C.J. had been waiting all week to watch the Golden Globes Red Carpet and share his thoughts and opinions via Facebook and Twitter. In case you missed the live action…
The kids had a bunch of days off from school recently because of holidays and the New Year and what not. I was trying to think of things to do with them when my brother suggested we meet him in Downtown L.A. for an urban hike and The Broad — the newest contemporary art museum in L.A.
The day of our adventure, we met Uncle Michael and he took C.J. and Chase on the urban hike while Matt and I waited in line to get into The Broad with Grandma Colorado (who was in town visiting and agreed to go even though she doesn’t “know anything about that kind of art”). I’m not going to lie, that line is not short. If you’re better than us at things like preparing and planning ahead, check out their website for tickets.
Uncle Michael led Chase and C.J. on a tour around the Walt Disney Concert Hall, where Chase – a possible future architect– admired the work and took lots of photos. They saw a bunch of other stuff too, but I can’t remember it all now because I was too busy standing in line at the time.
As soon as we entered the doors of The Broad we were instantly mesmerized by the cave-like interior and stack of massive white dinner plates that was taller than any of us. It was well worth the two-hour wait.
We went upstairs and saw Tulips by Jeff Koons. They look like a giant bouquet of tulips made out of balloons. (I’m horrible at describing art. I’m sorry. Forgive me, Mr. Koons; my sons love you.)
C.J. made me take a picture of the sculpture from every angle and asked if he could have it for his room. I said no and crushed his dreams.
When we entered the next room, C.J. lost his breath. There before him was an honest to goodness Andy Warhol work of art. It was Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup Can (Clam Chowder – Manhattan Style). It looks like a painting of a soup can. (Maybe I’m not so bad at describing art after all.)
C.J. is obsessed with Andy Warhol. Things C.J. wants to be when he grows up in order of preference: Andy Warhol, an artist, a makeup artist.
He made me take forty-eleven pictures of him in front of the soup can and all the other Warhols.
Then, C.J. made me take a picture of Tips for Artists Who Want to Sell by John Baldessari because, after all, C.J. is an artist and wants to sell. (His New Year’s resolution is to become a working artist who gets paid. When I said maybe his resolution should be to memorize his multiplication tables he rolled his eyes.)
C.J. was also super excited to see originals by another of his favorite artists, Keith Haring. He noticed that Haring’s works had “lots of boobs and private parts” in them and assured me that he’s not going to draw or paint private parts until he’s a little older. Like maybe fifth grade.
As we walked through one room, C.J. nonchalantly (and embarrassingly) pointed to three paintings by one artist and said, “I could paint that. I could paint that. I could paint that.”
“Yeah. But you didn’t,” Uncle Michael said to him before I could think of what to say. Sometimes Uncle Michael is better at dealing with C.J.’s sassiness than I am. (Because Uncle Michael can be just as sassy.)
C.J. believed that Andy Warhol’s works would be his favorites in The Broad, until he arrived in Takashi Murakami’s room.
“O.M.G. Take a picture of EVERYTHING!” he said. I did as I was instructed and filled up my entire camera roll.
“I’m going to have my art in that museum someday,” C.J. said as we left. I told him that that would be awesome.
“I’m going to have my birthday party at The Broad,” he said. I told him that wasn’t true.
He’s been creating more art than ever since that day. He’s been mixing and naming his own paint colors. He adds baby powder to some paint to give it texture and smell. (Is that a brilliant idea or a horrible idea? I have no idea.) And he painted a Campbell’s Tomato Soup Can for Uncle Michael as a reminder of that special day.
***C.J. plans on live-tweeting/facebooking his thoughts on the red carpet looks of the 2016 Golden Globes (this Sunday). Tune in. I apologize in advance for what may come out of his mouth. #CJsays
A life-size stuffed animal giraffe (Yes, he still wants this. No, he’s not getting it.)
The American Girl Doll Bitty Baby with red hair and green eyes to match his (He might be getting this.)
A full size, real life arcade claw machine filled with prizes (He says he’s checked around and it’s only $150 installed. I do not believe him. I do not know who he checked with.)
A crop top (We’ve explained countless times that crop tops are allowed if worn over a long layering tank. He is not thrilled with layering in this instance.)
Jeggings with lots of rips in them (I couldn’t find his size all ripped up. He’ll have to settle for a deconstructed wash.)
