Agoraphobic Homophobic Catholic Mom

Posted on September 15, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

Dear Stacy Trasancos (author of the gross blog post titled “Can’t Even Go To The Park”),

Like you, I am a mom.  Like you, I believe in God.  And, like you, sometimes I am afraid to leave the house because I fear who I might run into.  In particular, I’m afraid of running into people like you. 

I’m afraid of the damage people like you could do to my sweet child, who has pink socks peaking out the top of his bedazzled sneakers and is, most often, carrying a Disney Princess in one hand and a purple handbag full of sass in the other.  And — get ready for this — sometimes we have Uncle Uncle and his boyfriend in tow.  Oh, girl, you better run home!

We’re your worst nightmare; a brigade of gays and an effeminate boy who doesn’t fall neatly and “traditionally” on the gender spectrum.  Run, girl, run!  Back to your house!  Shut your door!  Pray!

People like you cast looks of judgment that are fierce (and not in a good way).  You break people’s spirits in the name of the Lord, when really that is not at all what God was/is about.  God was/is about love and kindness, not fear and hatred.  Maybe he’s using this as a lesson for you, a way to soften your heart to your fellow human.  A way of telling you that real judgment is his, not yours, to own.  Maybe he’s telling you to move (but, not to Orange County, thanks).

You becoming agoraphobic isn’t doing anything positive for your kids.  It’s making the world small and scary to them.  You may not be ready to have a talk with your kids about gender and sexuality, but it would be age-appropriate to show them, with words and actions, what it means to love others as you love yourself. 

Words like yours aren’t helping the way society views your religion.  Spewing hatred, and using your religion to justify it, does not make you a good catholic or a good person.

Honey, you aren’t holier than any of us.  You’re a sinner just like us; we’re all the same that way.  If one of your seven children ever comes out, send him/her to my house for a love you can’t give them.  They’ll have so much fun! We’ll even leave the house!

Bless You, C.J.’s Mom

* * *

I’m super proud to be named one of Ignite Social Media’s “100 Women Bloggers You Should Be Reading.”  I can’t wait to check out all of the other bloggers on the list. (I know Stacy Trasancos didn’t make the list.)

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C.J. Goes to Summer Camp

Posted on September 6, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

It’s still summer break here and I signed C.J. up for a special morning camp at the gym where he takes gymnastics.  By the way, he has officially been promoted from a Tumblebee to a Kinderroo, so you might want to get your tickets now for the 2024 Summer Olympics.  Consider yourself warned.

We arrived bright and early: C.J., C.J.’s Brother, Uncle Uncle’s boyfriend and me.  We signed in and I asked the sweet little innocent camp counselor what was on the agenda for the day.

“Okay.  Well.  We have free play from 9 to 9:15 a.m., stretching from 9:15 to 9:30 a.m., then we put the kids in groups based on their age and gender,” she seemed so happy to be able to answer my questions so thoroughly.

Uncle Uncle’s boyfriend looked at me and I was glad that he got the chance to see what I to deal with on a constant basis. 

“What do the different gender groups do?” I asked.

“Well, the girls do gymnastics, cheerleading and dance and the boys do soccer, rock climbing and go on the big trampolines,” again she was so proud to be capable at her job. 

“My son might want to go with the girls,” I said.

She hadn’t been instructed what to do in this situation.  Deer in headlights.  I scooped up C.J.

“C.J., do you want to do gymnastics, cheerleading and dance or soccer, rock climbing and trampolines?,” I asked.

“Trampolines!,” C.J. replied excitedly, already bouncing.

“It looks like he’ll go with that group, then,” I told the camp counselor, refusing to call it the boy group.

“Alrighty,” she said looking relieved.  You and me both, sister.

My son wanted to go in the boy group.  (Actually he really just wanted to bounce on the trampolines, but I’ll take it.)  I walked out of the gym feeling a little different.  My son chose to go with the boys and do “boy” things.  I’d have to get used to the idea. 

“Why do they have to break them up by gender?  I bet there are five girls in there who want to climb that rock wall.  Hell, I wanted to climb the rock wall,” Uncle Uncle’s boyfriend said as we walked to the car. 

“As a child, I would have much rather climbed the rock wall and bounced on the trampoline than do a cheer and dance routine,” I said, wishing that they would break the kids into groups not by gender, but by activity preference.  But what did I care that day…my boy wanted to be in the boy group.

And, the next day he wanted to be a cheerleader.

