Why Didn’t You Tell Me Your Son Was A Boy?!?!

Chase started high school in August. Weeks before that, he joined the football team and began training. Our house quickly became a popular hangout spot for Chase and his new friends/teammates – which is what Matt and I have always wanted. (I certainly didn’t buy a Ping-Pong table, pool table and trampoline for my own enjoyment.) We’d rather have all the kids at our house than out who-knows-where doing who-knows-what.

We order pizza, put out sodas and heat up the pool. We welcome anywhere from five to 20 teenagers into our home most Friday nights and often on Saturdays and Sundays, too. They are all great kids. They are really good at using their manners and cleaning up when I ask them to.

All of Chase’s friends have taken to C.J. without hesitation. The guys who come over are impressed by the flips and tricks he can do on the trampoline. The girls who come over teach him cheers, do his makeup and talk with him about RuPaul’s Drag Race.

C.J. trying to go unnoticed under the pool table.

When Chase gets sick of having his little brother around, C.J. hides under the Ping-Pong table or pool table hoping to go unnoticed while still feeling like he’s part of the action. It works most of the time.

All of these weeks we assumed the teenagers knew C.J. is a boy.

After attending a Halloween party, Chase and a handful of his friends crashed in our living room. As their rides slowly started arriving to shuttle them home the next morning, the boys collected their things. (They never manage to take home all of their things. We officially have a “Lost and Found” by our front door.)

One of Chase’s friends was holding the mask he’d worn to the party the night before and asked, “Does she want my mask?” to no one in particular.

“Yeah, he probably does,” Matt said.

“No, I was asking if SHE wants my mask. If C.J. wants it,” the friend clarified.

“Yeah, he probably does,” Matt said again.

The friend looked confused.

“C.J. is a boy,” Matt said matter-of-factly.

“Eeeeefffffff meeeeeee,” the friend said, putting his hands to his head. “Eff me. I’ve been calling him a ‘her’ and a ‘she’ this whole time! Why didn’t you tell me? I feel so bad!”

Matt told him it was okay.

The friend apologized again before leaving the house and then again a week later when he came over.

We assured again him that it’s fine. We’re fine. C.J. is fine. But the friend wasn’t fine. He felt bad and embarrassed.

C.J.’s toys in the kitchen while Chase’s friends are over.

We told him we aren’t hung-up on pronouns when it comes to C.J. and he prefers we ignore it when he’s misgendered. And, honestly, we are so used to people mistaking him for a girl that we don’t even notice the misgendering most of the time. None of us ever noticed the friend using the wrong pronouns.

We’d assumed the teens who spend time in our home knew C.J. is a boy. Chase’s friend reminded us that it’s not always evident – and, sometimes, I’m sure it’s downright confusing to newcomers.

Our lackadaisicalness when it comes to C.J.’s pronouns and misgendering caused one of Chase’s friends (and maybe more, who knows) confusion and embarrassment. I felt bad for the friend; he had the best intentions.

How many of Chase’s other friends think his brother is his sister?

We’ve done little things to be clearer that C.J. is a boy. You know, we do awkward things like saying his pronouns louder and referring to him as Chase’s brother more often than necessary. Like when someone isn’t fluent in your language and struggling with comprehension so you increase your volume thinking that will help them understand? Yeah, it’s like that. Super effective.

As much as I feel bad for Chase’s friend, I feel good because we are educating the teens who spend time in our home. They see we are just as fine with boys in dresses playing with dolls as we are with boys in helmets playing football. We don’t get hung up on pronouns, labels or society’s expectations. Everyone is valued, accepted and loved in our home.

I hope they feel that. I help they continue to enjoy our home, our food and, sometimes, our company. If they ever moved on to someone else’s house, I sure would miss their manners and messes and left behind socks.

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Our Halloween Costume Evolution

Following is a short recap of each of CJ’s Halloweens (it’s also our month in review for October from Instagram). I plan to add to this post each Halloween because I’ve heard from people that it’s helpful to read as they get their own gender expansive trick-or-treaters prepped for the holiday.

2007

Little Halloween CJ. Nearly nine months old. At the time, we had no idea that his gender expression would be feminine. Luckily, a monkey with a banana on its head is pretty gender neutral. So when he looks back at pictures, CJ doesn’t mind this one like he does others. It irks him (sometimes a lot and sometimes a little) when he sees a picture of himself as a baby or toddler looking masculine. Because that’s not who he is, but we didn’t know that until he was old enough to let us know through actions and, then, words.

