I love to get e-mails sharing stories like this….
My youngest son said that this was for girls. I used to say “uh-huh.” But, you have inspired me to tell him that, “it’s not JUST for girls…If you wanted this, I’d get it for you.” My son then said, “Well, it’s not for me.” — T
Raising My Rainbow has inspired some little change in one family? Well then, it has served its purpose. Let’s make this world a better place for our kids, no matter their orientation.
C.J. doesn’t want a Tonka Garage Truck, he wants a My Little Pony.
C.J. doesn’t want a Hot Wheels Battle Force 5 Fused car, he wants a Barbie: A Fairy Secret doll.
C.J. doesn’t want a Young Justice action figure, he wants a Littlest Pet Shop pet.
What C.J. wants totally confuses McDonald’s.
January 21: We walk into McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal.
“For a boy, right?,” the cashier asks looking at C.J.
“It’s for a boy, but we would like the girl toy,” I explain, as I have to on most trips to C.J.’s favorite dining establishment.
C.J. always looks back and forth between me and the cashier with eyes that tell me that he is fearful his request for a girl toy might be rejected because he is – obviously — a boy. He isn’t concerned with what the cashier thinks; he just wants – like every four year old – to get what he wants. He breathes a sigh of relief when his wish is granted. An anxiety attack and tears are averted.
You can't blame C.J. I mean, which toy would you rather have?
February 22:
We walk into McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal.
“Would you like a boy toy or girl toy?” the manager asks before seeing C.J. and saying “Oh, sorry, you want a boy toy.”
“No, no, we want the girl toy,” I said, pretending to be really pleasant.
“Oh, I just thought that since he’s a….”
“Yes, but we’ll take the girl toy,” I say loudly and firmly with a saccharin smile that says “give me the damn girl toy and don’t cause a scene.”
(Awkward moment goes here.)
Again, the choice is so obvious.
March 7: We drive up to McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal.
“For a boy or a girl?” the bored voice mumbles out of the metal drive-through box.
“It’s for a girl,” C.J.’s Dad says, upset that gender identity issues are now being served with his Big Mac.
As wonderful as C.J.’s Dad is about raising a slightly effeminate, fabulous son, it does bother him to call him a girl.
I told him that he didn’t have to refer to C.J. as a girl, he could have selected his words differently and suddenly we are Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson. C.J.’s Dad’s face turns red and he grips the steering wheel a little tighter. I start to giggle.
We aren’t the only family dealing with such McProblems.
The very next day, my college friend C posted this on her Facebook:
“I don’t like that when ordering a Happy Meal I’m asked if it is for a boy or a girl, when the question should actually be “do you want a car or a Barbie?”
Amen sister!
A handful of other moms agreed on C’s Facebook page. C’s little guy isn’t slightly effeminate, like C.J., but she explains that “other than the obvious obnoxiousness of the gender stereotyping going on, sometimes the “opposite gender” toy is the better choice for my son. He knows what a stuffed bear is, not so much a Bakugan whosie-whatsit. “
C.J.’s Brother noticed that there is a Happy Meal website with fun games and activities. We pull up the site and start to register to play. McDonald’s, again, wants to know if we are a boy or a girl. I can’t explain to the computer that we have one boy who likes to play with boy toys and one boy who likes to play with girl toys. We log off.
If McDonald’s keeps this up, I’ll have to make lunch more often. Tears.
When I was setting ground rules for this blog (yes, hello, there are ground rules), I decided to leave religion out of it. It’s getting increasingly hard to follow that rule because of my own struggles and because about 50 percent of the e-mails that I receive mention religion and/or God in some way. I’ve started to write a blog post about religion and may publish it in the coming weeks.
Last week the following e-mail thudded into my inbox. What’s your reaction to it? What are your thoughts on homosexuality and religion?
“CJ’ s mom If your child wanted to kill your pets would you be so happy about it? Or if your child got really happy trying to jump off a ladder or wanted to drive your car would you allow him to do this?
