Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Son: Post-Halloween Edition

  •  I’m telling you, Lady Gaga is NOT Selena Gomez’s mommy.
  •  Come here, honey.  With your wig tied back like that you look like Paul Revere.  Let’s braid it.
  • That’s why we don’t wear wigs at the dinner table; it’s getting in your food.
  • Please be careful not to get holes in your tights.
  • Hold still please, I need brush your hair a certain way before I put your wig on.
  • Are you going to do the black lipstick?  No?   Good choice.
  • I don’t know who Mr. Goodbar is.  Yes, he does make a good bar.

Last week I welcomed questions from you.  A few were posted in the comments section of that post and I’ll work on answering one or two every Thursday.  Don’t be shy, ask me anything.  If you want a little more privacy, you can email questions to raisingmyrainbow@gmail.com (a few people did that this week).

Q.  “If science allowed, would a parent chose for their child to be heterosexual if they already knew for a fact that they would be homosexual?” – Jazmine

A. No, I would not, if possible, use science to change my homosexual child into a heterosexual.  The thought that some people would consider doing so scares me, mostly for their child’s sake should s/he be a part of the LGBTQ community.  Pack the kid’s bags and send them to my house.

Q.  What about CJ’s creativity – does he often make up stories and the like? I imagine if he did they would be patently hilarious. – Evan

A. C.J. is a creative soul.  You’re question really made me thing.   He is just starting to create stories, but will then pass them off as “dreams.”  His passion is for art.  He will draw detailed pictures with crayons, markers, paints or pencils and explain them to me at length, demanding my full attention.  He will also modify pictures in coloring books if the character’s outfit isn’t right or hair isn’t to his liking.  He can stay in the lines better than most kids his age, but isn’t afraid to go out of the lines if he feels it will improve the final result.

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Garden Island Soup Recipe

I’ve had several requests for C.J.’s Brother’s signature dish: Garden Island Soup, which he will one day serve at his restaurant, The Greasy Dream.  We’ve fine-tuned the recipe over the months, as you can see from the original recipe he wrote.  This soup is great, which means my kids will eat it…which I can’t say about a lot of the food I cook.

Here are the ingredients, the measurements vary to taste:

  • Cooked orzo pasta (The kids love that it’s rice-shaped but really pasta. Blows their minds every time.
  • Knorr Homestyle Chicken Stock (with the necessary amount of water to make a broth
  • Fresh rosemary from our garden (and by “garden” I mean “planter”).  Chop it super-fine.
  • Garlic salt 
  • Chicken sometimes, if we have some leftover from another meal

 Bring to a boil, simmer awhile.  Enjoy.

* * *

Ask me anything.  I know some of you have questions for me and, from time to time, I need a writing prompt.  Leave your questions for me as a comment at the end of this post and I promise to get to some of them in the near future.  I wanna see just what you’re wondering.

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Panties Above the Door

My BFF came charging out of the bathroom at the internet café on the island of Mykonos where we were chatting up the kiddos via FaceTime. As the oldest child, C.J.’s Brother dutifully held the iPad back in Cali. When he wasn’t looking for boogers up his nose via the small screen in the upper right-hand corner he had the camera pointing towards the ceiling. So, we could see daily that our ceiling was in a state of good repair and our son was picking his nose with the utmost attention to detail.

“You HAVE GOT to go to the bathroom!” she said to me with a giddy urgency.

Naturally I hopped right up and headed to the tinkle-torium, not knowing what I was going to see. Blood, guts, gore, pubic hair, diamonds, Ryan Gosling? My bestie, she always keeps me guessing that way.

I go through the door to the unisex shared sink area, which is the usual in Greece (and other parts of Europe, I suppose). I never got used to sharing a portion of the powder room. I constantly felt like I had entered the men’s room on accident and, at the same time, it reminded me of that one night at M.J.’s in Silverlake, sharing a bathroom with the mixed masses.

I get to the side-by-side toilet doors (one for women and one for men) and this is what I see.

A pair of Sylvester little boys underwear indicate the “Men’s Room” and Sleeping Beauty little girls underwear indicate the “Ladies’ Room.”

C.J. would insist, of course, on making a number one and two with Aurora.