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The Endless Summer, Seriously

Posted on September 1, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

The kids are still on summer vacay and life will be hectic during the next two weeks as we transition back into the world of academia, so forgive me if the next few blog posts are lackluster.

C.J.’s Brother starts third grade next week and pre-K starts the following week.  I talk with C.J.’s new teacher about his gender creativeness at the end of next week.  Wish me luck and think good thoughts!

Have you heard the news…

Yesterday, ABC’s Nightline did a really interesting special on transgender kids and their families.  Read more here.

On Wednesday, The Santa Barbara Independent ran a story titled “What If My Kid’s Gay.”  It’s alright.  Read it here.

Since Chaz Bono was announced as one of the contestants on the new season of Dancing With The Stars, some people have been super pissed and suggested that either he shouldn’t be allowed to participate because he is transgender or they question whether he should compete as a male or female.  What’s being transgender got to do with it?  C.J.’s family will be watching and cheering Chaz on along with Cher, who should totes call us if she wants to come to our viewing party.   Read more here.

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Some Facts I Found….

Posted on August 25, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

During my research of The Fraternal Birth Order Effect, I came across the following “facts” that I found to be interesting. Thought I’d share. Muah!

“The fraternal birth order effect is limited to younger boys who are right-handed. In other words, if a younger boy has many older brothers but is left-handed, he does not have an elevated chance of being gay…The right-handed exception to the fraternal birth order effect was particularly surprising because other research had previously uncovered another puzzler: Both men and women who are left-handed are slightly more likely to be gay.” (source: San Francisco Chronicle)

“With regard to sexual orientation, the most likely outcome of childhood gender identity disorder is homosexuality or bisexuality.” (source: Wikipedia)

“Prenatal exposure to nicotine, amphetamine, or thyroid-gland hormones increases the chances of giving birth to lesbian daughters.” (source: Wikipedia)

“Stress in pregnancy makes birth of a gay son likelier.” (source: Wikipedia)

“Curiously, gay men also have fingerprint patterns rather like those of heterosexual women. Most people have more fingerprint ridges on their right hand. Jeff Hall and Doreen Kimura (1994) observed that this right-versus-left difference is less true of females and gay males than of heterosexual males–a difference that these researchers believe is due to prenatal hormones.” (source: Soulforce)

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The Fraternal Birth Order Effect

Posted on August 22, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

The Fraternal Birth Order Effect.  It sounds super serious.  Like a group out of The Da Vinci Code, a fraternity at Harvard or a secret club of the uber-rich and houtie toutie.  I feel like there are secret handshakes involved, aged scotch in snifters, dark wood paneling and signet rings.  Men in ascots for sure.

A reader tipped me off to the Fraternal Birth Order Effect some time ago, but the name seemed daunting and, frankly, I’ve been too tired for research and the new season of Project Runway is in full swing.

But, on Friday night, while my husband was at work, in the quietness of the house after the boys’ bedtime, I could hear Google calling.  I stayed awake until midnight (that’s 3 a.m. in Mom Time) reading everything that I could about the Fraternal Birth Order Effect. 

The Fraternal Birth Order Effect is proven to mean that for each older brother that a physical male has his chances of being homosexual increase by approximately 33 percent.  According to several studies, the Fraternal Birth Order Effect is the strongest known predictor of sexual orientation.  The same is not true for females.  Have lots of older sisters?  It doesn’t increase your chances of being a lesbian.  Sorry, this predictor of sexual orientation is for boys only.

The Fraternal Birth Order Effect holds true for boys born from the same mother but not raised together.  It does not hold true for boys adopted into the same family.  Therefore, it has an “in-utero environmental causation.”  Which is a big fancy way to say it happens during pregnancy.

After my Google fit, I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the boys I know who have multiple older brothers.  I was counting little gay brothers to go to sleep.  I thought of those shirts they sell that say “I’m the Big Brother” and “I’m the Little Brother.”  The last-born son should have a shirt that reads “I Have the Highest Chance of Being the Gay Brother.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about families with lots of boys.  The Beckhams.  The Jonas Brothers.  The Kennedys.  The Marx Brothers.  The Duggars.  Oh no, not one of the 10 Duggar boys…

It is hypothesized (look at me using big words!) that the Fraternal Birth Order Effect has “something to do with changes induced in the mother’s body when gestating a boy that affects subsequent sons. ” (source: Wikipedia)

“The theory suggests that mothers during childbirth may develop antibodies to proteins made by their firstborn son’s Y chromosome, and subsequent pregnancies may stir up those antibodies in an immune reaction that affects the development of a male fetus.” (source: San Francisco Chronicle)

In the next decade or so, C.J. may need a shirt that reads “I Was the Last Son in My Mom’s Uterus and All I Got Was This Stupid Sexuality.”  C.J.’s Brother may very well have stolen the heterosexuality right out of my womb.

