If There Were Ever A Day To “Let Kids Be Kids” It Would Be Today

Dear C.J.’s Mom,Tomorrow 20 children will not wake up and have a choice as to what shoes to put on. If there was ever a day in history where people who love and advocate for children should come together and shout from the tops of mountains to “let kids be kids” it would be today.

If there was ever a day to step back and look with wonder at our children for the joyfully imaginative way they approach their lives it would be today.

If there was ever a day to stop and say we only have today, what a gift I have in my son or daughter, I will not let anyone or anything stand in the way of what makes them happy it would be today.

I don’t mean to co-op one tragedy to pontificate about another. I only mean to suggest that life is fragile, unpredictable and beautiful. To wring hands and gnash teeth over pink zebra striped flats is such a waste. Such a terrible, painful waste.

Tomorrow morning 20 moms and dads will wake up with out little feet to put in shoes. I don’t know what to be more broken about…the senseless deaths of 20 beautiful children or scandalous flats on a beautiful little boy!

God bless you and your family!

Auntie Mip

This was a comment I received in response to my last blog post and the Newton school shootings.  I was planning on writing similar thoughts to post, but I feel like this Raising My Rainbow commenter said it better than I would have.

C.J. is in kindergarten and I can’t stop picturing him and his classmates when I think about the tragedy that happened in Newton.  Some people spend so much time and negative energy  judging him and us because he likes to play with “girl toys,” wear “girl clothes” and be treated like a girl.  But, you know what?  He is here, he is happy and he is healthy.  The parents of the 20 children (and the adults) killed yesterday can not say the same.  People would rather trade parenting places me over the parents of the Newton school shooting victims without thought.

It should puts things into perspective for people.  I hope it does.  As I put him to bed last night I whispered into C.J.’s ear, as I do every night, “I love you no matter what.”  I hugged him a little longer and thanked the universe that he was still breathing in his room…in his Disney Princess nightgown, cradling his Barbie.

 

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Shoemaggedon

Hi Everybody!

FYI, C.J. really wants this for Christmas.  In case you were wondering what to get him.

FYI, C.J. really wants this for Christmas. In case you were wondering what to get him.

Pardon me for being a bit of a flakey, unorganized blogger during this holiday season.  I’ve been very busy managing C.J.’s Christmas expectations.  You see, when he was finished composing it, his wish list was two pages long, front and back, single-spaced with half-inch margins.  He was under the impression that everything that he put on his list would appear under the tree on Christmas morning.  I had to explain how a wish list differed from an order form.  I felt like Scrooge.

Anyway, let’s get down to business…

Things that caught my attention recently:

Move over Toemaggedon!  It’s time for Shoemaggedon!  Yay!

Photograph Of Little Boy Wearing Pink Shoes To Preschool Sparks Heated Blogosphere Debate, Huffington Post, 12/11/12

“A viral photograph of a young boy who opted to wear pink shoes on his first day of preschool has sparked intense debate in the blogosphere.”

Read what one disapproving blogger wrote about the mother who dared to let her son wear (gasp!) pink zebra-print shoes to school.

 

My son wears these shoes..and leg warmers, Tinkerbell socks, jean skirt, infinity scarf..

My son wears these shoes..and leg warmers, Tinkerbell socks, jean skirt, infinity scarf..

Mom Who Let Son Wear Pink Shoes to Preschool Was Asking for Controversy, TheStir.com, 12/10/12

 

“I couldn’t help but feel kind of bad for the poor kid.  Because…(he) wound up with people whispering behind his back and making nasty remarks about him. And for those exact reasons…I wouldn’t let my own son wear a pair of pink shoes to school. Because at only 6 years old and being in the first grade, I’m just not sure it’s fair to subject him to being bullied or treated unfairly all because most people associate pink with girls and blue with boys.” 

The author of that blog post would hate my way of parenting.  For sure.  That’s okay, unlike that blogger, I would never ask my children to hide their likes just because they might be disliked by others.  The “he’s got to man up” and “well, he’s gotta learn sometime” and “what did he expect?” attitudes of years bygone are harmful to the child who’s different.  I hope more people start to realize that.

They.  Are.  Just.  Shoes.  And, you know what?  There are kids in this world with no shoes at all.