2008

Little Halloween CJ and Chase. CJ was 21 months old and still not showing or telling us that he was gender nonconforming. I dressed him up as Robin Hood because:
1. My friend’s son had used the costume the year before and hand me downs are free.
2. Red heads look great in green, especially when they have little curls that poke out the bottom of their hat.
3. He could wear his cute moccasins with the costume (which I failed to take a picture of).
4. I had no idea he’d rather dress up as Maid Marian. We still had more than a year to start figuring that out.

2009

Little Halloween CJ visiting Matt at work. He was two years old and I dressed him as a police officer so he could be twinsies with his daddy. He loved it. CJ was just starting to show signs of being gender nonconforming but we weren’t picking up on them. Pics from that day are the first we have of CJ holding dolls. They were little Halloween dolls and he had them in his hands all the way until Christmas.

2010

Little Halloween CJ is three here. Between the last Halloween and this one, CJ was showing us that he was gender nonconforming. We just were struggling with it and hoping it was just a phase.

He wanted to be Snow White for Halloween. I stuttered and stammered for an excuse not to let my son dress up as a girl and leave the house for the entire neighborhood to see. To us, that felt like taking the whole “liking girl stuff” thing too far, like we’d be parading our son around and asking for problems. That was a line we weren’t ready to cross.

I spent weeks working on a costume for CJ that was a compromise. I got to the bottom of what he wanted most out of a costume, which was to wear makeup and fabric that felt nice. I sat him on my lap in front of the computer and went to a popular website for Halloween costumes. I clicked on the “Boys’ Costumes” section of the site and tricked him into thinking that those costumes were his only options. I felt guilty about it. But it also felt like something that I had to do to protect both of my boys from what other people might think and say and to keep the holiday as drama-free as possible.

We ended up settling on a black satiny polyester-blend skeleton costume with a face full of black and white makeup. It wasn’t the costume he wanted; luckily eating candy helps sad feelings.

2011

Little Halloween CJ is four here. And FINALLY in a costume of his choosing.

As Halloween approached that year, I grew scared, knowing he was going to want to dress up in a “girls’ costume.” He’d been talking about it for months. Striking a compromise like we had the year before with the polyester skeleton and face paint wasn’t going to happen.

I took CJ to the costume store to select his Halloween attire. Matt and I agreed that whatever he chose to be, he had to have a wig. That felt safer to us. We both felt like we could really hide (I mean “protect”) our child under a wig. A wig felt like armor.

We wandered eight aisles of options: boys’, girls’ and gender neutral. CJ was not interested in any of the “boy” costumes, except for the moment he spent inspecting the size-extra-small Jesus getup, because, after all, it did have a dress and long hair. He informed me loudly that Jesus’s sandals were ugly, and I told him that it’s not nice to judge Jesus or his footwear and that the options were limited in those days.

Then he saw it and our decision-making process was over; there was no going back. It was a costume that he had mentioned a few times. It was Frankie Stein from the Monster High line of toys by Mattel. She is 15 and the daughter of Frankenstein. She’s supersassy and likes—according to her online bio—shopping for “scary cute clothes that are absolutely to die for.”

2012

Little Halloween CJ at age five. He dressed up as Bloom, a fairy from Winx Club. We’d come such a long way in our gender journey that we didn’t give it a second thought; we just bought the costume. No manipulative online browsing. No off-hour trip to the costume store. No panic. No worry. No nothing.

Just when we got to the point of not caring about what other people might say, think or do about our boy wearing a “girls costume,” CJ began to care. When kids at school asked what he was going to be for Halloween he replied “I don’t know yet.”

It sadden me to think that the next year he might want a “boys costume” to avoid negativity, stares and judgment from other people. At that point, I didn’t want my boy to want a “boys costume.”

2013

Little six-year-old Halloween CJ decided to be Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland. CJ was just beginning to find comfort and a sense of camaraderie in the dark, quirky fantasy worlds created by Tim Burton — worlds where being different is celebrated. CJ is different. He wants to be celebrated.

As part of the costume, CJ wore a long blonde wig and makeup. When I looked at the pictures of him in his costume, it caught me off guard to see what a beautiful girl my son was. He looked effortless, happy and confident. All the things I want him to be.

