Spoiler Alert: I allude to some things about Santa that you may not want your child to read.
It’s a different kind of Christmas in our house this year. It’s C.J.’s first Christmas knowing that thing about Santa that only bigger kids and grown ups know.
This year, C.J. handed over his Christmas wish list only after confirming multiple times that “knowing gets you just as many presents as believing.” I guess he would start un-knowing and re-believing if my answer had been no instead of yes.
Let’s just dive right into his list, because the item at the top managed to shock even the world’s reigning drag queen – so there’s really no subtle way for me to introduce it.
Hip pads to wear while in drag: He’s heard all about them on RuPaul’s Drag Race and has caught glimpses of queens making them and tending to them on the show; now he wants his own set. Or pair. Or however you address them to mean one for each hip. Oh, and butt. When he told this to Bob The Drag Queen, Bob was surprised and gave a fabulous, hearty chuckle.
Bob said that a queen usually makes her hip pads based on the size and age of the woman she is going to be. What do you do if your queen is a nine-year-old boy who wants to be a 20-something man being a 30-something woman?
Drag Makeup and Drag Clothes: Per family tradition, we visited an amusement park yesterday. I’ve had my kids’ Santa pictures taken there since they were born. I asked C.J. if he wanted to sit on Santa’s lap and get his picture taken given this year’s enlightenment. He said yes. We stood in line and he walked maturely up to Santa and took a seat.
C.J.: I don’t believe in you anymore, but I wanted to tell you that I want drag makeup and drag clothes for Christmas. You know, just in case.
Santa: That sounds great!
Uncle Michael is in charge of checking drag makeup off the list. Now I guess it’s up to me to find drag clothes in youth size 8/10.
These crazy-ass shoes: I’ve ordered them from China and they are lost in transit and the seller won’t return my emails. So, if you all could say a prayer or do a missing-LED-sneaker-rave-footwear dance, that would be awesome. Of everything on the list so far, I thought this would be the easiest gift to get. I was wrong.
Olympic regulation trampoline: Apparently the 12-foot trampoline we have in our backyard is too small for C.J.’s Olympic dreams. He now wants a 10ft by 17ft behemoth that is hand-woven and weighs 573.2 pounds. The price tag is $5,000 and I didn’t see it in any Black Friday ads. Why can’t my kid be normal and want a Hatchimal like all the other kids?
Me: What on earth are you going to do with liquid rubber?
C.J.: Make a boat and a cup.
Jeggings with rips and holes in them: This has become an annual request due to growth.
C.J.: I need new ones because when they get too small for you, girls’ pants really crush a guy’s nuts.
Crocheted mermaid tail: He saw this somewhere and wanted me to crochet it for him. I’ve taken one one-hour crocheting class at Jo-Ann’s, so my skill level isn’t exactly capable of mythical creatures. I was so flattered by his confidence in me, that I bought him one from Zulily.
Rainbow light for his room: If you ever need to find C.J.’s room in the dark, it will be the one with the bright rainbow beaming out of it. Of course.
Lego Amusement Park: 1124 pieces. And I will step on every damn one of them.
Luckily, C.J. is a pretty thankful and easily excitable person. He’s going to be very pleased with what’s under the tree this year.
Happy holidays to you all! If the holidays aren’t happy for you, please know that I’m thinking about you.
Remember, you are not alone 🌈 If you need support, reach out to The Trevor Project 24/7 at: 866.488.7386. Find more ways to connect with a safe, online community at: www.thetrevorproject.org