I whipped out my iPhone to snap a pic for all of you and the man washing his hands at the sink stared at me and escaped the confined space quickly. I walked out smiling; thanking the Grecian stars that no establishment in Orange County would do such a thing. Little things like that give me pause when C.J. is with me, but make me smile at our quirky adventures when he isn’t around. People now associate me with children’s underwear (read this post to learn why). Is it weird to admit that I’m kind of flattered, because if it is I won’t admit it.

* * *

In the news this week: A little boy wants to join the Girl Scouts. My initial thought: Holy crap, I haven’t even considered that the scouting age is around the corner and C.J., most likely, will prefer the Girl Scout Friendship Circle to the Boy Scout Wolf Den. Great. My initial thought on the coverage: Good for the Girl Scouts for having a decent, coherent statement. I don’t, however, like that they use the term “transgender” when they should be saying “gender variant” or “gender nonconforming. Overall: The story may be a step forward for gender creative families.

Jenna Lyons, the exec from J. Crew who caused “Toemaggeden,” has left her husband of nine years for, allegedly, a woman.

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If My Son Is Going To Hell, So Am I

I used to like going to church. My entire youth and early 20s were spent at church. I was there once, often twice a week, learning how to be a good Christian, playing broom hockey, taking gently worn shoes to kids in Mexico, singing “My God is an Awesome God” by the campfire and turning bible verses into SNL-worthy skits. For a solid year in middle school, I went solely to catch a glimpse of the pastor’s son, who was my age and hot in a way that only an eighth grader can be. Peach fuzz, the onset of acne, braces, you know the look.

My dad is an ordained pastor, I went to a Lutheran college, I live in the shadow of a mega-church and I have a gay brother and a gender variant child. Needless to say, I’m conflicted. I’m not the first mother to feel this way; I know that.

I was discussing religion the other day with my mom. She told me that when she revealed in conversation to a few members of her bible study that her son/my brother is gay they shook their heads and said “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She says that that is, more often than not, the response that she gets from her church-going friends. She will never get used to it. When it’s time to share prayer requests and praises, she feels like she can’t share anything good about her son/my brother because her feeling is that the others in the prayer circle will be thinking “yeah, but he’s gay.”

She encourages me to not give up on God. I really do believe in God and Jesus and occasionally like going to church. It all holds some sort of nostalgic power over me. It reminds me of my childhood and I remember it fondly; the days of good, clean fun. But, then there’s that not-so-little matter of my religion not accepting members from the LGBT community. It’s a community that I live with and may be raising.

The other night, as I lay in bed thinking about religion, God and C.J, it came to me. If C.J. is going to hell, then I am too. I told my husband that he has to go to heaven with C.J.’s Brother. It’s like splitting up when one kid has a gymnastics lesson at the same time that the other one has soccer practice.

That night I was also thinking about Leviticus, where a list of rules is written out. It’s portion of the bible that my church (which I’ve been attending for more than 20 years) refers to often when the topic of homosexuality is broached. Then, the other Sunday, C.J.’s Dad and I were sitting in our church’s worship center watching a video encouraging people to get baptized. There were pictures of recent baptisms and Christian-pop-rock music blaring. Onto the screen popped a picture of a cross intricately tattooed on a church member’s forearm. People clapped.

Now hold up just a moment. In Leviticus, not too far from the whole a-man-should-not-lay-with-another-man verse is a verse about not tattooing your body. I guess that tattooing verse wasn’t for real, but the same sex verse is super for real.

I’m not saying I’m anti-tattoos. I have one and a half myself. Yes, I have a half of a tattoo. It’s a long story that involves me not sticking to my tattoo removal schedule. Anyway, if there is leniency on some of God’s laws, but not all, I’d just like a breakdown of what we are taking seriously and what we aren’t.

Is it right to pick and choose which part of religion I agree with? Is that what most adults do?

I often think to myself, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” My gay brother is not a mistake. My gender creative son is not a mistake. A friend sent me a verse from Psalms that says that “God knitted us in our mother’s womb.” I like that. God knitted C.J. (with rainbow, glitter yarn) in my womb.

My son is a miracle, knitted by God. If Jesus died on the cross for people’s sins, he died for C.J.’s sins too. I’m demanding it.