2014

Little Halloween CJ at age seven. When the kids at school asked what he was going to be for Halloween, he told them he was going to be a lawyer. I smiled. My son was spinning the truth. I’m in PR, I know good spin when I see it.

Yes, in very general terms CJ was going trick-or-treating as a lawyer. More specifically, he would be dressed as Reese Witherspoon’s lawyer character Elle Woods from the movie Legally Blonde.

I’m sure everyone pictured him in a little suit and tie with a briefcase and, maybe, faux spectacles – not a pink velvet peplum skirt, white fishnet gloves, lap dog and crown. But, just as there are lots of versions of being a boy, there are lots of versions of being a lawyer.

2015

Little Halloween CJ was eight years old and maturing. The months leading up to Halloween, he’d been drawn to mid-century design, vintage pinup fashion and 1950’s culture. So, when he saw a 1950’s car hop girl costume, his annual outfit hunt quickly ended.

Of course, because CJ uses his creativity and love for all things creepy and quirky whenever he can, his waitress had a backstory. She was murdered with a pair of pink fuzzy dice while delivering an order. Cue the posthumous makeup.

Life with a child like ours — who society deems odd, weird and different — is magical and fun. When you aren’t blinded by worry and the fear of shame, your unique kiddo can amaze you with their creativity, courage and commitment to being totally authentic.

2016

Not-so-little Halloween CJ was nine last year. Shortly after I wrote that he would be dressing up as Bob The Drag Queen (the season eight winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race) for Halloween, Bob contacted me. I just about died. I couldn’t wait to tell CJ that his hero wanted to talk to me. But, Bob told me not to tell CJ because – wait for it – he wanted to try to surprise CJ by showing up to trick-or-treat with him on Halloween night. The only thing Bob asked was that he get to see the look of surprise on CJ’s face.

I’m a realist. What were the chances that Bob would actually fly into town for Halloween? Especially after a huge appearance and video launch that raged until 3 am the morning of. In New York.

No way it would work out, but the offer was beyond sweet. I decided that when meeting CJ in person fell through, I’d get up the nerve to ask Bob to send CJ a video wishing him a happy Halloween. What’s the worst that could happen?

I never had to find out, because the worst didn’t happened. The best happened. Bob worked until the early morning on Halloween, hopped on a flight from NYC to LAX and knocked on the door to surprise CJ and go trick-or-treating with him.

It was the best night of CJ’s short life and, for sure, the best Halloween he will ever have.

2017

Halloween CJ is 10 this year and decided to dress up as a dead drag queen. Over the course of his life, Halloween has gone from a fun holiday for dressing up to a time filled with anxiety and confusion as we struggled with his gender identity and expression to one of our favorite holidays because it’s a good reason for CJ to unleash his creative side.

For example, here’s how his drag queen died. “Well. (click of the tongue and eye roll) Gurl. (flick of the wrist) She was headlining at a BIG drag show and one of the other drag queens didn’t show up for her shift. (disgusted eye roll) So she had to work overtime and do extra numbers. When she got done with her show it was so late that she was too tired to drive her car home. And she didn’t want to take a taxi or uber. So she decided to walk home. She was crossing the street when — BAM! — she got run over by a car!”

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Another Drag Queen Halloween for My Son

I’m good at managing expectations and preparing my children for disappointment. That being the case, I have spent the last year telling C.J. that no Halloween ever in the history of Halloweens will compare to the one he had last year. He has experienced his best Halloween. The end. Period. Adieu.

(photo creds: Bob The Drag Queen)

Last year I told the internets and social meeds that he was going to be Bob The Drag Queen for Halloween and, voila, Bob The Drag Queen surprised C.J. by knocking on the door just before sunset on October 31 and trick-or-treating through the streets of West Hollywood while holding C.J.’s hand.

That’s not real life.

Whoever or whatever you dress up as for Halloween does not care enough about you to want to fly across the country and spend the holiday with you. If so, I would have spent some of my Halloweens with Tina Turner, Gumby and Rainbow Brite.

We have been very open and honest with C.J. Then, the season nine finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race concluded and C.J. turned to me and said “this year I’m going to be Sasha Velour for Halloween and she’ll come trick-or-treating with me. Even though Bob will always be my favorite queen.”

“No! Remember. You’ve had your best Halloween. That’s not going to happen. That’s not real life,” I said.

“I remember,” he said sadly. Oh, he remembered all right. He just didn’t want to believe it.