Maybe heterosexuality proved no match for the kick ass antibodies my body created in response to carrying my first son.  My antibodies should have capes and masks and patent leather, knee-high stiletto boots.

I was proud of my antibodies for a minute, thinking that they were superheroes.  Then, I thought, what if science learns to alter those antibodies so they decrease the likelihood of the Fraternal Birth Order Effect? Could women and doctors start messing with hormone injections during pregnancy to prevent homosexuality?

Maybe, one day, when I have the courage and energy, I’ll try giving that a Google.

* * *

Are you a gay male?  What is your birth order?  What does your sibling lineup look like?

Are you raising a gay male or gender nonconforming son?  What is their birth order?  What does their sibling lineup look like?

C.J. is gender nonconforming, the second of two sons.

 

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C.J.’s Fall 2011 Collection

Posted on August 18, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

The women in my family can sew. For generations they have made their own clothes, quilts, costumes, pillows, tissue box covers, curtains, prom dresses, you name it. The talent was also passed on to my brother, Uncle Uncle, who once even sewed a bra — using no pattern — and filled it with pounds of bird seed to simulate the heft and sag of real breasts. Yes, my brother has mad sewing skills and heaving breasts, and I have neither.

I have never been so thankful for Uncle Uncle’s way with a sewing machine until he arrived at our house in the nick of time this weekend.

Nana Grab Bags had just bought C.J. this washcloth.
During the course of bathing with it he was struck by inspiration. He wanted it on a shirt.

“You mean you want a Tiana shirt?,” I asked.

“No, I want this Tiana on a shirt,” he replied, like he was speaking to a complete imbecile.

“You want that washcloth on a shirt?”

“Yeeeeaaaaaaahhh,” he said as his head weaved from left to right and right to left with massive amounts of attitude.

“I don’t know if we have a shirt….”

“I know which one!,” he dashed off and returned with this shirt of his father’s, which C.J. says is “soft and wiggly,” but not “nice.”
I got my sewing machine out and stalled. And stalled. And stalled. And, then, Uncle Uncle arrived.

After a serious talk about C.J.’s design concept and a purple marker was used for added allure, the first piece of C.J.’s Fall 2011 collection was complete.
Thank you Uncle Uncle for understanding and supporting C.J. when the rest of us are a little slow.

* * *

In Monday’s post (Which Way to Pre-K?) I asked if you thought that I should explain to C.J.’s new Pre-K teacher that he is gender nonconforming or let her figure it out on her. Pretty much everybody thought that I should give her a heads up. That’s what my gut was telling me, too. I’ll have to let you know how that goes. Thanks for all of your comments and e-mails!

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Love Them for Who They Are

Posted on August 11, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

We like to rock out in the car.  I have been known to dance in the driver’s seat and sing so loud and with such a flair for the dramatic that C.J.’s brother once told me, “Mom, sometimes you embarrass me even when nobody is around.” 

And, here I thought I was a “cool” mom. That I might even be promoted to M.I.L.F status when the kids are old enough to know what the “F” in M.I.L.F stands for.  After all, it’s secretly — and sometimes not so secretly — what most Orange County moms aspire to.

So, C.J.’s Dad got us Sirus Radio when we got a new car and stopped living the mini-van dream.  Kids Place Live is my channel of choice when the kidlets are passengers; it’s Cosmo Radio when I’m riding solo.

And, our favorite song on Kids Place Live is Brady Rymer’s “Love Me For Who I Am.”  The main line in the song?  The main take-away?  “Please don’t try to fix me, love me for who I am.”  Sing it Brady!  It reminds me so much of C.J. 

The song was inspired by differently-abled kids, but could be an anthem for any kid who is different.  NPR says that Brady Rymer and his rootsy, funky rock ‘n’ roll band “might just be the best-sounding band in children’s music.”  C.J. agrees and gives Brady Rymer two little thumbs up…actually he puts his two index fingers up and thinks he’s giving the thumbs up sign, but you get the drift.  Enjoy the lyrics!

