Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms and female primary caregiver adults out there!! Just in time for the holiday, C.J. has written instructions for how to drive your mom crazy. xoxo, Lori
Photo Creds: ABC News
Matt and I decided to watch the Bruce Jenner’s 20/20 interview with our sons. And, we’re so glad we did because it was really great, respectful and educational. We didn’t make a big announcement; we just turned on the television while they were in the room, like we often do.
C.J. sat on the floor playing Lego Elves; Chase was in our over-sized chair playing his Nintendo 3DS. Born into a generation of multitaskers, they were each doing their own thing while listening to our thing.
“Is he transgender?” they both asked as the show got underway.
“We don’t know. Maybe he’ll tell us now,” I said.
As Matt and I watched, the boys gave half of their attention to Bruce and half to themselves.
During the interview, ABC showed a Saturday Night Live clip poking fun at Bruce’s gender expression.
“Awww, that wasn’t nice!” Chase said, not looking up from his game.
When Bruce’s sister was interviewed, she said she cried after Bruce first told her about his gender struggle. She said she didn’t understand at first.
“Well you should understand it! It’s your brother! It’s your family!” C.J. yelled at the TV.
“Sometimes people don’t understand, even family members and friends,” Matt explained.
Diane Sawyer and Bruce both said that Bruce will emerge as “Her” – expressing more or entirely as female — when the time feels right.
“I can’t wait to see her!” C.J. exclaimed giddily.
“Yeah, why is he not a girl yet?” C.J. asked impatiently.
“Because he’s taking his time,” Matt says.
When the interview was almost over, C.J. looked up from his LEGOS and said very seriously…
“I’m going to be a boy my whole life.”
“Okay,” Matt and I said in unison.
“But, you know if doesn’t matter to us if you are a boy or a girl. That we love you no matter what,” I said.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he mumbled.
Our unconditional, nonjudgmental, totally supportive love bores C.J. now. But, at least he knows it’s there for him.
When the interview was over we paused the TV.
“What are your final thoughts on that?” I asked both of the boys.
“I wish he didn’t have to wait to transition until he’s so old,” Chase said.
“I want a snack,” C.J. said.
And, with that, out teaching moment came to an end.
I’m lucky to have two kids who love each other, mostly get along, play well together and sometimes hold hands when no one is looking.
Lately, their favorite way to pass time is to jump on our trampoline together. Even though C.J. would prefer to take turns performing mini choreographed gymnastics routines for each other, Chase more often than not convinces him to play “superheroes.” I’m not sure what all the game entails, but I do know that they each pick a superhero to portray. Chase is always Captain America and, because he is unfamiliar with mainstream superheroes, C.J. has made up his own.
C.J. is Banana Man.
Me: What are Banana Man’s superpowers?
C.J.: I can shoot bubblegums out of my mouth. And if I touch stuff my sticker power is activated and whatever I touch gets covered with stickers. And I can turn things rainbow colored. And I can have a Super Jump.
Me: What’s a Super Jump?
C.J.: I jump really high and when I land on the ground people fall like they can’t walk in high heels.
Me: What outfit does Banana Man wear?
C.J.: It changes every day. But sometimes I only wear underwear while fighting bad guys because I can’t handle the pressure of picking out an outfit every day.
Me: And who are these bad guys you fight?
C.J.: Chase when he’s Captain America, that’s why it’s okay if I’m only in my underwear, because he’s seen me in my underwear before.
Me: What does Banana Man like to eat?
C.J.: Cookies with milk and bananas and donuts and pickles.
Me: What does Banana Man hate to eat?
C.J.: Chicken and French fries and tires.
Me: Well, that makes sense.
C.J.: Maybe I’ll pick out one outfit that Banana Man mostly wears so I don’t have to feel pressured picking out a new outfit every day. Can you hold on a minute?
Me: Sure.
And, then he returned as Banana Man…
Banana Man!