A few weeks ago he finally realized there was validity to what I had been saying all year. God bless the hopefulness of youth.

He announced that he was going to be a dead drag queen for Halloween.

“How did she die?” I asked not expecting an answer.

“Well. (click of the tongue and eye roll) Gurl. (flick of the wrist) She was headlining at a BIG drag show and one of the other drag queens didn’t show up for her shift. (disgusted eye roll) So she had to work overtime and do extra numbers. When she got done with her show it was so late that she was too tired to drive her car home. And she didn’t want to take a taxi or uber. So she decided to walk home. She was crossing the street when — BAM! — she got run over by a car!”

“So what I hear you saying is you’ve thought of a backstory,” I said.

“Duh.”

After several attempts to find just the right dress he decided to wear one he got last Christmas. Then, he insisted that Matt run it over with our car.

His costume and backstory require that we get him completely done up and gorgeous in drag. And then make it look like he was run over. It’s a multi-step, multi-layer process. Because why wouldn’t it be? I mean, as much as I try to manage expectations and set the bar at a realistic height, it is C.J. we are talking about.

We did a dry run in preparation for Halloween. Here are some pics. Boo!

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My Son’s Children’s Book Features Pride, Unicorns and Mermaids

Meet Nate. He’s the protagonist in the children’s book that C.J. wrote. The book is in very limited release. There’s only one copy in print. And that copy is C.J.’s.

I recently took C.J. to StoryMakery (in the Irvine Spectrum Center by our house). StoryMakery is the first self-publishing destination experience for kids. Children make their own characters and build their own stories from concept to completion. It’s like Build-A-Bear, but instead of leaving with a plush toy, kids leave with a book that they authored and illustrated.

C.J. started by creating his main character Nate. Nate is a 20-year-old writer. He is gay and lives at home with his parents because he loves his house, his room and his family. He is single at the moment and loves to listen to pop music. He mostly wears pink even though gold is his all-time favorite color. He likes gymnastics and milk shakes.

Alexa at StoryMakery helped C.J. on his one-hour journey to becoming a published author. Her and C.J. hit it off right away and she informed C.J. that his book was StoryMakery’s first ever to include a gay Pride scene. This is one of his greatest accomplishments to date.

If you like children’s books that include Pride, gay men, magical unicorns, getting tans with mermaids and adventure-stopping, tutu-wearing elephants, read on. If you don’t like books that include those things, what’s wrong with you?!

Nate’s Great Adventure

One cool night, Nate dreamt about going on a magical journey.

Nate was a bubbly and silly boy who loved to do gymnastics. He was full of imagination and intelligence, always wondering what adventure he could go on next.

One night as Nate was falling into a deep sleep, he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find a magical unicorn.

“Nate! Come with me on a magical journey. We will fly in the sky and met the most splendid people,” the unicorn exclaimed.

“I would love to go, but I have to be back before the sun rises,” Nate told the unicorn.

“Don’t worry, we will be back right on time,” the unicorn assured him.

Nate crawled quietly out of bed and quickly packed his bag with a computer, some gymnastics grips, a blender, and milk shake ingredients. Nate was so excited to go on this journey.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening!”

“You will see everything you’ve dreamed of seeing,” the unicorn promised.

Nate climbed on the unicorn’s back and the two traveled at lighting speed! As they were flying, they stopped by the Pride Parade. Together the friends enjoyed the parade. Nate and the unicorn then walked around Pride visiting different booths. They got to spin prize wheels and collect free gifts like hand sanitizer, phone cases, flags, pins, and gift cards. Nate had so much fun!

Next, they passed dark mountains where an elephant lived. The mountains were surrounded by dark clouds and covered with fog. They were the tallest mountains that Nate had ever seen.

“Oops!” the unicorn said, “Looks like we took a wrong turn.”

“Oh, no! What’s in those mountains?” Nate asked with concern.

“An adventure stopping elephant,” the unicorn replied.

Nate was worried but he knew the unicorn would protect him. As they passed the mountains, the elephant came out of her cave. The elephant wore a tutu and was saying funny things in a loud voice while wiggling her arms. She was trying to stop them from continuing their adventure with her distracting motions.

Nate was worried the adventure stopped here. Then he noticed that the unicorn had raised her hoof into the air.

Using all of her might, the unicorn chanted, “Silly elephant go away. Disappear so we can fly away!”