The other day, while we were driving, C.J. asked me, “Mommy can God hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Even when I whisper?”

“Even when you are thinking something but don’t say it.”

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“I just told God a joke.”

I wonder how God and his followers could hate the person my sweet, red-headed jokester may grow up to be.

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Here I Am!

Hey Everybody! 

Some of you have noticed that I went M.I.A. last week.  I was actually in Greece on “holiday” as super-fancy people here in the states call it; the rest of us call it vacation.  Either way, C.J.’s Dad and I were away for nearly two weeks.  The first week I managed to the blog.  The second week I managed to drink Devil’s Tongues on Paradise Beach in Mykonos; haggle for some “genuine replica” purses and watches at The Grand Bazaar in Turkey; and otherwise have the trip of a lifetime with our BFF’s Auntie KK and Timmy S.

I would have told you about the trip earlier, but my hubby, being the lawman that he is, didn’t want me to alert anyone to our house being vacant.  Which point I argued because our house wasn’t vacant, his parents were here watching C.J. and his brother.  Oftentimes I lose my arguments before they have begun.  Anyway, I’m back.

Thank you to those of you who emailed to check on me.  I am alive and well and jet lagged.

Daddy and C.J. carved a pumpkin. C.J. took his time drawing the hair one strand at a time.

More of you emailed to see if C.J. has selected a Halloween costume.  Yes, he has.  After much consideration – with particular attention given to your suggestions found here  at the end of my post – he has decided to go as Frankie Stein from Monster High.  She’s the 15-year-old daughter of Frankenstein.  Stay tuned for more to follow on our Halloween festivities and/or calamities.

News flash!  The BBC has published an article about Raising My Rainbow…in Portuguese.  Hope it says nice things. 

Thanks for caring, seriously!

C.J.’s Mom

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C.J. Starts Soccer

“Ohhhh, Mama, I look like a soccer player!” C.J. is standing in front of my mirrored closet twisting back and forth at the waist, watching his shimmery black athletic shorts — which are two sizes too big — sway below the knees as he moves.

“That’s because you are a soccer player,” I say with excitement.

“I am?!”

“Yep!”

“Why is my costume green? I don’t like green. I like pink. And, purple,” C.J. asks, not taking his eyes off of his reflection.

“Because you are on the Green Dragons!” I’m trying to exude total excitement and none of the apprehension that I really feel.

Two days later we arrive at the first game, with is also the first practice when you’re on an “Under 5 (years old)” AYSO team.

C.J. meets his five teammates and his coach. They are all bouncing around like they are hopped up on Red Bull and fruit snacks. A little boy named Nolan approaches C.J., who is standing timidly by his brother.

“Give me five!” Nolan shouts.

C.J. smiles and gives him five. It’s the passive version of a high five where you lay your palm out open and let the other person do the actual “fiving.”

“Give me five!” Nolan shouts again. His energy is appreciated, but I’m glad that my kids take a while to warm up.

Again, C.J. smiles and presents his palm.

“Now, I’m going to give you a hard five!” Nolan shouts.

“No!” C.J. says and whisks his palm up to his heart.

“C.J. doesn’t do ‘hard fives’,” C.J.’s Brother says in warning to Nolan, who immediately turns and runs in search of someone who does do “hard fives.”

The 30 minute practice was over before C.J. knew it and we headed to the game field. As we were walking he spied it. I saw it. I saw him see it and I knew what was coming. He pointed to the little girl in the pink AYSO uniform and said very loudly, “Why does SHE get to wear pink and I don’t?”

“Because you got picked for the green team. They don’t have a pink team for boys. And, this is one of those times when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”

C.J. was pissed, confused and all-around disgruntled about the color of his uniform, but he kept walking to his field.

If you’ve seen kids this age play soccer, you know what it looks like. A cluster of kids, with the ball in the middle moving up and down the field, and sometimes off of the field, in a swarm of chaos and kicking that accomplishes next to nothing. They kick the ball in the direction of whatever goal is closest, with little regard to if it is their goal or not.

C.J. followed the swarm of players and stayed on the outskirts, prancing and acting like he really wanted to kick the ball, but I could almost hear his thoughts whispering to the ball, “please don’t come to me, please don’t come to me.”

