.
May your husband never need to use this letter. But if he does, what a wonderful mother and wife all of your boys will continue to benefit from. Thank you for your open, honest sharing through this blog and the love & acceptance you share with your family.
CJ and his bro’s Mom,
Would you be open to writing a post about how anything has changed since you started this blog? There are elements of the interview I listened to with you that lead me to wonder if there have been some evolution of sorts.
For example, and I must first make a full disclosure. I am not keen to be CJ or his brother’s “Uncle Uncle”, however, I remember your position in the interview seemed to hint at some “thinking out loud” on the matter… And now, you’re talking about a CJ and bro raising team, a “village” concept for child raising, and the need for access to mentors/coaches.
Perhaps I’m reading too much into this?
Cheers,
Pablito,
PS Nice pictures!
I will join the chorus of people here who reached for the damn Kleenex!
This is absolutely amazing and beautiful! The world should be FILLED with moms – and kids – like you!
I’m here in complete solidarity with you on the “Born This Way Blog”.
Maybe someday down the road, CJ can submit his pic and story there too!
Keep being the great mom you are!
xo Paul V.
http://www.BornThisWayBlog.com
I think that was one the most beautiful letter’s I have ever read. You said it perfectly. I read it through my tears….YOUR AN AWESOME MOM and CJ is blessed to have you.
Wow, I am in tears. This post is so beautiful and powerful. Thank you C.J.’s mom, and please keep the blog entries coming.
Oh wow. You brought tears to my eyes. What a truly honest and faithful message of love.
Sniff, Sniff.
More food for thought. something that I hadn’t considered…
Wow.
You made me cry, too. Perfect advice for all parents of all children.
Thank you so much for this open letter and your blog. I was reading this post to my husband over dinner, and I lost myself to tears as the words came out. I am one of your countless readers who did not have the kind and loving home that you’ve provided CJ, and the way you worded your support to your sons and husband is the exact way every child wants to be treated. Your family, your lives and these experiences may be difficult at times, but they are such a beautiful account of a life loved, appreciated and embraced. Thank you for sharing, your readers love you for it.
This post is so inspiring! This lesson is my favorite:
“If something that he is doing is bothering you, think to yourself “why is this bothering me so much?” I’ve found that the answer usually has something to do with what other people will think or say. Remember, this isn’t about you; it’s about him.”
I think every parent should follow all of these rules. They seem simple enough, but can be easily forgotten. I love this post so much.
Wow…..beautifully put. I love reading your blog and I really love this letter. I think it could be applied to any parent fearing what would happen with their children if something should happen to them. CJ is a lucky kid and is obviously very loved and supported. Please keep the blog entries coming! = )
Your posts constantly inspire me to be the mom my child needs me to be, and have given me the gift of becoming a better mother. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Oh my.
This is so poignant, and so sweet.
I’ve been a fan (and read every post!) for a while now, but this drew me out of lurking to say: thank you.
I wish my parents had been… well, even a tenth as accepting as you are. Thank you, for CJ, and for all of us who should have had a world where CJ’s experience was not considered “weird”
Oh my. You have made me tear up. What a love letter to CJ… & perfect instructions to hubby.
xox