C.J. on his way to a holiday play.  Sometimes it catches me off guard when he looks so masculine.

C.J. on his way to a holiday play. Sometimes it catches me off guard when he looks so masculine.

Not last blog post but the one before, I announced a giveaway and called for entries.  The winner gets THE ADVENTURES OF TULIP, BIRTHDAY WISH FAIRY and BACKWARDS DAY — two children’s books written for gender-independent kids and families.

And the winner is….Emily (who commented on 11/22 at 4:04 a.m.).  Hi Emily, I’ll email you, check your inbox.

The final post of the year will be up next week!

Cheers,

C.J.’s Mom

 

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Show and Tell Anxiety

It’s hard to show and tell at school when it has increasingly become a place where you have to hide and keep secrets. C.J. taught me that this week.

photo 1C.J. is this week’s “Special Bear” in his kindergarten class. It’s supposed to be the highlight of the school year for him. Instead it’s been one panic attack after another.

This week is all about C.J. If you knew my son at home, you’d assume he’s made for weeks like this when all eyes are on him. At home he acts as if he’s born to shine, sparkle and steal every scene in this feature film called life. When talking about his future, he’s gotten in the habit of starting every sentence with “When I’m famous…” At home, he’s no wallflower.

Things are much different at school. This year he works every day to blend in and avoid doing something that will call attention to himself and his gender nonconformity. He’s in constant fear that the wrong classmate will find out that he likes girl stuff.

Every day of this week, C.J. is the center of attention.

We had the classroom teddy bear with us all weekend. We were supposed to have adventures, take pictures and include them with captions in the class journal for the students to see on Monday.

“Let me take your picture with the bear for the journal,” I said on Friday night as C.J. sat eating a bowl of ice cream.

“NO! Don’t take my picture! I’m wearing my nightgown! I don’t want them to know I like girl stuff!”

“Oh, okay. We’ll start taking pictures tomorrow,” I said.

photo 2Every photo taken with the bear the next day was well thought out and completely staged. At his request, we had to scan C.J. and the background for “girl clothes” and “girl toys” before he allowed us to take any pictures of him and that damn bear. We are horrible at noticing our boy dressed as a girl or playing with girl toys now. They used to stick out like a sore thumb. Now they don’t.

I gladly handed over the bear and journal to C.J.’s teacher on Monday. Then, I realized that for Tuesday, we had to create a custom 11×14 collage of photos of C.J. and a list of his favorite things. We had a questionnaire to guide us.

“What are your favorite things to do?” I read off of the questionnaire to C.J.

“Dancing and cutting my dolls hair and playing with my dolls and drawing me in beautiful dresses,” he said.

I started to write down his answer. I had a feeling that he would stop me. But, if he didn’t, if he was fine with giving his classmates the truth, I would be too.

“You can’t write that!” C.J. said. “That’s what I really like, not what I want the class to know I like. Tell them I like to play on the iPad. But, don’t tell them I play the dressmaker app. Or the makeover app.”

“Okay. What’s your favorite movie?”

Tangled. But don’t tell them that. Tell them I like Toy Story.”

“Okay,” I said as I wrote. “Which Toy Story? 1, 2 or 3?”

“Three because it has Barbie in it, but don’t tell them that’s why. Just tell them I like three best.”

“Okay. What is your favorite TV show?”

Jessie and Shake It Up. But don’t tell them that. Tell them I like Kickin’ It or maybe Good Luck Charlie is okay.”

photo 3The simple questionnaire was an exhausting process. The accompanying poster board had to be covered with C.J.’s favorite photos of himself. C.J. insisted that I only use photos of him “looking and acting like a boy.”

I imagine that for the vast majority of parents of boys it’s easy to find a picture of their boy looking and acting like a boy. For me it’s not. I struggled and found nine from the last year. In three of them he’s wearing only the color pink (a polo shirt in three shots and board shorts in one). He allowed me to use those.

When we were done with the poster board C.J. said it looked “just okay.”

“What could we do to make it look better?” I asked him, wanting him to like it.

“Make it pink and rainbow and add glitter,” he said.

“We can do that,” I replied.

“No.”

