Let’s Not Experiment on the Children

Tears. In. My. Eyes. That’ll teach me to watch CNN. Anderson “Eye Candy” Cooper’s report on “The Sissy Boy Experiment” made my heart break. Snapped right into tiny pieces.

“The Sissy Boy Experiment” was experimental therapy conducted on a five-year-old boy named “Kraig” in the 1970s at UCLA in an attempt to make him less effeminate and prevent him from growing into a gay adult. It was government-funded and considered to be a great success; even though the family says that it was disastrous, the boy grew up to be gay and, then, committed suicide, but not on his first attempt.

Catch up on the CNN coverage here: http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/06/07/sissy.boy.experiment/index.html

For more in-depth coverage of this story, Box Turtle Bulletin has a thorough examination of the impact that this “research” had on Kirk Murphy (“Kraig”) and his family. http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/

Also on CNN, Ann Coulter declined to answer Piers Morgan when he asked what she would do if she had a gay child. For me, her silence confirms that she shouldn’t have children. But, that’s just me. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/abraham/detail?entry_id=90553

God, grant me the serenity to be a better mother than Ann Coulter would be and the courage not to send my child to UCLA to be experimented on; and, wisdom, because we are different. Oh, and, watch over Anderson Cooper, too. Amen.

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What If He Never Has To Step Foot In The Closet

It’s the time of the year again.  Yes, Open House season is upon us.  Time to head to your child’s school to see things made of construction paper, stand in line to talk to his/her teacher and fake-smile at other parents.  Come on kids, it’s time to look like a normal family!

At C.J.’s Open House the walls were covered in colorful masterpieces.  One lesson was based on The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle and the accompanying craft was a construction paper caterpillar made of circles in a color-specific pattern.  Here’s what the “perfect” caterpillar looked like.

And, here’s what C.J.’s caterpillar looked like.

He said he got “fus-ter-rated” because he wanted to make the caterpillar a girl AND a boy, but he was supposed to be going in a pattern.  He also decided to ditch the antennae in favor of long hair.  C.J.’s caterpillar was hard to miss.

I’m about to go way off topic, so stay with me.  There’s something I’ve been wondering for
several weeks now.  Do you think that it is possible for a homosexual person to not have to come out of the closet.  I don’t mean stay closeted for always and ever.  I mean never even enter the closet.  For instance, I’ve asked my oldest son if he thinks anybody in his class is cute.  I’m careful how I phrase it.  I don’t ask if he thinks any of the girls are cute.  I leave it open so that he can answer honestly.  Do you think an LGBT youth could grow up and never step foot in the closet (at least with immediate family), thus making the coming out process (with the immediate family) obsolete?  Can a family be so okay with homosexuality that, say, a fifth grade boy could tell his mom very comfortably that the boy in class in a Chargers jersey and still outgrowing his baby fat (or Baby Phat, who knows) is totes amazeballs?

Please let me know what you think.  I’ve asked around and gotten very surprising answers.

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Fifteen Dollar Happiness Only Lasts So Long

At this point, C.J. isn’t exactly athletic.  He’s good with rhythm and movement and loves gymnastics.  He especially hated (or hates, depending on the day) riding his bike.  He’s more Paul Hamm than Lance Armstrong (doping or not).

Last week we were outside riding bikes with the neighbor boys.  C.J. is new to riding his bike with training wheels and just recently agreed to get on the thing without yelling “Too high!  Too scary!” in rapid succession until removed.

The four boys were enjoying the freedom of the open road when C.J. crashed (it was more of a tip, but we’ll call it a crash here for dramatic purposes).  I ran over to him and he lay, on his side in the same bike-riding position, hands on handlebars, feet on pedals.  He did not try to break his fall.  The thought, apparently, didn’t even cross his mind.

I got him and his bike to the curb as the tears stopped and he told me that he needed to lie down on the couch.  Okay, easy enough, I laid him on the couch, turned on the T.V. and went to check on his brother.  A few minutes later C.J. came out of the house with his right arm hanging lifeless at his side looking like Bob Dole.  I joked with my neighbor that for preschool the next day I would dress him in a suit and put a pen in his hand. 

An hour later we were at the hospital. And me, the wise-cracker, was being told that my son, Bob Dole Jr., had a dislocated elbow that needed to be popped back into place.  Jokes over I guess.