Photo Cred: Yahoo! Parenting via xxtayloralesanaxx/Instagram
My heart is sad today for 16-year-old Taylor Alesana of Fallbrook, California. Taylor, a transgender high school student, committed suicide after being bullied and harassed at school.
“When you’re a kid, parents always tell you sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you,” Taylor said. “To me that’s not true. Words hurt, and words turn up to threats and threats turn up to physical violence.”
Popular for her YouTube make-up tutorials, Taylor encouraged other transgender teens to protect themselves by reporting bullying to school administrators and law enforcement. She had followed her own advice and was also seeking support at the North County LGBTQ Resource Center.
The sadness in my heart shares space with anger. Taylor lived just one hour from my home; so, as a fellow Californian, I can tell you that the California Department of Education did nothing to help Taylor.
California’s safe school laws are comprehensive and advanced in comparison to other states. California leads the nation in establishing laws to protect perceived and confirmed LGBTQ kids and, then, the state fails these kids miserably by not enforcing the laws.
The California Department of Education Office of Equal Opportunity was created to investigate complaints of bullying and discrimination throughout California and enforce the state’s excellent safe school laws and education codes.
BUT, the California Department of Education Office of Equal Opportunity has not investigated a single claim of discrimination filed by or on behalf of students across the state. The office’s failure to enforce anti-bullying laws has resulted in dangerous, system-wide ignorance and unaccountability in California’s schools. The Education Office of Equal Opportunity doesn’t even log or track appeals.
The on-going systemic failure is detailed in the scathing 2013 California State Auditor’s Office’s report summarized here: https://www.bsa.ca.gov/reports/summary/2012-108
If you want to do something to help LGBTQ kids and their families in California, please email and/or phone State Superintendent Tom Torlakson’s office and let him know that ignoring the situation at California Department of Education Office of Equal Opportunity is dangerous and must stop. Please join me in demanding that California Department of Education Office of Equal Opportunity be restructured, appropriately resourced and that it become computerized now…before we lose one more young person. Torlakson can be reached at 916-319-0800 and EHughes@cde.ca.gov.
If you or a young LGBTQ person you know is thinking about suicide, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. For adults over the age of 24, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
I wrote a blog post for this week, but instead of being published here, it’s published as an Op-Ed on Entertainment Tonight’s website. Check out the links below to have a read.
Photo Creds: etonline.com
Op-Ed: Thank You, Angelina Jolie, For Celebrating Our Kids Who Are ‘Different’
“Different is good,” Angelina Jolie said Saturday night at the Kids’ Choice Awards. “Don’t fit in… don’t ever try to be less than what you are, and when someone tries to tell you that you are different, smile and hold your head up high and be proud.”
As the mother of a child who is different, I can’t get enough of Angelina Jolie. Every time she publicly and proudly says or shows that it’s okay to be different, I am grateful….Click here to read the full piece.
Someone recently asked Matt if he thinks he’s too hard on C.J. and his brother at some moments and too easy on them at others. The line of questioning irritated me because Matt is an amazing father. The next day, Matt sent to me this beautiful letter for safe keeping for C.J. (Chase got his own letter.)
Dear C.J.,
Your mom loves this quote and has had it above her desk for years. I’ve seen it there and read it so many times that now it’s one of my favorites, too. It makes me think of you.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”— Marianne Williamson
I have said in many interviews over the past two years that the most important job I have as a father is to raise you and your brother to be respectful, responsible, courageous people. I don’t care if you love males, females or people who identify as neither or all of the above. I don’t care what toys you play with or what colors you like. I care that you respect yourself and others. That you are responsible for your own things and actions and the effects they potentially have on other people. I want you to act courageously, not cowardly. You don’t have to be a hero, but don’t make other people your victims or allow people to make you theirs. Always remember, being compassionate and understanding is just as important as being strong and decisive.
You make me proud and I love watching you grow as the years keep flying by. I’m inspired everyday by your creativeness, bravery and confidence.