Boy-with-Pink-Hair_249Today he had to take his favorite book to school for his teacher read to the class. At first he was afraid that he’d get teased if he took his real favorite book, but he took it anyway and I’m glad he did. He took Perez Hilton’s The Boy With Pink Hair.

“He was born that way-The Boy with Pink Hair…Life is not easy being pink…But when you have a best friend who appreciates your uniqueness and parents who are loving and supportive, you can do just about anything.” — The Boy With Pink Hair

Tomorrow he’s supposed to take his favorite toy to share with the class. He won’g do that. He won’t take his cupcake princess doll, his ballerina nutcracker or one of his Barbies. So he’s taking a snow globe and will pretend that he loves it.

On Friday he takes his family to share with the class. His dad, brother and I will stand up there with him in front of the class and support him proudly. No matter what he likes in private or public, we like him just the way he is.

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Thanksgiving Housekeeping & Giveaway

Happy Thanksgiving week!

Among the many things that I am grateful for are this blog and its readers. 

C.J.’s Brother is thankful for his family, his house and his video games.

C.J. is thankful for his dolls, his grandma and grandpa, his other grandma and grandpa and lights so he doesn’t fall down in the dark…especially when he is wearing high heels.

C.J.’s sassy turkey.

We are also thankful for the families with gender nonconforming and LGBTQ kids who we have had the pleasure of getting to know over the last two years.

I’ve had a few families contact me recently asking for help in finding gender nonconforming families in their area.  So, if your child is gender nonconforming or LGBTQ and you live in Western Massachusetts or the greater Seattle area of Washington, please email me at raisingmyrainbow@gmail.com so that I can set you up on a potential playdate.

I want to start helping more families connect, so if you are looking for another gender nonconforming family in your area, please email me with your location so that I can get to work.  This could be fun; I just have to figure out how to do it in a way that is safe and secure for everybody.  My wheels are turning.

Now, it’s time for a giveaway! 

I recently read two children’s books that were written for gender-independent kids and families that some of you may enjoy.

THE ADVENTURES OF TULIP, BIRTHDAY WISH FAIRY follows title-character Tulip as he deals with the birthday wishes of all the nine-year-olds in North America. Tulip receives a wish from a child known as David who wishes to live as Daniela. He doesn’t understand how to help, so he seeks the wise counsel of the Wish Fairy Captain and learns some new Wish Fairy Skills (while also introducing the concept of trans-identified children in a friendly, sympathetic way).

BACKWARDS DAY, set on the planet Tenalp, introduces us to a world where there are seventeen seasons, including one where bubblegum falls from the sky for three days and a single day when everything – everything everywhere – is backwards. Andrea looks eagerly forward to Backwards Day every year, so she can turn into a boy for the day. But one year she doesn’t turn along with everyone else. She’s miserable. The very next day, however, she turns into a boy – and stays that way!

To enter to win one copy of each book, leave a comment at the end of this post letting me know which gender or LGBTQ organization(s) you are most thankful for.  A winner will be selected randomly by C.J.

And, finally, I try to stay on topic here, as much as I struggle to do so in real life.  But, allow me to digress for a moment.  I was recently sent a link to Neil Patrick Harris’s new web series titled “Neil’s Puppet Dreams.”  Neil Patrick Harris and The Jim Henson Company together?  Please, what could be better?  This is going to be huge.  Watch it….but not with the kids around.

 

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The Problem With Pedicures

“Where are we going?” C.J. asked me.  We were loading into the car after a morning at the gym and we had a few hours to kill before we had to pick up his brother.

“Someplace,” I replied.

“Let me guess, running errands,” he said looking out the window in boredom.

“No. Someplace special. Someplace where you’ve never, ever been before,” I said looking at him with a mischievous smile.

“Yay!”

A few minutes later, we stood at the open double doors of the nail salon and he looked at me with a huge grin.  He gripped my hand a little tighter in excitement.

“Is this the nail store?” he asked.

“Yes, this is where you go when you want your nails painted really nice and pretty,” I replied.

“I always want my nails painted really nice and pretty,” he said to me quietly.

“I know.”

C.J. picked these colors for his first pedicure because they reminded him of Monster High.

He saw the wall racked with a rainbow of colored polishes and ran over to them.  I informed the receptionist that we wanted two pedicures.  I paused.

