The Gender Creative Child Book Giveaway

Posted on April 26, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

When people ask for resources to help raise and/or support a differently gendered child, at the top of my list has long been Dr. Diane Ehrensaft’s book Gender Born, Gender Made.

Gender-Creative-Child_cover_FIN-200x300I’ve officially added her latest book (released this month) to that list. The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes is another must-read from the person I’ve called the patron saint of kids who don’t conform to traditional gender norms.

Dr. Ehrensaft explains gender and children like no one can. And, in her new book, she equips adults to understand and support gender-expansive children the way they deserve to be.

I’m often asked how an adult can tell if a child is transgender or gender creative (gender nonconforming). Because I’m not an expert, I typically don’t know the child and giving the wrong answer could seriously impact the child’s life, I’m always hesitant to give my feedback.

I do say that when he was younger, C.J. would say “I wish I was a girl” and “I want to be a girl.” As many times as people told me that those phrases meant he was transgender, my mom-gut told me that wasn’t the case. There’s a difference between wanting to be something and genuinely feeling like you are something.

Of course Dr. Ehrensaft explains it better in what was, for me, the most impactful part of The Gender Creative Child.

“One simple verb will also be one of the signposts that can differentiate a young transgender child from other gender creative children. It is the verb to be. Children who are communicating to us their transgender self will often say, “I am a…(fill in opposite gender or some other gender)” rather than “I wish I were a…” or “I want to be a…” This is not universally true….but for those children who feel no necessity to hedge their bets to appease others or who have met with no confused or disapproving responses, the simple sentence “I am a…” is a very clear signpost identifying a child who is not the gender people they are.”

Want to read more? Dr. Ehrensaft will gift a copy of her book to one of my readers. To enter to win, leave a comment below. Any comment. A thought. A joke. A note. A quote. A question. Whatever.

A winner will be announced here around 5 p.m. PDT on Friday, April 29.
This giveaway has ended. The winner is Yumi! Yumi, please see my reply to your comment below. Thanks to all who entered.

Good luck!

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When My Son Does My Makeup

Posted on April 12, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

C.J. started dabbling in makeup like most of us started — with Lip Smackers and cheap, hand-me-down eyeshadow that was a free gift with purchase. A spritz of perfume here. A few coats of nail polish there.

Suddenly his makeup bag grew from a old small one I used to carry in my purse to a hard pink box the size of a briefcase with vanity lights inside.

He applied his makeup to himself. Then his Barbies. Then the mannequin head my mother-in-law bought him for Christmas. That head is, more often than not, eerily affixed to our kitchen island; staring at me as I watch TV long after C.J. has gone to bed and the night has grown dark. “You scared the shit out of me!” I say to it often while catching my breath.

IMG_1233 IMG_1234Once C.J. started doing my makeup, he begged to do it every night. With little regard for my skin’s rebellion. My adult acne is due in large part to my son’s heavy application of makeup night after night.

IMG_9789When we were young, my brother and I did our mom’s makeup and always aimed for a natural look. You know, lipstick on the lips, eyeliner on the lids, mascara on the lashes. I quickly learned that C.J. doesn’t care for a natural look.

The first time C.J. did my makeup, he turned me into a zombie.

IMG_8292IMG_8305Then I was a “Candy Girl” inspired by Katy Perry. With heart-shaped blush and candy swirls rising from my eyes.

IMG_9803Then, I was the girl from the Starbucks logo. When I saw myself in the mirror the only thought I had was “please, please, please let all of this come off for work tomorrow.”

IMG_8704IMG_8349A future fine artist who also does makeup to support himself, C.J. still does his own makeup from time to time. Here he gave himself a “Big Eyes” look based on the art of Margaret D. H. Keane.

IMG_9838Naturally, a new favorite pastime of C.J.’s is watching makeup tutorials on YouTube. Who do you recommend?

I’m not the only one in the family who gets their makeup done by C.J. Click here to read about him doing Matt’s makeup.

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Real Dads Let Their Sons Do Their Makeup

Posted on March 24, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

For years, my son has been using my wife’s makeup to give his Barbie dolls makeovers and put makeup on a life-size mannequin head he got for Christmas a while back. Then he started doing my wife’s makeup regularly, so I figured it was inevitable that I would be his next victim.

IMG_9811A couple of years ago, C.J. asked if I would allow him to do my makeup. Of course I said yes. Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I want to be a part of something that brings joy to my son’s life?