Within moments, the elephant disappeared. Nate was relieved that they could continue their journey.

The unicorn flew them to a beach. At the beach, Nate and the unicorn met a mermaid named Kate. Nate, Kate, and the unicorn got a tan, built sandcastles, and went swimming. Kate the mermaid shared her starfish and seashell collection with Nate and the unicorn. Then she took them to the best place to watch the sun go down.

“I could sit here all day!” Nate exclaimed, as he stared at the horizon.

“You can visit anytime,” the unicorn said with a smile.

All of a sudden, Nate noticed the time. He had to be home ten minutes!

“I’m gong to be late!” he cried.

“Don’t worry. I will get you back on time,” the unicorn promised.

The unicorn flew over tunnels and waves, valleys and lakes, rivers and streams. Even though Nate knew he had to be home, he didn’t want his journey to end. He wondered for the first time if this was a dream or real life.

The unicorn flew Nate right to his room just as the sun was rising.

“This was the most magical journey of them all,” the unicorn said, “and I am so glad you came along for an adventure with me. I will always protect you, Nate.”

Nate had already fallen asleep. He was so exhausted from the long journey. The unicorn flew silently out of the window and into the sky.

When Nate awoke, he thought his adventure was a dream. Then he felt something underneath his pillow and lifted it up.

There on Nate’s bed, the unicorn had left a snow globe of him, Kate and the unicorn at the beach watching the sunset.

“The dream must have been real!”

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Our Month in Review: September 2017

Following are highlights from our month on Instagram. Click here for all of the months’ pictures, thoughts and happenings. If you’re on Instagram, follow me. If you already follow me, thanks!

 I love my brother and am so thankful for him. He watched the boys all weekend so Matt and I could sneak away to Seattle with friends. He helped Chase host a pool party, took him shopping for school supplies, got him a haircut and took him to his first high school dance. He introduced CJ to *Birdcage* and *The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert* and bought him his first curling iron. He had a pork roast and mashed potatoes waiting for us when we got home. I learned how to parent an LGBTQ child by watching my parents raise Michael and doing the opposite of what they did. Matt and I aren’t alone in raising our boys; Uncle Michael is with us every step of the way. He loves the boys, he worries about them, celebrates them and spoils them. The boys see him as equal parts fun parent and loyal best friend. If you don’t have an Uncle Michael in your life, you should get one.

 

“David was threatening because it was a different consciousness. Whatever you want to call it — the feminization of the male or whatever it was — us boy/girls were a threat.” — Mick Rock, David Bowie’s official photographer. Matt and I visited the Museum of Pop Culture while in Seattle this weekend. The “Bowie by Mick Rock” exhibit was my favorite. I read this quote over and over. Back then, boy/girls were a threat. Today boy/girls are a threat. When will boy/girls stop being a threat?

First writing prompt of the 5th grade: How would you spend one million dollars? “I would love to spend one million $. First, I would travel. I would travel to Hawaii and New York City. Next, I would spend some money on clothes, such as designer bags and designer hats. Finally, I would go shopping. I would buy a curling iron and a lot of makeup. I would love to spend a million $.” (By CJ, age 10) Please note: The paragraph was written before Uncle Michael bought him his first curling iron. So, CJ’s dreams are already coming true.

 

“A bunch of people ask me how I can possibly be so awesome. I tell them, ‘in the words of Lady Gaga, I was born this way’.” — CJ, age 10. For the record, I’ve never heard anyone, let alone “a bunch” of people, ask him how he can possibly be so awesome. But I’m glad he has a standard answer, I guess.

 

CJ scored these roller skates last time we went antiquing. Like every 10-year-old boy, antiquing is one of his favorite weekend activities. He felt that $12 was a steal for these skates because – according to the label – they are “official roller derby skates.” $12 is a good price for anything that’s “official,” he told me. When I was CJ’s age, one of my favorite weekend activities was getting my brother and his boom box out to the front yard so we could choreograph roller skating routines like we were in Xanadu. #likeunclelikenephew

 

“Mom, I’m going to do this to you and two of your girlfriends. You just all sit close together and I’m gonna braid your hair together in one big braid. It will be fun and awesome.” — CJ, age 10
 

“Don’t worry, mom. I already warned my teacher that if I’m tired today it’s because I was at a music video premiere at the YouTube Space in LA last night,” CJ.