For God sakes you so called mothers what the hell have you been brought up on. This is your child yet you have given up on them without even trying. This is so wrong. If you do not believe in the Bible then I guess there’s nothing to talk about but if you do, believe for your child because this is not what God intended for him. There a way too many scriptures that say this is wrong but it will be you who will have to stand before God about this. If the Bible said that being gay was okay, then I would be okay with it too but woman this is just wrong and I truly believe one day you will regret this mistake.”
“Monica” is the charming woman who sent me this message. When I tried to reply…..wouldn’t you know she gave a fake e-mail address? What do you think of people who hide behind anonymity?
With the lull in between C.J.’s baseball and gymnastics careers, I thought it was going to be a slow week. Then, Raising My Rainbow was on the front page of The Orange County Register’s Sunday edition.
Read the article here. Bonus feature: C.J.’s Dad speaks for the first time about raising C.J. As part of the spread, Walker scored an exclusive interview with Cheryl Kilodavis, author of My Princess Boy. Check it out.
The feedback from readers has been overwhelming: negative, positive, judgmental, encouraging and, most of all, tear-jerking. We heard from a lot of Orange County families who feel like they have to hide with their effeminate, gay and/or non-gender conforming son; when really we all want to walk in the sun. My family is not alone, I always knew that.
Shout out here to Cindy Yamanaka and Theresa Walker, The Orange County Register
Reporter Theresa Walker and photographer Cindy Yamanaka were super supportive of the blog, kind to our family and treated us with great care. To them I am thankful.
Any-who, since the story hit newsstands, I have made good on my promise not to peek at the comments left by readers on the publication’s website. My BFF (a.k.a. Auntie KK) says that Register readers are proving to be even more close-minded and judgmental than she expected; which is a shock to me, because after 13 years as my partner in crime, she is pretty good at, both, expecting the worst of people and then not giving two shits about what they think.
Our journey sure is unique, thanks for joining us.
C.J.'s Infamous Lego Mini-Fig
He was a little boy born with baseball blood. His maternal great-grandfather was drafted by the Chicago White Sox in the 1930s. His maternal grandfather traveled Latin America playing in the Pan American Games. His paternal grandfather coached youth who went on to play in the pros. His father turned down a possible baseball scholarship to play football in college. Even I was a decent shortstop in my days playing fast-pitch softball.
But, Uncle Uncle struck out at t-ball. And, C.J. is more like Uncle Uncle than anybody else in our family.
As the 80’s approached, Nana Grab Bags would sit in the stands every weekend with her Farrah Fawcett hair, Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and cry behind her enormous sunglasses as her baby boy struck out at t-ball while every other player easily managed to hit the stationary ball off of the stationary tee adjusted perfectly within their strike zone.
Uncle Uncle’s favorite day of baseball season? Picture day!
Uncle Uncle didn’t seem to mind. He loved to pick daisies in the outfield and tap dance for the bees. He was completely oblivious to the game being played. When the innings dragged on he kept himself busy by reenacting both fantastic acts of Annie and singing all of the songs from memory. Flourishes were added here and there for dramatic effect.
Every once in a while he would grab himself and hop around yelling — so loud that spectators at neighboring fields could hear him –“Mom-meeeeee, I have to go peeeee-peeeee.”
Nana would wipe her tears with great dignity and lovingly escort him to the bathroom.
C.J. has been watching his big brother play t-ball and, now, baseball for most of his life. He loves to be down at the fields, play with the other siblings and get Icees from the snack bar.
“When I gonna’ play baseball?,” he asked a few weeks ago.
His request was perfectly timed, as the local recreation department was just about to start a t-ball league for three and four year olds and the uniform stores near by were all having a clearance sale
“I love my baseball costume,” C.J. said as he twirled in front of the mirror in his team t-shirt, workout pants and baseball hat. “It’s called a uniform,” I said as I smiled.
At the field they assembled the kids. C.J.’s hat fell off. He put it back on and looked at me.
“Does my hat still look otay, Mama?,” he shouted across the field.
“Yes, baby.”