Three hours of specialists, x-rays and C.J. strutting his stuff around the hospital in his favorite Viking hat with long blonde braids and an unzipped hoodie (I couldn’t get his t-shirt back on him after taking it off to evaluate him at home).  We got lots of stares, as usual.  And, C.J.’s brother’s irritability was increasing.  The combination of seeing his brother in pain, waiting patiently in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end and people staring at us was more than he could take. 

As we walked to the x-ray department, C.J. thrust his hips and head from side to side excessively to get his braids in full swing.  He was wearing a hospital gown because I couldn’t get him to take it off because it was, after all, a gown.  A mom in the x-ray department waiting room nudged her two children, pointed C.J. out to them and the whole family started laughing together.  I saw red.  I looked down and C.J.’s Brother was giving them an evil look that I didn’t know he had in him.  They didn’t even notice.  We sat down. 

“Those people were pointing and laughing at C.J.,” he said as he went back to playing his Nintendo DS.  “He’s so embarrassing sometimes.”

“Today isn’t a good day for us,” I said honestly.  “But what is worse, C.J. being himself or those people being rude?”

“Both,” he mumbled without looking up. 

I was thinking about how I usually try so hard to balance the wants and feelings of my two very different children but that was hard to do with one in pain and needing some extra attention.  The x-ray technician called C.J.’s name. 

May you never have to hold your child as they pop one of his/her dislocated bones back into its socket.  They gave him an ibuprofen; I needed something stronger.  After the cute, I mean qualified, doctor got the bone(s) back into place, he needed to test the range of motion.  He grabbed a handful of superhero stickers and held them at different heights for C.J. to grab.  C.J. was not about to exert effort for a superhero sticker. 

He doesn’t like superheroes,” I said.  The doctor got up to leave the room in search of different stickers.  “Get girl stickers,” I shouted after him.

“Who’s he going to give them to?” he asked as he turned back to me, like I thought that now was a good time to collect free stickers for the girls in our life. 

“He likes girl stuff,” I said and motioned for the doctor to continue out of the room to get the stickers.

The next day I took C.J. to Target to get some meds and splinting supplies. 

“Can I get a toy?” he asked, as he does every time he gets into the red shopping cart.

I usually say no, but, hell, this time the kid deserved a toy.  After careful consideration, he selected a pink satin cheerleader uniform with silver sequins and a pink and white pom-pom.  If C.J.’s brother thought that the blonde braids and hospital gown were embarrassing, he might not want to come home from the second grade today.

If you were to ask C.J., he might say that the cheerleader uniform was worth the dislocated elbow.  He wore that uniform every minute that he was in the house for four days straight.  Then it ripped and fell apart, because 15 dollar happiness only lasts so long.  

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Two Cents, a Giveaway and Some Housekeeping

We’ve all read this story recently right?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps

Here are my two cents…

One cent:     The headline reads “Parents Keep Baby’s Gender Under Wraps,” when it should read “Parents Keep Baby’s Sex Under Wraps…And Let it Declare its Own Gender.”

Two cent:     I wouldn’t make the parenting decision that they have made. But, then again, a lot of people don’t agree with my parenting decisions (e.g. this here blog you are reading).

What are your thoughts?

Now for the winner of the first-ever Raising My Rainbow giveaway!  I instructed those who wanted to be entered to leave a comment at the end of last Thursday’s post.  I received 44 comments.  I wrote numbers one through 44 on a sheet of paper and had C.J. circle the number he liked best.   He circled the number five first (then 22 through 24, 28 and 29).  So congrats to the following commenter, I must say, by his comment, he is VERY deserving!

Greg (may 21,2001 at 6:43 p.m.) says:

If I get picked I will donate the book to the high school Library where I am a teacher. we had an incident this week where a closeted student was harassing another student about being gay. I think this book will help both of them.

Hey, are you all aware that Queerty.com is back online and Raising My Rainbow is back on Queerty?  Spread the word and check out the new Queerty.

Have you found me on “The Facebook,” as C.J.’s Dad likes to call it?  Facebook.com/RaisingMyRainbow.  I’m on the Tweet Machine too (/RaisingRainbow), but I Facebook more. Additional tidbits on raising C.J. offered there, like when he put lip
gloss in his hair and readers helped me find a solution to get it out.  BTW, acetone and rubbing alcohol good, dry shampoo bad.