 

CJ is the biggest fan of his own fashion designs. To make your own pair of “gay shorts inspired by the boys who were at pride,” cut off a pair of jeans, hem them, add some embroidery detail and attach suspenders. Voila! Then, try to wear them every day and have an attitude when your mom says you can’t.

Be courageous.

 

 

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Things Not To Yell At A Football Game

C.J. and I have been going to a lot of football games lately. Us! At football games! I know, right?!

We go to support our favorite player, Chase, who is now a football-playing high schooler*.

There we sit in the stands – C.J. sandwiched between Matt and I.

Matt is good at watching football. C.J. and I are not.

Matt yell-cheers things like “Come on D!” and “Look for the hole!” while I laugh at the sexual undertones. Then, he tells me to grow up.

I don’t know what to yell-cheer. So mostly I don’t. But every once in a while the urge comes over me.

Like, when one of our players gets the ball and starts running for a touchdown.

“RUN!” I yell-cheered when it happened at the last game. “RUN! RUN!

The player must have heard me yell-cheering because, sure as shit, he kept running. I saw a player from the other team getting dangerously close to him.

“DON’T GET HURT!” I yell-cheered even louder and with an extreme sense of urgency.

Matt whipped his head in my direction.

“Did you really just yell that?” he asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

Matt said that’s not a good thing to yell-cheer during a football game. So I had to scratch that off my list of possible yell-cheers.

Our player didn’t get hurt. Instead, he got a touchdown and the stands went wild (as much as they do at freshman football games).

“Did we get a homerun?!” C.J. asked. Matt put his head in his hands. C.J. will never remember that football has touchdowns and baseball has homeruns.

C.J. fills some of his football spectating time reading People magazine because it arrives in the mail on Thursdays and Chase’s games are on Thursdays – it’s like it’s meant to be. Last year, C.J.’s teacher told him that he needs to read more nonfiction. People magazine is his preferred nonfiction reading material.

I make him watch the game whenever Chase is playing.

“Chase is going in,” I say and nudge him.

“What number is he?” he asks.

“Number 59,” I say.

(Three minutes later.)

“Chase is going in,” I say and nudge him.

“What number is he?” he asks.

“Number 59,” I say.

That goes on all game long. Matt scoots a little further away from us.

We’ve been to about five games so far and I always manage to yell something that I guess I’m not supposed to yell.

Most recently it was “RUN!!!” followed by “BE CAREFUL WITH HIS KNEES!! THEY DON’T BEND THAT WAY!!!”

Then, a dad yell-cheered “IF THE QUARTERBACK CANT THROW THE BALL PUT HIM IN A CHEERLEADER UNIFORM AND LET HIM CHEER ON THE SIDELINES WITH THE GIRLS!!!”

C.J. and I looked at Matt wide-eyed and horrified.

“Oh, and he’s allowed to yell that?!” I asked. I try not to sit by that dad now.

The first few games, C.J. would watch the cheerleaders flip and do acrobatics while saying under his breath “I can do that” and the ever-humble “I can do that better.” In true C.J.-style, he’s made friends with a handful of the cheerleaders and is now convinced they are cheering specifically for his enjoyment. They call out for him by name when he arrives at the games (with the latest People Magazine and an iced tea in hand). He sits and smiles and waves at them as they do cheers and wiggles his body in a way that tells me he knows the cheer routines and is holding back from doing them along with the cheer team. I don’t think he can hold back for much longer.

When Chase first started playing football during summer break a co-worker asked me what position he plays and my response was “well…he’s not the runner or the thrower.”

I realized that I needed to learn more about Chase’s new sport. Now, I know he plays defensive tackle and offensive tackle.

C.J.’s hobbies and passions are easy for me know about and be supportive of because they are typically things I was or am currently drawn to.

I have to try a little harder with Chase. I like trying. Chase is a source of constant wonder for me. I’ve never witnessed a cisgender straight boy grow into a man. He likes things that I know nothing about, which means I get to learn along with him or have him teach me. All while mothering him, guiding him and worrying about him every freaking minute of every damn day.

“Did you see that play?!” Matt asks.

“No, I told you, when Chase is playing I have to laser focus in on his head to watch for traumatic brain injuries,” I say.

Chase is still my little preemie baby, even though he’s taller than me and my head rests on his shoulder when he hugs me.

“I like watching you play,” I tell him.