“C.J., do you want your fingernails and toenails painted or just your toes?” I asked in clarification.

“Just my toes, cause when I wear my shoes no one can see them.”

“Two pedicures please,” I said.

We were escorted to our huge vibrating Japanese massage chairs and foot baths filled with warm water and suds.

C.J. was near giggles watching his feet soak and I was near giggles watching my son get his first professional pedicure.  The salon was quiet; all eyes were on us — my son and me on an 11 a.m. pedicure date.

“Mama, you need to tell them to get the hard stuff off of your tootsies,” he said giving my feet a disgusted look.  Rude.

The pedicure pros got to work on our feet and a frenzy of chatter and laughter started.  I was wishing I were fluent in the language that they were speaking so that I could eavesdrop when I heard the manager walking toward us shaking her head in disapproval.  The girl doing my pedicure lightly smacked my foot getting my attention to ask me a question before the manager got much closer.

“Is that a boy or a girl?” she asked, pointing at C.J.  Luckily, he wasn’t really paying attention to anything other than his toes and couldn’t understand her broken English very well anyway.

“He’s a boy,” I said, looking at my son in his brother’s hand-me-downed blue athletic shorts and a blue shirt with a police car on the front.  He was looking surprisingly boyish if you ask me.  But, then again, I’m used to seeing him in a skirt, heels, clip-on earrings and lip-gloss.

The embarrassed manager said she was sorry and diverted her path towards the back of the salon.

“Oh, cause I thought it was a girl.  But, her and her thought it was a boy.  And, her, her and her thought it was a girl.  We were taking bets,” my pedicurist said smiling and pointing to the other salon workers as she went along.

She was amused and I was shocked.  I leaned over towards my feet and towards my nail girl so that she could hear me better, but C.J. couldn’t.

“Well, he’s a boy, so I guess her and her are the winners,” I said with un-amused tone and look, pointing to the two salon employees who had correctly guessed that my son was a boy.  None of them would make eye contact with me.

C.J. was oblivious and I did everything in my power to keep it that way.  Our pedicures were done and we walked out of the salon holding hands with toilet paper rolled up and stuck between our freshly polished toes.  When I saw C.J. staring at his toes and smiling, I smiled too.

C.J.’s first professional pedicure. He added tiny butterfly stickers.

A few weeks of begging later, I took him to a different salon for a pedicure.  He was selecting a color when his pedicurist approached him.

“You don’t want a color,” she said, grabbing him gently by the shoulders and steering him away from the colors and towards the pedicure chair.

I stopped her in her path.

“Colors are the best part of the pedicure,” I said to her.  “Aren’t they, C.J.?”

C.J. and I selected our colors.  Then, C.J. vetoed the purplish-gray color that I had picked for myself and picked another color for me.   I ended up with a C.J.-approved glittering violet and he chose neon pink for himself.

We sat in our massive massage chairs and the pedicures began.  I read a People Magazine while he played a fashion design game on my iPhone.  The lady doing his nails kept sneaking a glance at the neon pink bottle of polish that he had selected.

She was saying something to her coworker who was busy working on my feet.  They were going back and forth and looking at the neon pink.

“Little boy, you sure you want pink? Why not get blue to match your pants?” she finally asked C.J.

C.J. looked at me.

“Do you want pink?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said.

“Then, tell her,” I said.

“I want pink,” he said shyly.

“He wants pink,” I said looking at her like there was no room for discussion.

C.J. smiled at me.

“You want design on your toes?  Maybe turkey for Thanksgiving?”

C.J. looked appalled.  I can guarantee that my son will never want a turkey painted on his toenails.

“I want a flower,” he said.

I smiled at him in encouragement and looked at her matter-of-factly.

C.J.’s second professional pedicure. I may never be able to get a pedicure alone again.

She granted his wish, while talking even more excitedly with her co-worker in the language that I didn’t know.  Again, I wished for a moment that I were fluent in the secret language of pedicurists.

Then, I decided that I’m glad that I couldn’t understand what they were saying.  Because I really don’t care.  My son and I were happy, walking to our car with toilet paper worming between our purple and pink toes, walking on our heels with toes pointing up, like that would help the polish dry faster, hand in hand smiling.  My son was happy and that’s all that really matters.