Gogo boots (Because of course.)
Ballet flats with sparkles and jewels. NOT BORING ONES! (I hope the ones I got are FLASHY enough for him.)
30th Anniversary Strawberry Shortcake (“I like everything ‘old school’.” – C.J.)
A remote control car that his Monster High dolls can ride in (I hope the Monster High kids will ride in a Bratz make and model because that’s all I could find that fit the bill.)
A hover board (No.)
Magnetic earrings (Yes.)
A real or toy white-on-white Range Rover (No.)
Shopkins (Yes.)
A porcupine (No.)
The latest iPhone in rose gold (No.)
A trip to Hawaii (No.)
Whatever you wished for this holiday season, I hope you get it. If the holidays aren’t a happy time for you, hang in there. Let’s all meet up again in 2016!
xoxo,
Lori
When you’re in middle school, there’s nothing better than a good sleepover – and there’s nothing worse than your pesky, gender nonconforming little brother annoying you during a sleepover.
Chase tries to plan a “Movie Night Sleepover” once every month or two. Last week, the event included two of his best buddies, a soak in the spa, pizza, a viewing of the movie Elf and video games.
When we first discovered that C.J. was gender nonconforming, we’d hide all of the “girl stuff” in our house when Chase had a friend over. A year or two later we refused to hide the “girl stuff” because of what that was teaching our boys, so we would ask Chase if his friends who were coming over knew that C.J. was gender nonconforming – giving Chase the option of telling them beforehand. Now, we don’t bother with any of that. We just answer questions as they come from new guests in our house – surprisingly, few have any questions.
The evening of Chase’s sleepover, his two friends arrived and changed into their trunks to head for the spa. They were putting their clothes in their backpacks and grabbing their towels when C.J. ran down the stairs wearing his favorite swimsuit – the one covered in rainbows and kittens — yelling “Boys! Here I come! I’m ready!”
Chase’s friends chuckled and Chase looked at me annoyed and worried that I’d let C.J. join them in the spa – where C.J. likes to wear his huge pink snorkel goggles and play with his Little Mermaid doll.
When I informed C.J. that he wasn’t going in the spa, but was going with me to pick up the pizzas instead, he was not thrilled.
After they ate a massive amount of pizza, Chase and his friends changed into their loungewear to settle in and watch (talk loudly through) the movie. C.J. promptly ran upstairs and threw on the white, faux-minx robe that he inherited from Nana — which he likes to put on at night after his warm bath and after applying his leave-in conditioner and throwing his hair up in a French twist.
C.J. came flowing into the room like an old-timey movie star in his robe carrying his monster high pillow. He was ready to claim his space on the couch and enjoy his favorite mango green tea in his Frozen cup.
Chase’s friends gave the same chuckle and Chase gave the same annoyed looked.
“C.J., you aren’t going to watch the movie with the guys,” I said as they all stared.
“Why? It’s not inappropriate for me! I’ve already seen it!” he declared dramatically.
Lucky for me (and Chase) I had just purchased Disney’s Inside Out as a surprise for C.J. to watch while we snuggled and ate popcorn in my bed upstairs.
After the movie, Chase and his friends retreated to his room to play video games for a bit. Lots of yelling, banging around and falling ensued behind Chase’s closed door. Apparently that’s how middle school boys play video games.
C.J. kept sneaking to Chase’s door and I caught him writing notes on his favorite fluorescent pink notepad and pushing them under the door. I could only imagine what he was writing.
I told him to stop annoying Chase and his friends and knocked on Chase’s door to retrieve the notes. Even my imagination couldn’t have dreamed up the messages C.J. felt instinctively compelled to send to middle school boys to coax them into interacting with him.
Adele lyrics.
“What did your friends think of C.J.’s rainbow kitty swimsuit, fancy bathrobe and Adele lyrics last night?” I asked Chase the next day.
“Nothing. They have annoying little brothers and sisters, too,” Chase said. And that made me happy. C.J. wasn’t annoying because his gender expression is embarrassing to Chase. He’s annoying because all younger siblings are annoying to their older siblings.
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We’ve been Upworthy-ed! Check it out here and share!
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WordPress.com recently interviewed me about blogging and how my book deal came about. Read the interview here.
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“Do you have anything for me to do?” C.J. asked me in a moment of boredom.