A lot of times, when I hear LGBTQ people talk about growing up, they say that their parents were mean to them. I want you to always remember that I never, ever, do anything just to be mean to you or because I don’t love you or because I don’t approve of you. I like you. I love you. I approve of you. I think you’re perfect.
I’m sure you’ll find my parenting frustrating at times. You may think my rules are too strict and unwavering. I’m okay with that, because I’m a parent. I’m trying to help you become the best person you can be. I will push you and teach you and love you and support you. That’s my job. I’m sure at times you will say that I’m too hard on you or that I hold you to higher standards than other people. I’m alright with that too, because I do. As a parent, it is harder to be tough and consistent than lenient and convenient. I’m constantly working my hardest to help you be your best.
As you grow up, you will disappoint your mother and me by making poor choices. That’s alright too. That’s why it’s called growing up. I just want you to grow from the times when you stumble. I’ll always be right behind you to pick you up and point you in the right direction again. That’s my job. Your job is to learn from your mistakes. You have to get back on the right path and let me hold your hand as you walk a little farther along.
When you are an adult and leave our home, you will never leave my heart or my family. By that time, I hope I will have prepared you to be an exceptional person with inspirational qualities. I am so proud of the person you are becoming and the character you are already demonstrating. Always be true to who you are. Never doubt who you are. Never.
Life will be tough and unfair. People will be jerks. You may be judged and people may be condescending toward you. Don’t let anyone make you play small. Don’t ever let anyone prevent you from being your most honest, whole self. Don’t shrink to make others feel more comfortable. Your true personality and character are what make you the person I love.
Your journey will be difficult and frustrating like many other young adults. Always remember that when things get hard I will be right behind you pushing you to learn and be resilient. I will always love you and support you and I will always have your back, ALWAYS.
Love,
Your Dad
“Where are you going for your birthday party?” one of C.J.’s girl friends asked him while they were play-dating at our house the week before his birthday.
“West Hollywood,” he said casually, as if every second-grader in Orange County knows what and where West Hollywood is.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“That’s where they have lots of gay people and people like me,” he explained. “I’m going to wear a skirt there and they won’t even laugh at me.”
“Cool,” his friend said as she smiled and nodded, even though I could tell that she had no idea what he was talking about.
Six months prior, C.J. decided that he wanted to have his birthday at a wig store. I thought for sure he’d change his mind, because he does that a lot.
But, he repeatedly mentioned it and by November, I knew that I had to try to make it happen. So, I enlisted the help of my brother, Michael, who lives in West Hollywood, and gave him a list of things that C.J. wanted to do in celebration of his eighth birthday.
On the morning of C.J.’s birthday party day, we woke up and drove 30 minutes to my best friend Marie’s house to pick up her and her two daughters (the dads stayed home to work). Her daughter Grace is four weeks older than C.J. and they are besties through and through. If you need proof, you can read their matching shirts that say “I heart my bestie.” Marie’s daughter Kate is one of Chase’s best friends despite her being three years older than he is. They share a love of bacon, Modern Family and making each other laugh.
We took the kids to the Toys R Us near Marie’s house to check “go shopping for toys” off of C.J.’s birthday party to-do list. C.J. selected some Shopkins, a Monster High pen and a Ballerina marionette.
An hour later, we were in West Hollywood greeting Uncle Michael and six of his closest friends at The Abbey – which has twice been voted the best gay bar in the world and was Elizabeth Taylor’s favorite pub. Rest assured that at noon on a Saturday, the crowd was tame and family friendly.
We were escorted to a secluded table on the patio and C.J. promptly handed out pink mardi gras beads to his guests (no flashing required). Because they were sitting across from me and next to each other, Uncle Michael helped C.J. decide what to eat. Imagine my surprise when C.J. ordered Nutella crepes for lunch.