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Our Gender Nonconforming Halloween Party

One of the absolute best things about having this blog is that it has enabled my family to meet and forge friendships with other families raising gender nonconforming kids.

We’ve found two families locally that we’ve gotten to know since summer. One of our gender nonconforming friends is a sweet little boy named C.K., who I’ve written about before. C.K. is five and wanted to be Minnie Mouse for Halloween. But, he was afraid that people would make fun of him, so he selected a Spiderman costume instead. Then, he was bummed that he didn’t get to be Minnie Mouse.

Well, he can be Minnie Mouse at our house! So, C.J. and I hosted our first annual gender nonconforming Halloween costume party. C.K. came dressed as Minnie Mouse and he brought his mom, dad and brother who was a ninja.

Our other friend T.L. came. He will be trick-or-treating as Cleopatra on Halloween, but came to our party as a black cat. He brought his mom.

C.J. got all decked out in his pink fairy costume and C.J.’s Brother wore his grim reaper costume. I donned the fascinator that I wore when I called in sick to work and watched Will and Kate get married. Nana Grab Bags showed up dressed as a sassy witch.

From left: T.L., C.J. and C.K. These boys are going to change the world.

We decorated our nails.

C.K. painted his own left hand, his mom helped him with his right hand.

We decorated pumpkins.

C.J. decorating his pumpkin.  He gave her long blue wavy hair all the way around.

We decorated cookies.

C.J.’s cookie decorating skills know no bounds.

T.L. enjoying his cookie while wearing one of my old wigs.

Everybody got a goody bag.

C.J. and his goody bag.

And we had the best Halloween party ever. Boo!

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I Don’t Want My Boy To Want A Boy Costume

Halloween is a reminder of how much our family has evolved.

Back in the days when I picked out C.J.’s costumes and gender wasn’t an issue.

The Halloween before last, our three and a half year old son wanted to dress up as Snow White and we were panic-stricken. What would people say?  How would people respond?  Though we were tempted to, we would not let our boy dress as a girl for all to see – not even on the one night of the year that is reserved for fantasy, role-play and costumes.  Oh, no, instead I sat him on my lap, scrolled through BuyCostumes.com’s “Boys Costumes” section and manipulated him into thinking that those were his only options.

He finally, reluctantly selected a costume.  He slid off of my lap and walked solemnly to his room as I ordered it online.  I felt bad for not letting him dress as he wanted for Halloween, but I also felt like I didn’t have another choice.  What kind of parent let’s their child cross-dress in public?

Besides, I argued, C.J. was getting what he really wanted out of a costume, which was to wear makeup and fabric that “felt nice.” He trick-or-treated as a silly-faced skeleton, wearing a black satiny polyester blend getup with a face full of black and white make-up that would have impressed the girls and boys working the MAC counter.

It was fine, but it was not Snow White.

Halloween was over and I figured that our boy’s “girly phase” would be done by the next October 31, at which time he’d pick a “boy costume” and we would forget about the Snow-White-Skeleton Halloween.

Twelve months later, C.J. was four and a half and wanted to dress up as Frankie Stein, (the teenaged daughter of Frankenstein and star pupil at Monster High) for Halloween.

By that time we had realized that our son’s penchant for all things girly was not a phase, it was his way of life.  We knew that he was gender nonconforming.   We knew that he was going to want a “girl costume” for Halloween.  We weren’t panic-stricken like the year before, but we were scared.

If he were an only child, he could get all dolled up in full drag and rock the hell out of All Hallows’ Eve.  But, he wasn’t an only child. And, while C.J. might not get teased if he wore a “girl’s costume,” his older brother probably would. We were committed to letting C.J. wear the costume of his choice, as we worried incessantly about the effects it might have on his brother.

Our one condition was that C.J. had to wear a wig.  His dad and I both felt like we could really hide (protect) him and his brother with the use of a wig. A wig felt like a safety net.  I took C.J. shopping for his costume early in the morning in the middle of the week so that no one would see his selection.

C.J.’s Brother was less-than-thrilled about his little brother dressing like a girl and parading himself proudly around our community for Halloween.  For all of us but C.J., the holiday’s happiness was damped by worry.

C.J.’s costume is not this slutty. Swear.