He knows that if he complains that he’s bored I’ll tell him that only boring people can be bored and he’d rather be a lot of things than a boring person.
So, in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, I had him make a list of the things he is thankful for from A to Z. He included some things that Chase should be thankful for and failed to mention that he was thankful for his mom or dad — proving that parenting is a thankless job.
Things I Am Thankful For
By: C.J., age 8
I am thankful for:
Art and Andy Warhol
Baby smells (but not bees)
Cupcakes and Colorado
Doctors and dolls
Electricity
Flowers (the video game Fallout 4 for Chase)
Gogo boots and gummy bears
Home (the song Hotline Bling for Chase)
iPhones, because I want one
Jeggings
Knock knock jokes
Late nights
Mashed potatoes and makeup and me
Night-lights
Oranges
Pinocchio and puzzles
Queens (like the Queen of England but I like Princess Kate better)
Rainbow Brite
Sunsets and smiles
Typing sounds mom makes on her computer and trampolines
Unicorns
Velvet
Wishes and water and wigs
Texting, because it has an x in it
The letter y (It’s cute and I can’t think of anything else)
Zebra print
I feel like I don’t always do a perfect job of explaining what it feels like to raise a gender nonconforming child (even though I’m usually pretty good with words).
I recently ran across Emily Perl Kingsley’s essay titled “Welcome to Holland” and it describes my parenting experience perfectly. I am not raising a child with a disability (like Kingsley is/was), but my child does have unique needs and his life — our life — looks much different than what I envisioned when the ultrasound technician told me that he was boy. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it took me some time to adjust.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
Halloween is a time when Matt and I are reminded of how much we’ve evolved as parents. From three-year-old C.J. wanting to be Snow White and us convincing him to be a skeleton to now – when I steam his dress and watch in awe as he applies makeup using skills he’s acquired watching countless tutorials on YouTube.
Our boy is growing and maturing. The past few months he’s been drawn to mid-century design, vintage pinup fashion and 1950’s culture. So, when he saw a 1950’s car hop girl costume, his annual costume hunt quickly came to an end. Of course, because C.J. has to use his creativity and love for all things creepy and quirky whenever he can, his waitress has a backstory. She was murdered with a pair of pink fuzzy dice while delivering an order. Cue the excuse posthumous makeup.
Today, Yahoo! Parenting is running a slideshow of C.J.’s Halloween costumes over the years with my commentary about our evolution as parents of a differently gendered child. Check it out! (And, never, ever read the comments.)
This afternoon was very special and one I’ll never forget. At the 2015 PFLAG National Convention Awards Luncheon, I enjoyed lunch with my husband Matt, PFLAG Executive Director Jody Huckaby, Caitlyn Jenner’s sister Pam Mettler, Betty DeGeneres and others. Then, I was awarded the PFLAG Flag Bearer Award.
The PFLAG Flag Bearer Award honors outstanding LGBTQ advocacy outside of the PFLAG framework and acknowledges the recipient’s accomplishments and lasting contributions to the safety and/or equality of our LGBTQ children, family and friends.
Following is my acceptance speech. I hope you’ll read it and understand how important PFLAG is to me and how thankful I am to be the 2015 PFLAG Flag Bearer.
Days after my brother came out 23 years ago, my aunt sent my mom a packet of literature from an organization called PFLAG. On top of the photocopies was a note that read, “When you are ready, I think you should check out PFLAG.”
My mom wasn’t ready, so I went by myself. And I fell in love with PFLAG, because at that time, they were the only group of people to tell me that there was nothing wrong with having a gay brother.
Five years ago when my youngest son started showing signs of being transgender or gender nonconforming, I knew where I needed to go to feel love, acceptance and support. I went back to PFLAG.
PFLAG is the most supportive support group I’ve ever seen; it’s good for my soul; it’s what church should feel like.
On my blog, in my book and when I speak, I tell friends, families, allies and members of the LGBTQ community, if you don’t know where to go, go to PFLAG.
PFLAG also taught me that one mom can make a difference. I used to say “I’m just a mom.” After learning about PFLAG founder Jeanne Manford, I started leaving off the just. I’m not just a mom. I’m a mom. And as Jeanne showed us being a mom is a very powerful thing. Moms can be fierce advocates and world changers.