At halftime, which was a grueling 15 minutes in to the game, the kids were a sticky, sweaty mess with a coating of wet morning grass. C.J. joined his fans for a drink of water and some oranges. His shirt had come un-tucked in the frenzy of soccer action and he was twisting it around in his fist.

Just so you know, K. Stew is largely believed to have the best t-shirt knot in hollywood.

“Mama, can you tie my shirt in a knot right here. I dink it will be better dat way.” He indicates that he wants his shirt in a knot on his right hipbone.

C.J.’s Dad gives me a questioning look. “Did you teach him that?”

“No, I didn’t teach him to knot his shirts. Have you ever seen me knot my shirt? I haven’t since the late 1980’s, early 1990’s when I wore a banana clip in my hair,” I said in my own defense.

“Then where did he learn it?”

“I don’t know!” I turned to C.J.

“No, baby, we aren’t going to tie your jersey in a knot in the front,” I said.

“Can we knot it in da back?,” C.J. asked, demonstrating how it would be done.

C.J’s Dad looked at me and rolled his eyes.

“No, baby, let’s just tuck it in again.” Halftime was over, so there was no debating which would look better, a re-tuck vs. a knot in the front or back.

C.J. continued to follow the swarm of players, keeping to the perimeter, with his arms straight down and wrists at 90 degree angles. At one point the ball was kicked by another player and it bounced off of C.J.’s shin. He looked at us and smiled. Dimples deep and pride high.

“Good kick C.J.!” we all cheered from the sidelines.

On the way home C.J. regaled how that bounce off of his shins was a kick that almost scored a goal. I regaled internally how his sporty jersey was almost turned into a one-of-a-kind knotted creation sure to go against AYSO boys’ league standards.

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Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Son, Part 3

• You can’t wear that pink headband to the rodeo, I don’t think the cowboys will appreciate it.
• You can wear your new tap shoes to bed tonight, but we can’t make this a habit.
• Little boys who are crying don’t get to wear mommy’s nightgown to bed.
• It’s time to take your dress off and get dressed for school.
• No, you can’t put earrings on your weiner.
• You can’t wear your necklace and bracelet when you play soccer, AYSO rules, not mine.
• If you’re going to do cartwheels in a skirt you have to put underwear on.

Have one of your own to add to my list? Leave a comment!

Click here to read Part 1 and Part 2.

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If Only He Could Drive…

“I WANT THAT CAR! I WANT THAT CAR!”

C.J. scared the crap out of me. We were out running errands and he let go of my hand in a parking lot and made a mad dash for the car of his dreams.

Why, yes, that is the official car of Lipstick Bail Bonds and he was standing next to it jumping up and down.

“Can we get it? Can we get it? Please! It’s pink and has kisses on it. I want it! Take my picture by it!”

People were looking and C.J. was posing like he was on American’s Next Top Model. I took his picture with it like he was meeting Tyra Banks.

“Hi,” a man said awkwardly from behind me. Of course the driver of the car would come out and catch us touching and photographing his vehicle.

“Oh, um, hi,” I said with my sweetest smile. “I’m sorry, but my son loves your car.”

“No problem. Do you all want some t-shirts?,” he asked.

“YES!,” screamed C.J.

The nice man from Lipstick Bail Bonds gave us stickers, air freshners and tank tops. Who knew that bail bondsmen carried so many chotchkies with them. Here is C.J. wearing the tank top that he selected. He’s layered it over a hospital gown and paired it with his rain boots. Naturally.

Twelve years from now, he fully expects to see that car in our driveway on his birthday.

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Starting School With Ms. Sensible

C.J.’s first day of pre-k at his new school (the school his older brother attends) started last Monday. The Thursday before school started, I popped into his classroom to see if, by chance, his teacher was there preparing for her students. I opened the classroom door and there she was. I wasn’t really expecting her to be there. I panicked. I had the door open. She was looking at me.

“Hi, are you Ms. Sensible?,” I asked. Suddenly I was short of breath and sweating.

“Yes,” she said looking at me and wondering who I was and what I wanted. I entered the classroom of miniature tables and chairs.

“Hi. I’m C.J.’s Mom and C.J. will be in your class this year and I just wanted to let you know that he is gender nonconforming.”