If I said no to something as trivial as allowing him to paint my face, what would I be teaching him?

I’d be teaching him that playing dress-up or giving his dad a makeover is something to be ashamed of or something to hide. I don’t want to teach him that.

I want to teach him that his dad wants to spend time with him no matter what we’re doing. I want him to know that even though I’m not interested in makeup or fashion, I will play along as long as I get to sit and talk with him.

IMG_9821While he’s doing my makeup, he talks about everything. From what’s going on at school to which eye shadow brings out my blue eyes.

When I agree wholeheartedly as he discusses what makeup colors go with my skin tone, I’m teaching him that his opinions and tastes matter to me. I’m teaching him that I’ll listen to him when he wants to talk and I will find time for him even when I’m busy.

My son doing my makeup is the same as a dad throwing a football with his son. It’s not about what you are doing together; it’s about doing it together. It’s about encouraging your children to engage with you. It’s about spending time with your child doing something they enjoy doing.

Allowing your children to be themselves is very important. There are activities I do with Chase that I don’t do with C.J. because they aren’t fun for him. There are activities I do with C.J. that Chase doesn’t want to do. And, there are activities we all do together. Spending quality time with each of my sons helps strengthen my relationship with them.

IMG_9822When C.J. does my makeup, it makes me feel like I’m experiencing something with him that he loves doing. It makes me feel like maybe I’m encouraging and empowering him to have fun with something that may end up being his career as an adult. Or, it’s just something we can do together that shows him that his dad loves spending time with him no matter what we are doing.

He loves doing my makeup because he can make me look silly or dramatic and it cracks him up. Sometimes he takes it very serious, like he is really trying to make me look good. Other times it’s more of a face painting exercise than anything. Either way, he loves doing it and I love being a part of some type of activity that my son loves doing.

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Raising My Rainbow In The Chicago Tribune

Posted on March 18, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

Chicago TribuneThe Chicago Tribune recently asked me and others, “When boys wear dresses: What does it mean?”

“At a time when there’s increasing awareness of transgender adults, the youngest gender-nonconforming Americans are also starting to come forward. That includes the kids who are adamant about having been born in the wrong body, as well as a much larger group of kids who consistently and markedly defy gender norms, but in ways that aren’t as easy to categorize: boys like C.J. who love dolls and dress-up but don’t identify as girls…”

Click here to read the full story.

 

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Son of a Preacher Man

Posted on March 14, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

“I had planned to become a Catholic priest–I spent 18 months in seminary following college before I realized I was gay. I also attempted suicide when I was 13.” – Singer/Songwriter Tom Goss.

Stop everything you’re doing and watch this powerful music video. See if you can spot my three favorite people in the world. And, share!

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C.J.’s Oscars Red Carpet Reactions

Posted on February 28, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow
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Mindy Kaling (Photo cred: E!)

On Giuliana Rancic: I’d wear that to a fancy Easter dinner.

On Mindy Kaling: It looks like she was a blueberry and then she got run over right up her middle and the blueberries squeezed out her armpits.

On Sam Smith and Jimmy Napes: Are they married? They should be.

On Alicia Vikander: Hello lemons! Now THAT looks like the Oscars!

On Sofia Vergara: It looks like a curtain that a grandma would have and a little too much of her boobs are out. But I love her earrings.

On Priyanka Chopra: That is way too much see through. Her belt looks like a lock for a diary.

GettyImages-512876326-e1456705645134

Olivia Wilde (Photo cred: VALERIE MACON/AFP/Getty Images)

On Olivia Wilde: She’s not a dog so she doesn’t need a collar. And she’s not Miley Cyrus so she doesn’t need that top. The bottom looks like a cupcake wrapper.

On Saoirse Ronan: I don’t see anything wrong with it, except the earrings.

On Naomi Watts: That’s my favorite so far! She looks like a mermaid. Favorite.

On Olivia Munn: I like it. It looks like she is wearing a side cape. Are Forevermark diamonds from Forever 21?

On Jennifer Jason Lee: It looks like an old timey hat. Is she drunk or something?

On Rooney Mara: Too much lace. She has lots of hair; she should have a big bun, not a tiny bun.

Brie-Larson-Oscars-2016

Brie Larson (Photo cred: Getty/Jeff Kravitz)

On Brie Larson: I LOVE IT! I don’t even have any words! I LOVE IT!

On Heidi Klum: She can do better than that. It’s like Cinderella got in a fight with her stepsisters and they ripped off her sleeve and her boob line.