After lunch, the 13 of us (three straight females, six gay men and four children – for the sake of setting the scene) walked in parade fashion up Santa Monica Blvd. to the crosswalks painted rainbow. We crossed the street taking pictures all the way. Then, we turned around and crossed again. Then again. Then again. People took pictures of us taking pictures of ourselves.
We paraded back to our car and drove to the wig store of Uncle Michael’s choosing. Though they didn’t seem excited to see us rush into their store initially, the staff of three joined our party when they realized that we were celebrating a unique boy who likes wigs and falls more than just about anything else. Every member of the group chose one wig to try on. When C.J. fell in love with a fall that matched his one-of-a-kind hair color perfectly, I bought it for him and he wore it out of the store and the rest of the day.
At a neighboring toy and costume store, C.J. carefully deliberated which souvenir Oscar to award himself. Eventually, he bypassed the awards for “Best Diva” and “Drama Queen” for a win in the “Best Son” category.
“Because don’t you think I’m a better son than diva and drama queen?” he asked me looking for reassurance. I agreed.
Back at Uncle Michael’s place, we ate pink cupcakes, opened presents and sang along to popular Disney tunes that were blasting.
C.J. fell asleep on the way home — as he always does after a long, fun day in West Hollywood.
“That was the best birthday party! I’m going to tell everybody at school that they should have their birthday parties at West Hollywood,” C.J. said next day.
West Hollywood, if you see an influx of children’s birthday parties in the coming months and years, remember who started the trend.
* * *
A huge, heartfelt thank you to everyone who attended the West Hollywood Wig Out Birthday Spectacular and made the day beyond special for C.J. Your acceptance and love for our family is profound and it’s quietly letting our kids and their friends know that it’s okay to unabashedly be themselves.
C.J.’s eighth birthday was on February 1, which was also Super Bowl Sunday, which a lot of people thought was really cool, except for C.J. Luckily, Katy Perry’s halftime show made the day bearable for him.
Because of the NFL’s total disregard for my child’s birthday, we were forced to celebrate early.
On Friday, I picked up C.J. and three of his best girl friends after school for a birthday playdate at our house.
The night before, while C.J. was asleep, I decorated the house in the pink and black party supplies he had selected. I was giving myself an “A” grade in parenting. Then, we arrived home and Matt was waiting with a bouquet of pink and white flowers for C.J., which knocked me down to a “B” grade and moved him up to an “A+” grade because a dad surprising his son with a birthday bouquet of flowers will always earn 100 percent.
At C.J.’s request, we gathered around the dining room table and decorated cookies. As you can see, to this group, more is more.
Then, we made Valentine’s Day-themed monkey necklaces. The package showed a girl monkey and a boy monkey, but we called them red monkeys and black monkeys. I told C.J. and his girl friends that we had enough supplies for each of them to make one red monkey necklace and one black monkey necklace.
They all made the red monkey first and decorated it to be a girl monkey.
“I’m going to make the black monkey be a half boy, half girl monkey,” C.J. informed everyone at the table.
“Me too! The boy monkey will be half boy and half girl like you, C.J.!” one of his friends said. All the others excitedly followed suit and C.J. was beyond flattered.
The cookie decorating and necklace making didn’t take nearly as long as I had anticipated; I was scrambling to think of something for them to do.
“We’re going to go upstairs and play what we always play during lunch and recess,” C.J. proclaimed.
“What do you play?”
“Annie.”
And, with that, they were off, clamoring up the stairs and slamming doors as they all selected articles of clothing from our enormous dress up bin and dispersed to various rooms to get suited up. C.J. put on a dress, which I wasn’t sure he’d feel comfortable doing because one of the girls had never been to our house before nor seen him in a dress or skirt.
When they reconvened in C.J.’s room they took their places (naturally, C.J. got to be Annie since he was the birthday boy) and, then, at the top of their lungs, started singing “It’s A Hard-Knock Life.” Over and over and over and over again. They even had a semi-choreographed dance routine. I wondered what the other kids on the playground thought about them when they did this at school.