I’m an idiot. I’m a complete, fumbling moron and now Ms. Sensible knows it.

C.J.'s puzzle person named Joey....dressed as a princess.

She was still staring at me with questioning eyes. She was probably thinking that I have Tourettes or some form of awkward social anxiety. Between me and my gender nonconforming son, she, most likely, was instantly formulating a strategy to transfer us out of her class.

I had planned to sound much more pulled together, maybe even intelligent and, at the very least, coherent. For weeks, I had rehearsed the moment a thousand times in my head as I waited for sleep to find me at night (nights when I worried that Ms. Sensible would be super conservative, overly religious and/or totally homophobic). But, in the moment, revealing a huge family secret to a stranger, my brain and mouth failed me. I felt like there could be no small talk because I was bothering her during her private time.

“Okay,” she said.

“So, I just wanted to let you know that we are aware of it and we are okay with it and we are doing our best.” Now I was just trying to fill the silence and wasn’t following my list of key message points at all. And, I had sweat through the armpits of my shirt. A wacky mom with pit stains.

“What exactly does ‘gender nonconforming’ mean?”

I explained; that, I could do. Thankfully, she was keeping this premeditated conversation on track.

C.J.'s puzzle person Elise....dressed as a superhero.

“What do you want from me? How can I help,” she asked with a sympathetic look and a tilt of her head.

I was fighting back tears and hugs, like I do whenever someone offers to be on our team and help us with C.J.

“Just help him to learn, get him ready for kindergarten, protect him from bullies and have an open heart and open mind.” There, finally something came out as I had practiced.

“I can do that,” she said. “In my 12 years of teaching, I can’t say that I’ve ever had a ‘gender nonconforming’ student. So, there is some research for me to do. And, I may have some questions,” she said thoughtfully.

“I welcome questions. Please don’t hesitate to ask, I really do enjoy answering them,” I said honestly. “And, of course, we really hope that you’ll protect the privacy of our family to the extent that you are able.”

We talked a while longer. We discussed how he might learn differently and doesn’t do well when groups are divided by gender. I think she stopped thinking I was a lunatic and started realizing that I have a unique and, at times, tough parenting situation. As we wrapped up our conversation, she thanked me for telling her about C.J. I walked out smiling, discretely holding my arms out at the sides, trying to get my pit stains to dry.

Three days later it was time for Ms. Sensible to meet C.J. He insisted on picking out his outfit: a polo shirt with large pink stripes; purple and pink girl socks from the dollar spot at Target; and purple sneakers. Ms. Sensible gave C.J.’s Dad and me a knowing nod, bent down and introduced herself to C.J. He was wringing his fingers in nervousness. He waved goodbye to us and walked into the classroom.

C.J. insisted that his Lalaloopsy doll wanted to go in the "hot tub." And by "hot tub" he meant his lunch.

The first few days of school C.J. came home and was happy, but not completely thrilled with his academic experience. He said he played with the boys and it was just “okay.” He said that when he tried to play with the girls they ran away and yelled “ewwww, a boy!” Finally a little girl named Daisy came around and decided not to run from C.J., but play with him instead. And, that’s when the girls realized what a fabulous friend C.J. is.

C.J. has settled into a routine at school and found his homegirls to hang with during free time. The crafts are fun, snack time is rockin’, life is good in Ms. Sensible’s pre-k class.

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Maybe Brown Lip Gloss Just Isn’t the Right Color for Our Son

Nana Grab Bags bought C.J. a new lip gloss on a necklace; which is his fav-o-rite accessory this season. Here it is with the lip gloss closed.

And, here it is with the café mocha-flavored lip gloss exposed.

I pointed out to Nana Grab Bags that the lip gloss girl looks like she is taking a crap and my son rubs said crap on his face. This is what C.J. looks like with the lip gloss on.

C.J.’s Dad came home from work and saw C.J. and followed me out of earshot into the kitchen.

“Has C.J. been eating shit sandwiches?”

“No, it’s his new lip gloss. It’s café mocha flavored. My mom bought it for him,” I explained.

He walked out of the room shaking his head and passed C.J. who flashed him his best brown smile.

* * *

Have 13 minutes and 14 seconds to spare this weekend? Watch this video. The lives of little boys like C.J. depend on it.

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