Are you reading my posts regularly?  You should subscribe.  Do it at RaisingMyRainbow.com in the upper, right-hand corner.  That would make you super cool and one of C.J.’s total besties.

Finally, what country are you reading from?  If it’s not on this list let me know by posting a comment or sending me an e-mail or inviting me and my family for all-expense paid vacation to visit you and log the country personally.

  • Argentina
  • Australia
  • Bahrain
  • Brazil
  • Canada
  • Chile
  • Costa Rica
  • Denmark
  • France
  • Germany
  • Greece
  • Ireland
  • Norway
  • Pakistan
  • Scotland
  • Spain
  • Trinidad and Tobago
  • United States
  • United Kingdom
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P.S. My Son Loves You

We don’t get out much.  With our busy social schedules at home (you know, little league, gymnastics, kiddie parties, returning things to Target) and our lack of funds (hello, our primary breadwinner is a public servant), our kids aren’t exactly familiar with exotic locales.  Then, there’s Grandma and Grandpa Colorado who live in, get this, Colorado, so guess where all our summer vacations are spent.

Well, along came a super-cheap weekend getaway package to Palm Desert and we packed our bags quicker than you can say over-chlorinated public pool with rats in the palm trees.  Fairfield Inn by Marriot.  Whoop, whoop!

You may also know it, as C.J. does, as the place with two beds.  Four years of life and never slept in a hotel room with two queen size beds.  It blew his mind, really, and we had to allow a good 30 minutes for him to jump from one bed to the other and back again and again and again.  While he did that, C.J.’s brother opened and closed the pimping mini-fridge and put my half-full Vitamin Water on the top shelf, then the bottom shelf, then in the door shelf.  You’d of thought it was Christmas morning.

And, then we were off!  A short driving tour of neighboring Palm Springs and C.J. discovered a city after his own heart.

“LOOK AT THE RAINBOW FLAG!” he yelled as he hyper-ventilated.

“ANOTHER ONE!” he gasped.

“THERE’S ANOTHER ONE!” his face turning purple.

“Did you teach him that?” C.J.’s Dad asked me.

“How would I teach him that?” I replied.  “They don’t exactly let the rainbow flags fly free in the O.C.”

“I just find it weird that of all the things to see in a new city, that is what he picks up
on.  What are the chances?” he said, giving me a doubting look.

“Maybe it’s like me being drawn to and liking the Tiffany-green Tiffany & Co. box upon
first sight, without even knowing what it stood for.  Some passions you just know and feel in your soul,” I reasoned.  My husband dropped the subject, as he usually does when I mention Tiffany & Co.

In answer to your question, yes, as a matter fact, there was a continental breakfast.  C.J. enjoyed a pink breakfast of waffles with strawberries on top and strawberry yogurt.
To my boys, nothing compares to continental breakfast.  Nothing.

We ventured to the Living Desert, which was ah-mazing.  C.J.’s Dad paid for the VIP shuttle and we rode around in a golf cart while C.J. waved to other visitors like he was Kate Middleton on her wedding day.  Later that day, we took the kids to the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway.  They were so excited; C.J.’s brother for the right reasons, C.J. for the wrong
reasons.

You see, C.J. thought that we said Ariel Tramway, not Aerial Tramway.  He thought that he was going to see Ariel (a.k.a The Little Mermaid).  He looked all over for her, bless his heart, but couldn’t find her.  And, he started crying the saddest quiet tears.  What would have been more perfect than a pink breakfast, rainbow flags and The Little Mermaid?

He cheered up as the tram ascended the mountain.  Or so I’m told, since I didn’t go on the tram. You see, I don’t do well with closed spaces, heights, being at the mercy of someone else and my ears popping due to altitude.  Oh, you have your hang-ups too, so please don’t judge.  And, yes, I did consider taking a klonopin just to get myself up the damn mountain and experience it with my family, but that would have meant no margarita at Los Casuelas with dinner, so I let it be a cool “boys-only adventure.”

After dinner C.J. got the souvenir that has not left his head since our return to reality.  A fuzzy Viking hat with long blonde braids attached.  He takes the braids out, puts them in ponytails, wants braids again, flips the hair over his shoulder like Cher.