“Thanks, Ma. I like having you there,” he says.

If only he knew the embarrassing things I yell-cheer in the stands.

*Sit down in advance if you are going to tell me how awful high school football is. It is one of the activities Chase wants to participate in and we support him in his passions the way we support C.J.

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An Interview with Matt and Our Month in Review: August 2017

Following are highlights from our month on Instagram. Click here for all of the months’ pictures, thoughts and happenings. If you’re on Instagram, follow me. If you already follow me, thanks!

“There’s nothing negative about the way C.J. is. He’s not dysphoric, searching for some answer. He’s super happy just being himself. I told Lori we were going to raise C.J. the same way we raised Chase — instilling the same values and virtues — but that we would follow his lead and love him no matter what. I was like, ‘If he loves Barbies, let’s give him Barbies. If he loves wearing dresses, let’s buy him dresses’,” Matt in an interview with MEL Magazine. Click here to read it.

 

He had a bad day and needed to go for a walk “to gather himself.” I walked with him. Eventually he told me the top three things that were bothering him.
1. Someone ate the last of his Pringles.
2. He felt like he wasn’t very helpful in the escape room we did.
3. He’s sad that some parents don’t love their kids anymore when they come out as LGBTQ.
Those are some big problems for a 10 year old. And, that last one, is rough on a person no matter their age.

When CJ told me one of the things bothering him (see previous pic/post) was that some parents reject their kids for being LGBTQ, this quote kept looping through my head. It’s exactly how I feel about CJ, Chase and Matt. It’s how every parent should feel about their LGBTQ child. And they should communicate it clearly in words and actions. Everyone should feel that a handful of people — or, at the very least, a parent — would choose them.

 

Channel your inner CJ today. Say “Yaaaaas Qweeeeen” when your boss asks you to do something. Say “water off a ducks back” and flick your wrist and roll your eyes when someone says something rude to you. Eat ice cream for lunch and pickles for dinner. Create something fantastic. Be in bed with a good book by 9 pm. Live that CJ life.

 

Another week of sewing camp all stitched up. “My teacher really had her hands full this week! There were so many girls who had never sewed before. This one girl kept saying her sewing machine was broken and I was all ‘Gurl. You’re machine is not broken. Here, let me thread it for you.’ Then I helped every girl thread her machine. I’m basically the teacher’s aide and should get paid $10 for the week.”

 

Flashbacking to little CJ this Friday. He’s werking and twerking on his first day of preschool. While I love the pose in this pic, I can only focus on his polo shirt’s pink stripe. Why? Because he wanted a pink shirt from the girls section and I wouldn’t buy it. He was four and I was struggling with his gender expression. I was afraid that the start of school would bring the start of bullying. So I forced him to focus on and get excited about the pink stripe on his polo shirt. Now, looking back from where I am today, I get mad at myself and feel bad for CJ when I look at this pic. He was four years old. It was the toughest age for a lot of reasons. The terrible twos are nothing. Nobody talks about the fucking fours. And, when CJ was four, we were at the height of our struggle with his gender identity and gender expression. Schools starting. If your boy wants a pink shirt, get it. Don’t settle for a pink stripe.

 

You’re looking at proof that I’m a good mom and my kids are reaching age appropriate milestones. CJ (age 10) can now flat iron my hair for me while I look at my phone. I’ve dreamt of this day. I’ve been waiting to write the date in his baby book. Today is the day. August 14, 2017. #neverforget #mommingsohard #momlife

 

Backseat confessions on the way home from gymnastics practice.

 

Matt: CJ, this is the church where your mom and I got married. Stand in front of it so I can send her a pic at work.

 

Me from the Nordstrom shoe dept: Where are you?
Matt: We are in the makeup department. A great guy saw CJ looking at the makeup and I told him that CJ is in to makeup and wants to be a makeup artist. He is giving CJ a free makeover.

Upon seeing my third grade school picture…
CJ: Mom! You were gender nonconforming, too?!
Me: No.
CJ: Then why are you wearing a tie?
Me: Because it made me feel powerful. I wanted to be a successful businesswoman and that was my “power suit.”
When I wore that outfit I always got compliments. People said I looked smart and like a boss. Why? Because masculinity in females is seen as a strength. But, femininity in males is seen as a weakness. So, CJ doesn’t get the same kind of praise when he wears a skirt….even though that’s the clothing that makes him feel powerful.

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