After close to an hour of enjoying their vocals, I suggested it was time to open presents. On the way downstairs C.J. and his friends tried to convince me that the new Annie movie is better than the original Annie movie. In an attempt to be a gracious host, I said that we should agree to disagree.
Proving they know him well, his friends gifted him with My Little Pony, Monster High, Littlest Pet Shop and a Target gift card, which he later spent on Shopkins and leggings.
When, it was time to take his friends home. C.J. left his dress on and slipped on flip-flops.
“Is C.J. going to take me home wearing a dress?!” his newer friend asked.
“Yup.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders and giggled and took his hand as they walked to the car.
We went to bed early that night, because the next day was a very big day….
C.J. met Samuel about three years ago when Samuel was a boy named Samuel. Now, Samuel is a girl named Sophia.
Initially, C.J. and Samuel bonded over being boys who liked to be mermaids in water and princesses on land. They painted their nails together, celebrated birthdays together and put on fashion shows together.
“Samuel is more gender nonconforming than I am,” C.J. would point out to me privately. It was a fact that often caught him by surprise because he rarely met a boy who was more gender nonconforming than he was.
About this time last year, Samuel decided — once and for all — that he was not Samuel, he was Sophia.
I had emotional talks with Samuel’s mom. We’d both always known it was a possibility that our sons were transgender; but, thinking it could be so and having it be so are vastly different. Nothing prepares you for your boy’s first day of school as a girl.
With every ounce of my being, I tried to make it all about Sophia and her mom during our talks and time together during her transition. Then, I’d hang up or walk away and wonder what Sophia’s transition would mean for my son and my family.
C.J. had gone through periods during which he wanted to be known as Rebecca, Chloe, Raquel and Cleo. At different times, he said that he’d be a girl when he grew up. A few times, he’s said that he might be trans. But, he never fully committed to any of it. When it came to his gender identity and gender expression, we followed his lead, but he never continually led us in the same direction. It was maddening a lot of the time, though we never let him know it.
If his friend Samuel became Sophia, what would C.J. become? Would C.J. want to transition because Sophia did? If C.J. transitioned, would it be the right decision for him?
After much stalling, I nervously sat down next to C.J. on his bed and explained to him that Samuel was becoming Sophia.
He looked at me oddly and thought for a minute or two.
“Is he transgender?” he asked.
“Yes. She is transgender. So from now on we call her Sophia and use ‘her’ and ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ and ‘him,’” I replied.
He was quiet some more.
“What are you feeling?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you sad?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you jealous?”
“Yeah.”
“I want to wear dresses to school and everywhere like Sophia will now.”
“Well, you know you can.”
“I know. But it’s different now because she’ll be a girl wearing a dress and I’ll still be a boy wearing a dress.”
The first few times C.J. saw Sophia, I saw some envy in his green eyes as he studied her. I worried how Sophia’s transition made C.J. feel; it was clear that it was making him feel something.
“I don’t want to be a girl every day. I don’t even want to be a girl every other day. I’m not transgender,” he blurted out one day while we were playing with his LEGO Friends.
“Okay,” I said.
C.J. has been consistently leading us in the same direction for six months now. I was worried that Sophia’s transition would influence C.J. to do the same, but, as of right now, it’s done the opposite. C.J. still dresses up in skirts and dresses at home, plays with dolls, paints his nails and loves to take part in fashion shows. He’s the same boy he was when he met Samuel, even though Samuel is not.
“I’m gender nonconforming, but I’m not transgender,” he sometimes explains to people.
I tell him he doesn’t need to clarify.
“Sometimes I do,” he insists.
“Okay,” I say.
C.J. and Sophia have taught me that gender is unique to every person. You don’t have to clarify your gender for other people, but sometimes you have to clarify your gender for yourself.
Raising My Rainbow 