“I like my city,” C.J. said as we loaded into the car and started driving home on Sunday.

“A RAINBOW FLAG!” he yelled and pointed as we drove away from Palm Springs.

“ANOTHER ONE!” he screeched in delight, over and over again, until there were none.

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It Doesn’t Get Better than an It Gets Better Giveaway!

I’m reading the It Gets Better book and it has turned me into a rapid-cycling bipolar.  One minute I’m happy and thankful that Dan Savage and Terry Miller had the vision and dedication to make their It Gets Better Project an amazing reality.  The next minute I’m terribly sad and depressed because it shouldn’t have to get better.  It should already be better.  It shouldn’t have to get so bad that kids need to be reminded that it gets better.  I never want my son to feel hopeless.  I never want to be a mother who finds her son dead from a bullying-induced suicide.

If you are reading this and you don’t know what the It Gets Better project is, you should. Check it out at ItGetsBetter.org.

RaisingMyRainbow reader and It Gets Better contributor Patrick Murphy is a total superstar and sent me a copy of the It Gets Better book to give away to one of my readers.  To enter the giveaway, simply comment on this post.  C.J. will pick a winner next week (which should be interesting), so check back next Thursday to see if you won.

If you know of an LGBT teen or have a sneaking suspicion about a certain someone, they need this book.  Their family needs this book.  The local schools and libraries need this book.

Buy it from Penguin.com or Amazon.com.

You can donate a copy to your local school or library by clicking here.

Can’t read?  Get the audiobook here.

Can’t read OR hear?  That really sucks.  I’m sorry.

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Forget Construction, I Belong on the Stage

Here’s what I know about children’s museums.  They are crowded.  They are grimy.  They are germy.  They are overrun with children and uber-parents.  They are no place for a hangover.  Maybe it’s different where you live, but I doubt it.  Then, I happened upon Pretend City and actually enjoyed myself (except for the part where I saw a one-year-old wearing jeans more expensive than any pair I own.  True Religions in size 18 months?  Really?)

“Pretend City Children’s Museum is the first educational facility of its kind in Orange County, representing a small interconnected city.”  – Pretend City

C.J. and I entered Pretend City and were overwhelmed, so we retreated to the less-crowded Construction Site to gather ourselves.  C.J. eyed a pink hard hat and suddenly had an affinity for carpentry.  He awkwardly picked up some tools and started, um, constructing.  When a little girl entered the Construction Site a student volunteer approached C.J., took off the pink hard hat and put a yellow one in its place.  “Hey Buddy, you probably want the yellow hat anyway,” she said as she walked the pink hard hat to the little girl.  I waited to see how C.J. would handle the situation.  He followed the student helper and said, “No, I want the pink one!”  She looked at me and I nodded.   She swapped the hats again and I was proud that C.J. didn’t have a meltdown, but handled the situation and stood up for himself.  That’s my boy, wearing a pink hard hat and wondering what to do with a hammer.

From there we went to the Farm, where C.J. picked strawberries and harassed the tiny, puffy baby chicks from behind the glass.  We went to the Café, where C.J. served me pizza and called me “Mama Mia.”  We went to the Marina, but C.J. refused to fish because it was “too icky.”

We spent most of our time, by far, at the Amphitheater, which is a stage complete with costumes and instruments; a soundboard that operates lights and music; and rows and rows of seating for a captive audience.  C.J. found his home in Pretend City.

So many costumes, so little time.  Seriously. A silver flapper dress?  Oh, yeah, he rocked it for a while.  A pink princess gown?  It was his favorite.  Now, for the shoes.  Pink go-go boots?  They were fabulous, but zipped up to his crotch and were a tad bit inhibiting.  Ruby slippers?  Werk.

With his outfit assembled it was time to hit the stage.  What?  Right, an instrument.  Tambourine or maracas?  Tambourine, you know it.

He entered stage left, ready for his solo.  What?  There were other people on the stage?  C.J. rolled his eyes and then started throwing elbows to get down to center stage, where he belongs, obviously.  I tried to explain that sometimes you have to hang back and be in the chorus.  If looks could kill. 