On Bryan Cranston: Snooze.

On Chrissy Teigen: Too bad someone squirted hot sauce all over her.

On Ashley Graham: She did her boobs all wrong. She needs to fix it a lot. She did it all wrong. All wrong.

On Cate Blanchett: That looks nice with her skin color. How does she get her skin to look like that?

On Jared Leto: He’s the funnest boy!

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Jared Leto (Photo cred: E!)

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The New Gender Binary

Posted on February 21, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

Binary: (adj.) consisting of, indicating, or involving two.

When I first started blogging about my adventures in raising a gender creative son, I wasn’t very educated when it came to gender. All I knew is that I wanted everybody to be cool with my then-3-year-old son wearing a dress and loving the Disney Princesses. I wanted it to be okay for boys to like feminine things and girls to like masculine things. I didn’t know at first that I was fighting the gender binary.

Gender binary: (n.) the classification of gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine.

Male vs. female. Boy vs. girl. Blue vs. pink. Superhero vs. princess.

It seemed like everybody wanted my son to be one or the other. Either or. People were uncomfortable with him living in the middle — in the no man’s and no woman’s land.

August September 2014 183Over the years, I’ve watched as things started to change in regards to the public visibility, awareness, understanding and acceptance of differently gendered people. The binary was being busted and I couldn’t have been happier.

TIME Magazine even proclaimed that society had reached “the transgender tipping point” and that the transgender movement is poised to challenge deeply held cultural beliefs. Yes! Bring it on!

America was finally talking about gender. It’s complexity. It’s fluidity. It’s individuality. The general public might, maybe, hopefully, be beginning to understand the ridiculousness of the gender binary.

For years, I’ve been sharing our family’s story in hopes of encouraging people to loosen up a little about gender, allow it to be fluid and support those who aren’t solely masculine or solely feminine. People can be both or neither or a unique mixture that can vary depending on the day or hour.

For the sake of my son, I wanted the world to see that there are more than just two options when it comes to gender expression and identity.

Laverne Cox, Jazz Jennings, Caitlyn Jenner and others were helping by living publicly, authentically and without shame. They are brave beyond belief and I’m so thankful for them. After all, if people can handle a former male Olympian as a female in a corset on the cover of Vanity Fair, surely they would be cool with my son wearing a skirt while maintaining that he’s a boy. But they weren’t. They aren’t.

Things seemed to swing in another direction. Because of the transgender movement, there has become a new binary. Cisgender vs. transgender.

Cisgender: (adj.) noting or relating to a person whose gender identity corresponds with that person’s biological sex assigned at birth. (Example: I was assigned female at birth because of my vagina and my gender is female.)

August September 2014 137Every time I publish a blog post or post to social media and use masculine pronouns for my son (whether I’m talking about his desire to be called Mrs. Clooney, get his ears pierced, etc.), people — no matter how accepting and progressive they think they are — tell me I’m using the wrong pronouns. They insist that my son is transgender and that I’m not honoring that.

Good for them. Seriously. Good for more people pushing others to honor people who are transgender.

But, gender policing me sometimes seems like it isn’t an act of understanding, but rather an act prompted by a lack of understanding.

I couldn’t be honoring my son’s gender identity any more when he is expressing himself as female and I use the masculine pronouns that he prefers.

He is a boy who likes to wear skirts, lip-gloss, sparkly ballet flats and (for now) clip on earrings. He knows what it means to be transgender, he’s watched two of his friends and countless adults transition.

He insists that he is not transgender. He identifies as gender nonconforming. He says he’s a boy who only likes girl things and wants to be treated like a girl. He doesn’t like it when people use feminine pronouns to address or talk about him. He loves his male anatomy (as 9-year-old boys are wont to do).

In the new gender binary, he has no home. Cisgender vs. transgender. He’s neither.

In the old gender binary, he has no home. Male vs. female. He’s neither.

So, still, I find myself fighting a gender binary while explaining my son’s gender identity and expression. That’s fine, I will do it until the day I die or until he asks me to stop. It’s just that, when I saw transgender education and acceptance coming to the forefront, I expected things to be different.

I thought that if society could see, start to understand and accept transgender people (which some consider to be at the very extreme end of the cisgender-transgender gender binary), that they would have no problem at all accepting all of the people who are “just” gender nonconforming.