“Do I still look like Strawberry Shortcake?”
“Yes, baby.”
The other moms looked at me.
C.J. “takin’ a knee” before the big game.
“Spread your legs, get down and get ‘baseball ready’,” his coach instructed.
Apparently C.J.’s legs don’t spread. His knees were stuck together. With them together, he bent over with his little rump sticking out. His knees, together, went from one side, to the other, to totally in the way as he tried to lower his hand-me-down glove to the ground. A grounder rolled passed him.
“Oh, my!” he exclaimed.
“Oh, dear!” he breathed as he ran after the ball.
C.J. playing t-ball looked as natural as Charlie Sheen giving a heartfelt sermon at the local mega-church.
C.J. gets my congratulations and praise for sticking with it, but at the end of the six week season he decided that he didn’t want to sign up for t-ball again. That’s fine, we’ll give it a go again later.
Next week he starts gymnastics.
This week I had the pleasure of chatting it up with the boys at Feast of Fun.
What is Feast of Fun?
A daily podcast talk show hosted by Fausto Fernós and Marc Felion featuring celebrity guests and friends of the LGBT community. With more than 12 million downloads to date, Feast of Fun has the distinction of having the largest audience for a LGBT-themed podcast in the world. It’s one of the most popular daily audio programs of its kind for any audience.
Here’s a brief description of what we talked about on the show:
“Pink boys, princess boys, rainbow kids and the little guy who wanted to dress up as Daphne from Scooby Doo: there is an explosion of moms coming forward to say it’s OK to let your kids play with the toys they want or even make believe and dress up like a fairy princess.
These moms don’t care if their kids are gay, transgendered or just going through a phase, they just want them to grow up in a loving accepting society. So they are blogging about it, and want your support.
Today we’re talking to C.J.’s mom who writes the blog, Raising my Rainbow where she anonymously shares her story about raising her 4 year old son C.J. who love princesses, Barbie dolls, Alice in Wonderland and pretending he’s celebrity home style cook Paula Deen.
Listen as C.J.’s mom shares with us the messages she’s gotten from thousands of people from all around the world for being a mom who supports her kids to be whoever they want to be.”
Listen to the podcast here:
http://www.feastoffun.com/podcast/2011/02/24/fof-1334-i-think-my-4-year-old-son-is-gay-02-24-11/
Thanks to Fausto, Marc, Feast of Fun and their listeners for the love and support.
Who else can I thank this week? Readers from Brazil, Costa Rica, France, Germany, Norway and Pakistan who have hopped on the rainbow to follow our adventures.
C.J. has received an e-mail from Prince Charming. Yes, THE Prince Charming. They had been going back and forth (with me, C.J.’s Mom, playing the part of loyal typist and secretary) since just before our big birthday trip to Disneyland.
For C.J.’s birthday, Prince Charming sent him this autographed picture…
C.J. saw it pop up on the computer screen as I did.
“Who dat fo’!” he yelled, as if I wasn’t sitting with my ear six inches from his perfect little mouth.
“It’s for you. Prince Charming sent it via e-mail from his castle,” I answered, my voice overflowing with splendor and awe.
“Give it to me!” he said as he reached across me in a mad attempt to rip it from the screen.
I printed it out on a piece of photo paper and C.J. twirled with it, held it up high, twirled again and hugged it close to his chest. Then it was nap time. And, he took Prince Charming. Then it was dinner time. And, he took Prince Charming. Then it was time to jump on the trampoline. And, he took Prince Charming. Then it was bath time. And, we fought over taking Prince Charming in the tub as I tried to explain why photos and water don’t mix. Then, it was bedtime. And, he took Prince Charming.
Two weeks later and he still loves his autographed Prince Charming photo (even though the neighbor boys weren’t as impressed with it as he was).
It’s one of his most prized possessions and it was a very thoughtful gesture from our new friend Mitch. C.J. and I are thankful for all of the people who follow our adventures, especially the nice ones.