This year for Halloween, C.J. wanted to dress up as Bloom, a fairy from Winx Club.  None of us gave it a second thought; we just bought the costume.  No manipulative online browsing.  No off-hour trip to the costume store.  No panic.  No worry.  No nothing.

The costume didn’t come with a wig and I didn’t get one.  Bloom has red hair and so does C.J.  His isn’t long like hers but I figured that we didn’t need a wig.  I didn’t feel like we needed the protection that a wig felt like it provided last year.

C.J. freaked out.

“I need a wig!   I want a wig!  If I don’t have a wig people will know I’m a boy.  They’ll know it’s me!” he said mid-meltdown.

“Okay, okay, we’ll get a wig.  I promise,” I said.

“Today?”

“No, but before Halloween.”

His dad, brother and I hadn’t given this year’s costume choice a second thought.  And, just as we three got to the point of not caring about what other people might say or think or do, C.J. was just beginning to care, take such things into consideration and modify his behavior accordingly.

Now it saddens me to think that next year he might want a “boy costume” to avoid negativity, stares and judgment from other people.  Now, I don’t want my boy to want a boy costume.

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How Chick-Fil-A Almost Ruined My Family

At one point last week I was pretty sure that Chick-Fil-A had ruined my family.

When the Chick-Fil-A anti-gay controversy broke out during the summer, it was a no-brainer for C.J.’s Dad and I to have a conversation with our sons about the company’s beliefs and decide as a family that we weren’t going to eat there anymore.

Our little family took a big stand and let it be known.  Most people assumed our anti-Chick-Fil-A stance was based on our love and support of my gay brother.  It’s a correct assumption, but a limited one.  My husband, my sons and I decided to boycott Chick-Fil-A in love and support of the entire LGBTQ community and, more importantly, because in our house we believe that all people are created equal and deserve to be treated that way.  To us, there is no excuse for hate and discrimination, not even the go-to “the bible told me so” explanation.  Call us crazy.

We also wanted to use the situation to teach a life lesson: sometime you have to sacrifice in order to stand up for what you believe in.  Chick-Fil-A has long been a favorite of C.J. and his Brother.  They would miss the food for sure.

Our kids agreed with our decision.  Our nine-year-old son wrote a letter to Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy.  Our five-year-old son (who is gender nonconforming) understands that Chick-Fil-A isn’t nice to everybody, that they are mean to some people and that that is not okay.

My husband and I made it quite clear to those close to us — especially those people who, on occasion, feed our kids when we are not around — that we would not be eating at Chick-Fil-A.

That was our decision.  If someone we knew didn’t make the same decision, we were disappointed but we didn’t unfriend them.  We just asked them to get their fill of those homophobic nuggets, sandwiches and waffle fries when we weren’t around.

Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.

We’ve learned that sometimes that is easier said than done.

Last week, a member of our family had a few moments alone with our oldest son and engaged C.J.’s Brother in a conversation about Chick-Fil-A, which lead to the family member explaining the biblical definition of marriage and what the bible says about homosexuality to our nine-year-old.

We.  Were.  Pissed.

We felt like we had been purposefully betrayed and deceived.  We felt like our son had been part of talk that was inappropriate because of our beliefs, his age, the topic and the family member’s knowledge that we are LGBTQ allies through and through.  And, none of that takes into account that our son’s beloved uncle is gay and his brother has a very high likelihood of being gay or transgender.

Once we took a few days and few steps back, we realized that we assume that people in our family’s lives will behave as we expected them to.

“The easiest way to get your expectations unmet is to fail to communicate those expectations to the person who is supposed to meet them,” someone said to me recently.

We had never clearly communicated how we expected the adults in our family’s lives to conduct themselves around our children when it came to matters of religion and being LGBTQ.

We sat down with the family member and, for the first time, said out-loud what we expect of them and others.  Initially, it felt weird to do it.  But after we did it, it felt weird that we hadn’t done it earlier.

We had never said out-loud to the people in our lives:

1.  Please do not talk about religion to our children. We believe that God is more about love, kindness and inclusiveness than he is about fear, hate and shame.  We believe that he created each person perfectly and without flaw and that, more than anything, he wants each person to be treated that way.  And, if judgment is necessary for entrance into heaven?  It’s God’s to give, not ours.