We have to get beyond trans. Let’s make that the next social movement. Let’s get to the point where we say, “Hey, I don’t know if that person is male or female or both or neither, so I’m just going to treat them like a person” or “My brain tells me to use female pronouns for that person but the person tells me to use masculine pronouns, so I’m going to masculine pronouns because what the hell does it matter to me?!” or “That guy likes to wear skirts. Cool.”

Let’s respect every person’s unique gender journey by not believing in any binary. Let’s bust the binary. Once and for all.

Click here to read this post on HuffPost Queer Voices.

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Phobic Football

Posted on February 5, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

Yay sportsing! Yay football! Yay Super Bowl!

FullSizeRender(2)Chase likes football. He played flag football for three years and really enjoyed it; but he didn’t enjoy getting teased by his peers for it. Apparently flag football isn’t cool. You know what is cool? Spending $1,000+ a year and giving up all of your weekends to play Pop Warner and risk a traumatic injury.

I don’t want my kids – or anybody – to be tackled. I can’t think of many times in life when tackling is necessary.

Our family agreed that when Chase started middle school he could start Pop Warner. We signed him up, paid the dues and cleared our schedules. I sprung for the safest helmet money could buy. The first week was all conditioning and no contact. That was a good week.

Then came the first practice in pads with full contact and it went like this:

Pop Warner Coach: Do you have any experience playing defensive end?

Chase: Yeah, I played it in flag football.

Pop Warner Coach: Don’t ever say that again or I’ll kick you in the nuts. Flag football is fag football.

I didn’t hear the exchange, but I could tell something was wrong as I walked to the car with Chase after practice. He wouldn’t say a word until we were in the car and on our way home; because he’s smart enough to know that when he told me, I might march myself back to the field and say something to the coach.

“Are you (bit my tongue so the eff word wouldn’t escape) kidding me?!” I said.

“I know, right?!” Chase was a little relieved that he had told me — and that I was past the point of turning the car and making my way to the field.

I tried my hardest to use it as a teachable moment. Adults shouldn’t use that language. Playing flag football doesn’t make you gay. No one should say that they are going to kick someone in the nuts. Blah. Blah. Blah.

“I know all of that. I’m straight. I just feel bad because there has to be at least one gay kid on my team and if they heard that they probably feel sad and horrible,” he explained.

My heart melted.

FullSizeRender(1)When we got home we filled Matt in and I have to admit that a teensy tiny part of me worried that he would say that it sucks but that’s how it is in football. That was a ridiculous worry; he was more upset than I was.

After we got the kids settled in bed for the night, I called my brother.

“That is horrible! Ugh! That makes me so mad! I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. When I played Pop Warner, I was bullied and called the worst names because I was the little gay kid whose parents signed him up for tackle football. Chase is too good for football,” he said.

I was ready to spend the evening crafting a strongly worded email to Pop Warner backed by the effects of bullying and homophobia on LGBTQ kids, but Matt wanted to actually talk to the appropriate people about the situation. So, I wrote that email in my head over and over all night, perfecting it, because I can’t let go of words and because I’m better at writing words than talking to people.

He called the head coach who was shocked. Minutes before the next practice Matt brought it up to another parent from the team (and Pop Warner board member) with others in earshot — which always gives me anxiety because where we live there’s usually a good chance that people will brush it off or defend homophobic slurs. But, every other parent who heard was appalled. I wanted to hug them all.

Turns out that along with being homophobic at practice, he was also drunk. He was immediately excused from practice and can no longer coach Pop Warner.

Then, Chase broke his leg and was out for the season. And, I felt guilty. Like the broken leg was somehow the result of me wanting so badly for him to not play tackle football. I had to remind myself that broken legs can happen in any of the footballs: fag, flag, tackle, two-hand touch, powder-puff, etcetera.

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Happy 9th Birthday C.J.!

Posted on February 1, 2016 by raisingmyrainbow

Guess who’s 9 years old today? C.J.!

At the very top of his birthday wish list are:

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I remember back to his third birthday when he wanted a Disney Princess themed party, which left Matt and I feeling uncomfortable and unsure. Oh how things change and evolve with the passing of time and  personal growth. Matt and I can’t wait for C.J.’s “Make My Birthday A Masterpiece” rainbow art party, when all of his best girl friends will gather around the table for an art lesson and rainbow cupcakes.

Thanks to all of you for being there for these milestones. C.J. says “heyyyyyyyyyyy.”

The biggest claw machine in Orange County...and obviously his favorite. Today he won three out of four times.

The biggest claw machine in Orange County…and obviously his favorite. Today he won three out of four times.

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