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They Know, Though They Don’t Understand

Posted on August 8, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

C.J.’s Dad and me: So, when we get home from Colorado we have to unpack, pack, drop the boys off with Pa and Grandma Grab Bags and, then, we are headed to San Diego.

Grandma and Grandpa Colorado: What are you going to San Diego for?

Me: Well, we are going to a conference for bloggers, because I started a blog about raising C.J.

Them: What’s a blog?

Me: It’s like a journal online that other people can read.

Them: We’re not on Facebook.

Me: It’s not Facebook.  It’s like a website where I can write whatever I want.

Them: On the interweb?

Me: Yes, the internet.

Them: Are we blocked from seeing it, like Facebook?

Me: No it’s not blocked, you can see it.

Them: We don’t really go on the internet and we definitely don’t do Facebook.

If this is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

The subject changes seamlessly to talk of the weather, cinnamon bears being more aggressive than black bears and the neighbor up the street who loved his hunting dog more than his wife.

Grandma Colorado: You know, our good friends told us that you were writing inappropriate articles about C.J. online.  This must be what they were talking about.

My heart sinks into my stomach, which drops to my knees, which start to shake.  My face flushes as I feel anger and sadness.

Everyday people disagree with my choice to chronicle my adventures in raising C.J. and my skin has grown thick.  But, when the criticism comes from closer to home the pain is fresh.

Me: Not everybody agrees with my decisions initially, but if they really take the time to read my writings, they usually change their mind.  You know, I actually kind of have a lot of people reading my blog and I feel like I’m doing something important.

Grandma Colorado: Well, I don’t know.  I don’t go on Facebook.  All I know is we’re going to love C.J. no matter what.

Me: Well, that’s all that matters.

Silent minutes absorb the evening.

Grandma Colorado: I just can’t believe that C.J.’s Dad is so forgiving of C.J.

Me: What do you mean?

Grandma Colorado: I can’t believe that C.J.’s Dad is so forgiving of C.J… and you, I guess.  Because your brother is gay and C.J. is the way he is.

Me: Do you mean forgiving or accepting?

Grandma Colorado: Accepting, I guess.

I say nothing, because if I open my mouth I’m not sure what will fly out.  I’m not, by nature, an insecure person.  But, in that moment my mother-in-law, bless her speak-before-you-think heart, hit on one of my biggest insecurities: that C.J. being gender nonconforming, effeminate and possibly gay is my fault. That I should be thankful that my husband is a big enough man to not hold C.J.’s gender creativeness and possible future sexual orientation against me.

Me: Well, that just means that you did something right.

Later, I talk to my mom about it on the phone.

Nana Grab Bags: Well, if someone has to be blamed then the blame goes on me because I had Uncle Uncle.

She laughs and I try to, too.  If fault has to be found, then we are your girls.

Later, Grandpa Colorado sneaks up behind me while I’m on his computer.

Grandpa Colorado: Can you add your blog to my “favorites” tab?

Me: Sure

Nothing more was said, or has been said.

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BlogHer Bound Baby!

Posted on August 4, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

I seriously have no time for a blog post tonight, ya’ll are just gonna have to forgive me.  Why, you may ask?  Because I’m BlogHer bound baby!  San Diego here I come.

BlogHer is the biggest and bestest conference for female bloggers in the world.  And, tomorrow night, I’ll be recognized as one of 2011’s Voices of the Year.  If you really MUST read something between now and my next post on Monday, click here and read the celebrated posts written by the other fabulous honorees. 

I’m off to get myself packed and C.J. and his Brother over to Nana Grab Bags’ house for a weekend of crafts and candy and ignored bedtimes.  Three days with 3,000 women bloggers and only 10 drinks tickets.  This should be interesting…
BlogHer '11 Voice of the Year Honoree    

 

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And, the Handsome in Pink Winner is……

Posted on July 29, 2011 by raisingmyrainbow

Last week I announced a giveaway from Handsome In Pink. Thanks to everybody who checked out the Handsome In Pink website and entered to win! The super lucky winner is commenter #54, Jesse R.! Congrats, Jesse, C.J. picked your name out of his purple velevet handbag and then got upset because he thought he had to give you his Handsome In Pink shirt. Once he learned that you won your own Handsome In Pink shirt, and not his, he was happy for you.

In my last post I mentioned that we hadn’t seen a rainbow in Colorado. That all changed on Wednesday, much to C.J.’s delight.

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