Whether you agree with our religious views or not, let’s all play it safe and refrain from engaging children in conversations meant to sway them.  If you feel like it’s your calling to spread the word of your God or your religion, please don’t spread it onto our children.

2.  If you have something unkind (at best) or hateful (at worst) to say about the LGBTQ community we have to insist that you do not say it around our children or us.  We’ve ended friendships for less and do realize that sometimes family ties are a little trickier to deal with.

All that being said, anyone – family or not – who teaches our children that their uncle and other LGBTQ people aren’t equal, are sinful and should be excluded from things like civil rights will be eliminated from our lives.

3.  Because our child is gender nonconforming and has been for more than half of his life, statistically speaking he has about a 75 percent chance of being a member of the LGBTQ community.  When our family is around, please conduct yourself as if a member of the LGBTQ community is in your presence.

4.  Also, because of his gender nonconformity, compared to his peers he has a much higher likelihood of attempting suicide, experiencing major depression, abusing substances, developing addiction and practicing unsafe sex and behaviors.  We can lower the likelihood of all of those things being in his life if we protect him from bullies.  Bullies aren’t just at school; all too often they are in the home.  Our home and family has to be a safe, loving and accepting place for him.  Always.   If you can’t help create that kind of environment then you are probably helping to destroy it – which means you shouldn’t be a part of it at all.

Thankfully, our family member listened to our expectations and agreed to meet them in the future.  We agreed to forgive and try to move forward.  We also agreed that Chick-Fil-A wasn’t what almost ruined our family – that family member’s actions and our failure to communicate our expectations did.

* * *

Would you allow someone with different religious beliefs to talk to your children about their beliefs and religion without you around?

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Come Out Of The Closet Son…Then Go Back In…

Sixteen months ago I asked a question that got a decent amount of attention on the internet:

Son scootering the sidewalk.

“Do you think that it is possible for a homosexual person to not have to come out of the closet.  I don’t mean stay closeted for always and ever.  I mean never even enter the closet.  For instance, I’ve asked my oldest son if he thinks anybody in his class is cute.  I’m careful how I phrase it.  I don’t ask if he thinks any of the girls are cute.  I leave it open so that he can answer honestly.  Do you think an LGBT youth could grow up and never step foot in the closet (at least with immediate family), thus making the coming out process (with the immediate family) obsolete?  Can a family be so okay with homosexuality that, say, a fifth grade boy could tell his mom very comfortably that the boy in class in a Chargers jersey and still outgrowing his baby fat (or Baby Phat, who knows) is totes amazeballs?”            — Raising My Rainbow, June 2, 2011

A lot of people have told me that it is possible, especially in a family like ours.  My brother grew up feeling like he was hiding in the closet for as far back as he can remember…which is pretty much around the time that he wanted a Wonder Woman doll for Christmas and longed to dress in drag for Halloween.  The thought of my son bypassing a good amount of the guilt, shame, fear and secretiveness that my brother grew up with made me happy and made me feel like his father and I (and the rest of the people in his life) were/are doing something right.  If my son were LGBTQ and didn’t want to step foot in the closet he didn’t have to.  Hooray!

Sons savoring the sunset.

But, all of that was when my son was four-years-old and him realizing his sexuality seemed like a thing for the distant future.  Then, Amelia (who writes for the Huffington Post’s Gay Voices section and with whom I’ve gotten to know via email) started writing about her son who is seven years old and openly identifies as gay.  He came out when he was six.  Then, an awesome mom who I met through my blog wrote last week about her son and how he recently declared that he is in love with another boy.  He is six.  He is in kindergarten.  C.J. is almost six.  C.J. is in kindergarten.

I used to think that we had until middle school (plus or minus a year or two) to learn our son’s sexuality.  What if it happens in kindergarten?  What if it happens tomorrow?

There is a new hesitation in me.  If he is LGBTQ, I wanted my son to be out of the closet – never in it – with us, his family.  I hadn’t factored in how he would handle it with the other seven billion people on earth…at age 6, then 7, then 8, then….?

If my son were to come out to us in the next five to ten years, what do I tell him about being open about his sexuality?  That it’s a private matter, which only his family needs to know about?