* * *
This week Raising My Rainbow welcomed readers from Spain! Hola! Thank you to dosmanzanas.com! Raising My Rainbow has now made it to Canada, the U.K., Australia, New Zealand and Spain.
On Wednesday, on the “fourth hour” of the Today show, hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb discussed Dr. Phil’s opinion that boys should not play with girl toys. While Kathie Lee and Hoda disagreed with Dr. Phil, not all of their viewers did. Their poll question of the day was:
“Is it okay for boys to play with Barbies?”
63.1% said yes (955 voters)
29.6% said no (448 voters)
7.3% were undecided (111 voters)
Now, I’m no mathematician, but I don’t like those numbers.
These two broads can come over anytime to play Barbies with C.J.
Check out these quotes from people who feel that boys should not be allowed to play with Barbies. They bug me.
“Baby dolls, absolutely. Barbie dolls? Redirect to something that doesn’t scream drag queen.” – Baba
“If by playing you mean ripping his sister’s barbies to shreds with tools he stole from dad’s workshed, sure. Redirection is in order for this situation. Get out the rescue hero guys or the lincoln logs for him to build barbie a summer home.” – Nate
“Definitely NOT!!!!!!! that’s why (there are) so many FREAKS in the world now…boys shouldn’t play with any Female dolls…ok nothing wrong with GI Joe cause they don’t have hair 1st of all and they are skinny lil men. Barbie (has) female parts and have hair and make up.” – Monique
“Boys should play with action figures and girls should play with dolls.” – Derrell
“There is too much ‘feminism of America’ and I admire my husband for his masculinity…boys should be ‘taught’ masculinity!” – Jan
Here are comments from people – who are fabulous like me – and think that boys should be allowed to play with Barbies.
“For goodness sake let children be children. If they play with Barbie or GI Joe does it really matter?” – Karen
“If you try to suppress your child’s interests @ a young age, you may be doing harm for them in the future. Absolutely! Gender is a social construct and there is no reason to limit our children’s expressions and creativity.” – Jenn
“People who say no are just being homophobic.” – Rob
“i was a jock all thru school. i do all the remodeling work on my house, go to the gym , never played with barbies or dresses, i’m gay.” –Rob Bob
“The idea that toys are gender specific is outdated and offensive. Instead of teaching compliance we should be focusing on acceptance.” – Beth
“I found it interesting that so many replies to this question were wallowing in veiled fear of homosexuality. I teach nursery school, and find that your statement is correct. Most children don’t have a problem until someone else slaps a label of “wrong” on what they’re doing. In general, play is a major vehicle for a child to discover his world, and they have a heck of a good time exploring it all. A boy can learn so many positive things by playing with a doll. Gentleness, protectiveness, aspects of caregiving and responsibility for a “little” person. These things don’t make him Gay, they make him a potentially good member of an adult society…” – E.S.
Dr. Phil is on my shit list. Here’s why.
His advice on parenting a boy who likes to play with girl toys and wear girl clothes? Don’t let him.
Get your best Texas twang ready, because here are his words exactly.
“Direct your son in an unconfusing way. Don’t buy him Barbie dolls or girl’s clothes. You don’t want to do things that seem to support the confusion at this stage of the game. Take the girl things away, and buy him boy toys. Most importantly, support him in what he’s doing, but not in the girl things.” – Dr. Phil McGraw.
I want to scream and cry and become defensive and find comfort in chocolate.
You, C.J., need to stop playing with girl toys.
1.) “Direct your son in an unconfusing way. Don’t buy him Barbie dolls or girl’s clothes.”
Um, hi, if I took away all of C.J.’s girl toys he would be nothing but confused. There would be no “unconfusing” way to do it or to never buy him girl toys again. Children are not simpletons.
C.J. would be confused as to why mommy and daddy won’t let him play with the things that he loves to play with most. He would be confused as to why he can’t play with girl toys, but girls can play with boy toys. He would be confused as to why his big brother gets to select his own toys, but he does not.
To me it’s like saying, what you like is not okay. And, that is not okay.