It was a solid hour of costume changes, prop switches and Broadway-worthy performances.  From time to time he would get the stage all to himself.  Those were the happiest of times.  Every now and then an un-costumed boy would enter the stage and stare oddly at C.J.  Those were the worst of times.   And, if C.J. did happen to see a strange look cast in his direction, he would, in return, give that child a look as if to say “I’m so sorry that you’re not fabulous like me.  Really it’s a shame.”

I got looks too.  Parents smiled at the sight of C.J., up on stage, in a pink sequined princess dress with red sparkly Mary Jane’s.  Then, they searched the crowd for the adult to whom he belonged.  Some smiled with me, and I could tell that they were seeing an imaginative little boy expressing himself freely.  Others smiled at me, and I could tell they were seeing an embarrassment of a child who would, no doubt, have issues as an adult due to my horrible parenting skills.  We delight some and disturb others.  Yet another thing I learned at a children’s museum.

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Ms. Sunshine Calls C.J. a Diva

I heart C.J.’s preschool teacher, Ms. Sunshine.  She understands C.J., celebrates him, supports him and thinks he’s pretty fabulous.  As C.J. approaches the end of his first full year in preschool, Ms. Sunshine scheduled the obligatory parent-teacher conference to discuss C.J.’s progress and educational future.  In attendance?  Ms. Sunshine, two other preschool professionals, C.J.’s Dad and me.

Look what C.J. made at school! Ms. Sunshine is a Raising My Rainbow fan. Coincidence? I think not.

The best line from C.J.’s six-page evaluation? “C.J. stands up for his rights.”  We are convinced that is Ms. Sunshine’s nice way of saying that C.J. is a total diva at school, just as he is at home. When I called her on it, she smiled and said that C.J. is an angel.  Apparently, sometimes, Ms. Sunshine lies.

The best quote from the meeting?  One of the preschool pros said, “I just want to follow C.J. and know if he turns out to be a hairdresser when he grows up.  Because, every time I need his full attention and cooperation I bribe with the promise of getting to brush the hair of a princess doll that I have in class.”

I’m glad that my son stands up for his rights; he’ll need that tenacity in life.  I’m also glad he has a thing for hair; because if he does turn out to be a hairdresser, this mama is gonna save a lot of money on highlights and lowlights.

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Teeth Cleaning and Tiaras

C.J. had a dentist appointment this week, which he was not thrilled about.  The only way to get him to cooperate?  Bribes.  Candy.  Toys.  Lunch.  Shots of tequila.  Whatever it takes.  What really works best is the promise of a toy from the treasure chest at the receptionist’s desk.  Don’t ask me why.  It’s usually full of cheap trinkets that break by the time we pull into our driveway.  Not this time.

This time, the treasure chest was loaded with fancy parachuting army men and jeweled tiaras.  Obviously our dentist has begun to compete with the fancy Orange County pediatric dentist down the street who has a Wii in the lobby, the latest G-rated flicks playing on flat screens over the exam chairs and Bose headphones with pre-programmed iPods for the tweens.  Guess which toy C.J. selected?  The tiara.  You know him so well.

He lit up when he slipped on that crown and all the trauma and drama of getting his teeth cleaned faded from memory.  The receptionist who was booking our next appointment started to laugh at C.J.  It was understandable.  She looked back at her computer and tried to focus.  As her eyes returned to C.J., so did her smile. 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t concentrate with him wearing that tiara,” she giggled.

“Good thing you don’t live in our house, you’d get nothing done,” I replied with a smile.

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C.J. Gets High With Ariel

Another gift from Nana Grab Bags for Easter?  A kite.  Simple enough, right?  Well, according to C.J. it is his “best gift forever.”

Good picture, C.J.'s Mom!

More impressive than that?  C.J. has found his calling his life.  He is a kite flying wunderkind. 

As a kid, I could never get a kite to fly, the string became a knotted mess and I never, ever got liftoff.  C.J. did not get his kite flying skills from me.  Obviously.  At one point the kid was standing still and the kite was reaching high altitudes.

Every day since Easter C.J. has flown his Little Mermaid kite.  Today, at the baseball fields C.J. ran back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, with kite overhead.  Two little girls asked each other why a…read the next word with a feeling of disgust…boy was flying an Ariel kite.  Another 4-year-old boy approached C.J. expressly to inform him that he does not like Ariel. 

C.J. ignored everybody and flew his kite high.

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