What would I tell him if he were heterosexual?  Would I parent him the same?

If I encourage him to keep a part of himself a secret, am I pushing him into the closet?

Do I explain to him the dangers of being out to certain types of people – his bullying schoolmates included?  Is a child equiped to fully understand that?

How do I teach my son that he’s perfectly made, raise him with no shame, encourage him to be the most authentic version of himself…and then tell him to keep quiet about it at school and on the playground?

If C.J. is LGBTQ, I’ve always wanted him to be out and free and proud.  Knowing that that moment may be closer than we thought, what I really want is for my son to be safe.  And, sometimes it feels like he can’t be out and free and proud and safe all at the same time.

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My Son Draws Himself As A Girl

Today my son drew himself as a boy for the first time in his life.  He’s five and a half years old.  For that many years, when he has drawn himself, he has drawn himself as a girl.

In the mediums of crayon, colored pencil and marker, our son is a beautiful girl with long red hair, a big puffy ball gown the color of cotton candy and a tiara with a gigantic heart-shaped stone front and center.  Sometimes he’s a sassy girl in a jean skirt, black leather jacket and knee-high boots.  Sometimes he’s a girl going to school in a hot-pink t-shirt dress and purple high top sneakers with turquoise socks peaking out.

It took his dad and me a while to get used to seeing our son’s self-portraits.  For a long time there was the urge to correct him, to remind him that he is a boy and his renderings weren’t accurate.  We fought that urge until it wasn’t there anymore.  Feelings of uneasiness popped up in us here and there when it was time for arts and crafts, especially when there were other people around.  I’ve had to remind myself that you never tell an artist that his or her art is bad or wrong — art can’t be those two things (especially when you are five).

Being acutely aware that children who continually, over an extended period of time draw themselves as the opposite sex are more likely to be transgender, we have always wondered if and when the day would come when our boy would draw himself as a boy looking like a boy.  We imagined that if it ever happened we would feel a sense of relief and happiness.  Then, it happened and we were nothing but sad.

C.J. has just started kindergarten and at his school every kindergartner is matched up with a “Kinderbuddy,” an older student at the school who will see C.J. on a regular basis throughout the year to read to him, play with him and mentor him.  Hopefully they will have a mutually beneficial and special relationship.

Because the school tries to match up Kinderbuddies based on sex/gender, C.J.’s Kinderbuddy is a boy.  Because C.J.’s sex and gender aren’t in total alignment, that process for matching up Kinderbuddies isn’t exactly ideal.

On their first day of meeting, the Kinderbuddies had to sit together and draw a picture of themselves together.  That’s when it happened; C.J. drew himself as a boy next to his boy Kinderbuddy.

“Mommy, I got a Kinderbuddy today.  And, he’s so cool!  He’s a teenager!” C.J. said after school.  By “teenager” he meant “sixth grader.”

He showed us the picture that they had drawn together.  We didn’t recognize our son.  We looked at each other in shock.

“Hey, Buddy…how come you drew yourself as a boy?” C.J.’s Dad asked casually.

“Oh, that’s because I didn’t want my Kinderbuddy to know that I like girl stuff,” C.J. said matter-of-factly.

Our hearts sank.  We had always thought that things would feel more right, more normal, on the day that C.J. finally drew himself as a boy, but things didn’t.  Things felt sad because our son had to do it out of self-preservation.  He did it to adapt and conform.  He did it to hide his true self.  It felt like he had lost some of his innocence.

Diane Ehrensaft, an expert on raising gender nonconforming children, once wrote:

“Gender creative children are blessed with the ability to hold on to the concept — that we all had one time in our lives — that we were free to be anything we wanted – boy, girl, maybe both.”

With that drawing, it felt like our son was losing his grip on the concept that he is free to be anything he wants to be.  Was he losing his grip?  Or, was he tightening his grip on the concept and exercising control over when it could be on display and when it couldn’t?

C.J. didn’t want to hang his Kinderbuddy drawing on the fridge or his bedroom door for all to see like he usually wants to do with his art.  He wanted to throw it away.

“Why?” I asked.

“Cause that’s not really me,” he said as he sat in the sun at our dining room table, drawing himself with a side ponytail, purple shirt with a pink heart on it and an orange skirt.

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