C.J. would have every right to be confused. I imagine that it would be like telling me that I should and could only enjoy hobbies and things that I hate. I could go to the supercross, but not the spa. Go to the auto parts stores, but not the mall. Study martial arts, but not celebrity gossip. Drink beer, but not martinis.
Furthermore, besides feelings of confusion, C.J. might experience feelings of rejection, abuse of power, extreme jealousy and inadequacy. I’m not willing to subject my son, either one, ever, to those feelings.
According to Dr. Phil, C.J. can no longer play with these.
2.) “You don’t want to do things that seem to support the confusion at this stage of the game. Take the girl things away, and buy him boy toys.”
Right. Take all of the girl toys away. I don’t even want to imagine what that would do to my child. Really, Dr. Phil? Take away all of C.J.’s girl toys? That would leave him with his brother’s old Thomas the Tank Engine trains, a few crappy toys that accompanied Happy Meals, a Nerf gun, a plastic cowboy and Indian set that Pa and Nana Grab Bags brought back from a trip to Dallas and a few other odds and ends that he has no passion for. He plays with none of these toys, but I keep them in his room, mixed in with his girl toys in case the mood to play with boy toys ever strikes. It hasn’t.
And, does the Woody doll from Toy Story count? Because it is a boy, but it is also a doll. What about his set of pink Legos? Legos are, for the most part, marketed to boys, but pink is a girl’s color and it came with a girl mini-fig and a tiny hairbrush for her and her horse to share (gross). What about his Scooby Doo character set? Should I toss Daphne and Velma and leave Scooby, Shaggy and Fred?
Dr. Phil really needs to be more specific.
Also, I’d like to know if he gives the same advice to parents with little girls who want to play with cars, baseballs and super hero action figures. Would he tell a tomboy’s parents that their daughter might grow up to be too strong, too tough, too independent, too masculine, too….not normal, not okay?
Imaginative play is encouraged in our house. No matter the character, no matter the gender.
According to Dr. Phil, C.J. is allowed to play with these.
3.) “Most importantly, support him in what he’s doing, but not in the girl things.”
Nice. Only support half of your child; you can support all of them if they fall in the range of “normal.” I should support C.J.’s brother because he is into video games, baseball, skateboarding and fart jokes. But, I shouldn’t support C.J. completely because he likes dolls, playing beauty parlor, doing girly sticker books and walking around in my high heels. Support him, but only half way. Let him know that only certain parts of him are okay. To me this is the worst suggestion of the bunch. We all deserve to be celebrated all the way.
Dr. Phil goes on to say that “this is not a precursor to your son being gay, he’ll know that in time…this is not an indication of his sexual orientation.”
Another important Dr. Phil quote?
“Homosexuality is not a learned behavior. A sexual orientation is inherited; you are wired that way.”
So what does it matter if C.J. plays with girls toys now if his sexual orientation already lay dormant inside of him waiting to blossom in adolescence? What does it matter what a kid plays with? That’s the answer I want. I want a reason. Dr. Phil doesn’t want C.J. to play with girl toys, but why? Why not? He doesn’t say — and that is dangerous. I’m just supposed to take his word and follow his commandments because he said so? I’m not that kind of girl.
And, I don’t understand why he tells guests “Jessica and Thomas” about their cross-dressing toddler twins: “Get over it! This isn’t a sex role identification thing, a gender issue or a gay issue.”
How come toddlers can cross-dress and their parents need to get over it, but C.J. can’t play with girl toys and I need to take them all away?
Dr. Phil, in his latest large article on parenting, advises parents:
– Don’t fight individuality
– Do embrace a child’s nuances
– Don’t label the child
– Don’t ignore an issue that matters to your child
– Do empower
– Don’t pick wrong battles
– Do consider child’s desires
Thanks Dr. Phil, I’m doing these things, but I guess it doesn’t matter when your boy plays with dolls.
Super interesting read and makes this mama sad. I’m off to ponder this over mojitos by the beach….
C.J. would cry massive tears and be traumatized for life if I took away his Barbies.
Raising My Rainbow 