Thank you PFLAG, I value this recognition more than you will ever know. And thank you to my amazing husband Matt I couldn’t have a better partner in life or on this unique parenting journey. You prove that dads are pretty cool too.
Parents often ask me how they can tell if their child is transgender versus gender nonconforming and if they should be transitioning him/her.
Before I reply, I always clarify that I’m not a certified expert on gender or when to or not to support/encourage/allow a child to transition. I’m merely self-taught and have personal experience.
The only thing I’m an expert on is my child — and most days he does a thing or two that makes me question even that.
When people ask me about the state of their child’s gender identity, I reply with a question.
“What does your mom gut tell you?” (Or dad gut or primary caregiver gut, I don’t discriminate when it comes to questions of the gut.)
There’s trusting your gut and the there’s trusting your mom gut. My mom gut feels stronger and is correct more often than my regular gut. Like it is more accurate because it’s an invisible nerve that is tethered to my child and feels and knows things about him that no other person could feel or know.
My mom gut says my child is not transgender and not currently in need of transition.
I’ve considered very, very seriously at least three times during his life that C.J. is transgender (and I’ve mildly contemplated it during fleeting moments on hundreds of days).
The first time was when he was four and for a few months was pretty adamant that he was going to be a woman when he grew up.
The second time was when he was six and asked us to call him by a girl’s name and use female pronouns.
The third time was not so long ago when he watched one of his friends transition socially from male to female and said that maybe he should transition too.
Over the last four years, some professionals have told us that C.J. is transgender and that we should help him transition socially.
But, we never have. Because my mom gut said it wasn’t the right decision. I’m glad I didn’t. Sometimes transitioning is the answer and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes there is no answer. And, sometimes you just keep on living in the middle of the gender spectrum because that is where your child is most happy and healthy.
My son no longer wants to be a woman when he grows up, like he did when he was four. He didn’t feel comfortable during those days when he was six and we called him Rebecca and used female pronouns. And, after watching his friend transition he declared that he couldn’t imagine being a girl every day.
So, he continues to identify as gender nonconforming; just as he has since he was old enough to identify as anything and despite how much I’d rather him use the term gender creative (I’m a sucker for positive connotations).
His gender isn’t up to me. It’s up to him.
On this unique parenting journey, I believe that:
Then you should go with your gut.
If you can’t quite tell what your gut thinks, but your child is happy, healthy and thriving, give it some time.
If your child is consistently insistent that their sex and gender don’t match up or shows signs of distress (like depression, anxiety, behavior issues, self harm, self mutilation, etc.) seek out help from professionals. I’d start with a gender therapist.
Eight years into parenting a differently gendered child, have I totally and completely ruled out that my child is transgender? Absolutely not. C.J. has taught me to get comfortable living in uncertainty. More importantly, he’s taught me that you should feel confident listening and trusting your mom gut (dad gut/primary caregiver gut), so long as your heart is in the right place.
Here’s where I’ll be this fall. I’d love to meet you!
Cal State Fullerton: Thinking Queer Series
Thursday, September 24, 7 p.m.
Fullerton, California
The Cal State Fullerton LGBTQ Resource Center welcomes students, staff and the local community to the first installment of its 2015-16 “Thinking Queer” series featuring Lori Duron, author of Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son. The event will be held in the Titan Student Union Gabrielino. Click here for the details.
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OCEC School Compliance Taskforce: Evening With Authors
Thursday, October 22, 7 p.m.
Irvine, California
You’re invited to the Third Annual Equality in Education Awards event hosted by the Orange County Equality Coalition’s School Compliance Taskforce. This year’s event is an Evening With Authors and will feature readings from:
Tickets start at $10 and include a gourmet coffee bar, wine and cheese.
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2015 PFLAG National Convention: We Are The Change
October 16-18
Nashville, TN
I’ve never been to Nashville, y’all! What better time to pay the city a visit than for the PFLAG National Convention? Will you be there? What should I do while I’m in town?
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And the winner is….
The winner of last week’s Pink Truck Designs giveaway is none other than Thomas, a third grader from Orlando who sounds very much like C.J.
Thomas, have your adult email your email address and postal address to RaisingMyRainbow@gmail.com so that we can coordinate getting the prize to you. Thanks to all who entered and to Pink Truck Designs for the awesome shirts!
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Raising My Rainbow 